Kr5istofer's Thoughts

I Think It's Only Fitting...

2006-11-06T20:55:00.000-07:00

I think it's only fitting that I mark the end of a sad time in my life with a change. This will be my last post on this blog. I have loved sharing my thoughts with you here at blogger, but I'm tired of the limitations. I have switched my domain notemoenough.com to be my personal blog. I invite all who have read this blog to make the changes in your Bookmarks, Favorites, Google Homepage, or RSS readers to the new location. The new blog is totally cool, and is run by WordPress, which is a blog content manager. This is an awesome tool, and I look forward to the cool things I should be able to do with it. Not to mention my own host where I can share a few things more frequently. Please visit and tell me what you think of the new blog.

Now on to why the sad time in my life is now over. It sort of goes back a long way, but I'll try and spare you the boredom, and keep it brief. I have always struggled spiritually in my life. Partially because I don't think I was ever truly converted in what I believed, and I was too curious about a few things that I traded my soul for them. I have come close so many times to feeling like I understood and could do the things I know are right. I know from personal experience that doing the things you know are wrong only make you upset with yourself. When I knew that what I was doing was against all I had believed and hoped for, I thought I was worthless. I thought I was a loser. As most of you have read and know I let that self shame bleed into my entire life. I would just want to sit around feeling sorry and not really make any changes, then I would complain that the changes aren't coming. You know, dear reader, how it is. I'm positive every human being on the planet had done that. Letting this go on for so long has cost me so much. A failed engagement, my self esteem, potential friends and some serious relationships. I never wanted to believe that my spirituality would save me if I had that all sorted out. In February 2003 I was put on probation by my bishop in my singles ward. He counseled me to do the things I knew I should have always done. He also counseled me to do a few things that I didn't want to do, like break up with my girlfriend. I resented his words for that, and my pride carried me for 3 years. I would try and get back in touch with my spiritual side, but I would only give it a half effort. I never immersed myself. I blamed everyone but myself for my misery. Those that read this that I blamed, I am sorry. Please find it in your heart to forgive me for my arrogance. I realized a few months ago with the help of an LDS counselor that I didn't have control over anything in my life. Without having control over the things I should the things that I couldn't control were eating me up. I decided to go back to church again. This time I was living in Colorado. I also decided that I wasn't going to try. I was going to do it. I want all my readers to know that once you decide to make a change in your life it really doesn't take long unless you don't give it your all. I gave it my all, and as of Thursday I have been fully reinstated to the LDS Church, that's almost 4 years since I was put on probation. I needed this so badly, a boost of confidence in myself. Everything has really taken off too. I'm making friends left and right, and I'll be going to the Temple for my birthday as I hoped . I'm so excited I'm about to burst. This one thing that most people don't think is a big deal has completely turned my life around. I'm not saying spirituality is what will make everyone happy, but I don't think it would hurt. Anyway, I don't know how to really get it out without getting too spiritual. Check out the new blog please, cause this will be the last entry made on this blog.

Okay...

2006-10-27T14:29:00.000-06:00

So it's time to update the blog. Since I last posted a lot has happened, I went to Utah last weekend to run audio for Our Lady Peace. Let me first tell you how much I love this band. In 1997 I was real bored with a few things that were going on in the music world and I got hooked on a song called Clumsy by Our Lady Peace. It was a simple rock song and good enough for me to go buy the album. Over the years I always paid attention to the songs they played on the radio from that band. In February of 2000, I had the opportunity to ge into an exclusive acoustic performance by the band at club DV8 in Salt Lake City. This is still one of my favorite concerts I ever attended. I realized that I loved this band when I saw them play a year later at the same venue for the Spiritual Machines tour. I knew all the words to all the songs they played, and for the longest time was the best concert I had ever been to with the exception of Smashing Pumpkins at Saltair a year earlier. At that concert I even knew what they would play for the first song, Right Behind You (Mafia). The energy at that show was so cool, and my friends Amber and Heather were then convinced of the greatness of the band. I have not missed a Salt Lake City performance from this band with the exception of the Big Ass Show in 1997. This makes me a hardcore fan. So last week my friend Trevor mentioned to Jenna that he was going to run sound for the band at a private corporate function at UVSC. I was like what?! He and I got in touch and he invited me to be on the sound crew for the show. I was on cloud 9 for the whole week. I got to Utah at 5 AM on Friday morning and slept till 12. There was Halo that night and there was Sushi that night and there was playing guitar with Steve that night. Awesome times. The next morning I went to the McKay Event Center at 9. I met the crew that I was working with and we set to work. We had to wait for the union riggers to come and hang the motor points to fly the speakers on. We worked all morning into the after noon. At about 3:30 the band showed up and began to do their sound check. This was AWESOME! I watched them jam and play some very obscure and rare songs. I got to say hi to some of the members and they chilled and talked for a while. It was cool and I was just blown away. That night The Jenna and a bunch of people met at the McKay and we all watched the band blow our minds for an hour and forty-five minutes. After that I went backstage and shook their hands and loaded the truck. Jenna took a lot of pics on her camera and I managed to snag a few set lists from the stage before the crew took them. Have I mentioned how awesome it was?

After I got back to Colorado the normal life set in. We had a blizzard yesterday, and I had a sister missionary flirt with me hardcore... weird. That is another story.

I put a link to DoyleSoft on my blog yesterday. Check it out, they offer a really cool knowledgebase tool and there is a news letter that is real cool read and catch up on the new IT industry news.

I Hate Wyoming

2006-10-18T17:42:00.000-06:00

I really can't stand the crappy state of Wyoming. First off everything is so spread out and there are very few major towns. But when you find one you better not blink, because you will miss it. You see Wyoming likes to trick you too, you can be in the middle of nowhere and the speed limit is 75 MPH on I-25 between Casper and Cheyenne, and nobody is there to catch you when you are going 90 or so. It's like it is inviting you to go fast, and it's saying, "it's okay, you know you wanna!" So I had gotten used to this when I got to a town called Lingle which is about 15 min from the Nebraska / Wyoming state line. The speed limit slows from 65 to 30 while you go through the town, this is normal on a state highway. However there is a little trick to it and Wyoming is right there ready to pounce on you. There is a sort of jog in the highway where you turn right then less then half a mile later you turn left and continue East on the highway. The speed limit is still 30 all through this jog. But the highway becomes a 4 lane sight for sore eyes, offering you an easy truck passing opportunity. No more edging into the lane of the opposite traffic flow just to see if you can pass them at an extreme speed. Well my friends if you are ever in Lingle, Wyoming and happen to see this 4 lane gift from God, do not partake of that forbidden fruit and increase your speed to the 65 MPH promised by a speed limit sign just 100 yards away. If you do, the Destroying Angel of Wyoming will swoop down with his sword of blue and red flashing lights, and cast you out of paradise with a speeding ticket. That's right I got my first ever speeding ticket yesterday. I owe the happening state of Wyoming $153 by November 16th. But have I let this get me down? No. There is much more to my story... I managed to get to my destination in Torrington not too soon after the angle let me pass in to the land of Nod, and all seems well, but it's not. I leave Torrington Wyoming at 3:30 PM, (1530 if it were written on a speeding ticket) and proceed down highway 85 towards Cheyenne, and a snow storm hits. I was expecting this, but what I wasn't expecting was a bunch of snow on the highway and a bunch of retarded drivers from Nebraska going 30 MPH. It took me 2 hours to get to Cheyenne from Torrington which is usually 45 minutes. After I got to Cheyenne my windshield wipers were frozen to my windshield and I had to clear that off. I took off for Parker after about 10 min. The interstate in Wyoming was packed with snow, but as soon as I crossed the state line the snow pack on the freeway disappeared. It's almost like Colorado decided to plow the freeway for some reason. The roads were wet and slushy the entire way back, but it was something I could deal with. I arrived in Parker at 8:24 PM which is almost 5 hours after leaving Torrington. The trip should have taken 2 and 1/2 hours. But even this didn't get me down. When I got home my internet was not working, probably from the storm, and even this didn't get me down. Do you all wanna know why?

I'm mixing sound for Our Lady Peace on Saturday at the McKay Event Center in Orem, that is why. Nothing can bring me down from how excited I am for this chance to have yet another dream come true. Some of you that read my blog that I knew from 2001-2003 know how I dreamed of this opportunity. Unfortunately for a lot of you the show is a private gig for a company that is having a party or something, and the general public is not invited. If you can find a way to sneak into the McKay Event Center I recommend it, I don't imagine security will be very tight for a corporate event. I can hardly sleep because the excitement is killing me.

Well that is all for now. I put a new player over on the right hand side of the page where the old QuickTime player was. It's a flash player that I like a lot. It still has a few bugs that I plan to fix, but it has been a cool project for me to work on. It uses Flash 7 and if you don't have flash installed then you obviously don't use the internet much and have never been to homestarrunner.com, or you are new to the internet, and need to install the plug-ins. Good luck.

Temptations...

2006-10-13T15:18:00.000-06:00

So I have been putting a lot of thought into driving out to Utah tonight, but I can't leave here till like 6 which wouldn't get me there till like 1 or 2. So maybe I'll have to skip that idea. I just wanted to do something random, so instead I'm going to a totally hip Mormon party in Larkspur. I can't wait for the root beer chugging contests, the testimony card games, and the tonz of ugly gir... wait I mean sweet spirits to get to know. Yep, this is the life. All sarcasm aside I am excited to go and chill with people. My cousin and I are planning to bring our guitars and attempt an 'intentional acoustic romanticism' on the ladies. Trust me they are not all sweet spirits here in Colorado. I think Playboy rated CU as the second hottest campus in the nation, aside from BYU. I have only been told that, and that was from a guy that worked with me at X96 who I'm sure had a subscription to said magazine, so the credibility check is good as far as I'm concerned. I hope to have a good time, one of my friends that is chilling with us tonight is moving to Provo next weekend, I'm gonna miss that kid. He is the kind of friend that looks out for everyone. I am trying to get him hooked up to live in a house that I used to live in with a bunch of my friends in Provo, that way when I move back I'll have a place to live. I hope to not get kicked out by the city again. I have been reminded of that house a lot lately, good times were had there. The girl I dated while living there called me on Wednesday and told me that she was in Denver. I got to see her for a few hours last night which was nice. It was real good to see a face of someone I knew back there in my apartment. I have met a few people in the singles ward lately that are cool, and it's easier to go to activities when 12 people say, "hey Kr5is." Cue subject change NOW! I'm sending my guitar to Idaho with my cousin. He plays in a band in Rexberg where he goes to school, but he doesn't own a guitar. He is the lead singer and plays a lot of rhythm guitar for them, and is sick of using a crappy amp and axe. So I told him he could borrow mine. I have a 1/4 stack solid state amp, the name escapes me, that can definitely do the job of a 1/2 stack Marshall any day. I don't think I ever ran it over 3 on the master volume knob and I was still always loud when I played with Steve. I don't want Cody to try and have a successful band with a practice amp to play on, and it can be used properly instead of at a very low volume in my apartment. You can hear the strings rub on the fret board louder then the amp, and that is a travesty, almost blasphemy. So yeah, things are good, and I'm feeling very anxious about moving to Utah again. I can't wait till it's almost summer so I can work outdoor at an amphitheater and be care free for a little while longer.

COUGPUKCOU5LKJA)G:LPUKEPUCOUGH

2006-10-11T16:07:00.000-06:00

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5 and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'"
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

How do I start to describe...

2006-10-08T16:43:00.000-06:00

How do I start to describe how I have been feeling lately. I have been working a lot and stressing out about work and life as usual. It has definitely been effecting me. I had a car accident a few weeks ago where I was rear ended while waiting at a stop light. No real injury to myself, but From that day on I have been going on a downward spiral as far as I have been feeling. I haven't had a natural high since January, and I don't expect to have one any time soon. I though I might have one last night, but that was quickly proven to be a false hope. I'll tell you about that later. After my accident there have been things coming up left and right that challenge my beliefs and security. The day after the accident my tire blew on the freeway in downtown Denver. That sucked trying to find a place that was safe to change a tire there. Fortunately the truck I was driving had a spare tire and I was able to change it out no problem. However if left me feeling like life had it out for me. That weekend I flew to Utah, now I know that these sort of things happen in groups of threes. I was waiting for my plane to crash, which it obviously didn't but when tried to fly back to Colorado I had to wait till the morning because my flight was over sold, and it caused James to be late. I felt horrible about it. I know I pissed off my boss even though he wouldn't tell me. I had to play catch up at work. I have felt for a long time that I have been slacking at work, which I hate. I really want to just change, but I can't. It is so hard to wake up in the morning sometimes. I don't feel rested, and I don't feel like I can do anything that day that will improve my situation or how I feel. So I just go from office to office, pressing the Caps Lock button so their passwords work and then try and feel like I'm valuable in what I do. I don't get any satisfaction from my job. I don't really feel like anything I do at the offices really helps them or my company in any way. The all seem to be happy but I don't see the end result. I need to be able to look at what I accomplished and take pride in it. That is something you just can't do being a consultant. Since I don't get any satisfaction from work then I try and get it somewhere else. I have been going to church regularly and I love the feeling I get, but the more I talk with people about what is taught the more I get upset. I don't like having to be a member of a club in order to be a cool kid. To me being a member of a church is just like that. Especially when that church teaches that others can't have the highest level of salvation unless they join. That is just crap to me. But that is another tangent all together. So in my frustration with religion I look for support from friends, which are awesome and I have some of the greatest friends in the world, but I don't really want a friend, I want a companion, and the more and more I make better friends the more and more I realize that all I will ever be is a friend to anyone. I don't have the social skill and traits to be anything more then a shoulder to cry on for anybody. I have nothing else to offer. I can't stand being in the good friend situation any longer, and I'm tired of my friends avoiding answering questions that I ask. I need to know the truth, and I don't want any more sugar coating, I want to know the stuff that hurts.. I don't want to make friends anymore because that is all I will ever have. Okay that tangent is over too...
I went to a club in Denver last night called the Shelter, it was cool there was a lot of music in each of the rooms and we mostly just chilled and talked in a private room and drank Red Bull. I thought I caught a glimpse of something in a friend, but I was over hopeful in my line of thinking. I can't hope for more then I have can I? I ended up being an ear and a shoulder, which I'm always happy to be, but I'm starting be really tired of being dependable and not being able to expect the same back. Today I slept in till 2 and then watched Garden State. I tried to think of someone I could call and go talk to and cry with, but I couldn't think of anyone that could devote the sort of attention I need. I'm not capable of not feeling things, and I can't shut off how I fell about some people in my life, but It's like they expect me to do that. I can't hide it anymore. I just want an opportunity to fell that way again. I want it to be okay instead of a bad thing. I want to know that what I feel is normal. I want to know that it's possible to have someone feel for me. I don't want to go on without anymore, and I don't want to hear any more complaints from people that cry on my shoulder when what they hope for is the person they are crying on. That seems rude and ignorant and I don't mean for it to sound that way. I love listening and helping my friends, and I always will do it, I'm just frustrated. Please don't stop coming to me.

Sorry...

2006-10-07T02:57:00.000-06:00

I didn't deliver the huge post, but I promise it is still brewing.

I saw the move The Last Kiss last night, and it was really good. Awesome soundtrack, and a really good comentary on some relationships which, oddly enough I have seen some of my friends go through.

Yet another song that chenged my life, and I was reminded of it durring the movie.

***

A warning sign,
I missed the good part then I realized,
I started looking and the bubble burst.
I started looking for excuses.

Come on in,
I've gotta tell you what a state I'm in,
I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones,
That I started looking for a warning sign.

When the truth is,
I miss you.
Yeah the truth is,
That I miss you so.

A warning sign,
You came back to haunt me and I realized,
That you were an island and I passed you by,
You were an island to discover.

Come on in,
I've gotta tell you what state I'm in,
I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones,
That I started looking for a warning sign.

When the truth is,
I miss you.
Yeah the truth is,
That I miss you so.

And I'm tired,
I should not have let you go.

So I crawl back into your open arms.
Yes, I crawl back into your open arms.
And I crawl back into your open arms.
Yes, I crawl back into your open arms...

So...

2006-10-06T07:55:00.000-06:00

There is a big post brewing, especially after last night.
I'll be working on it and deciding how to put it on here... So keep checking back!

How's that for a hook? Now I can just sit back and watch the hit counter go!

I do feel like I deserve some answers though, I'm tired of dancing around the issue.

Sexy Voice

2006-10-04T15:01:00.000-06:00

Look What Decided to Show Up

2006-10-04T12:26:00.000-06:00

Grr..Arr...

2006-10-04T11:22:00.000-06:00

So I have tried twice unsuccessfully to do another voice post, both of which failed to post on the blog and have been lost in the 1 and 0 jungle of cyberspace. I can't remember what I really said in them, they were usually late at night because calls are free then and I want to avoid another $100 phone bill.

If you could have heard what I posted last night you would know that I am in sexy voice mode. You know the kind of voice that you have when you wake up in the morning. It's usually a lot deeper and it's only there till you get half way though your shower. Well not me, I feel great lately, but my allergies have been kicking my ass and I have had a stuffed nose for a few days now. That is the only draw back, the good side effects are that people keep thinking I'm sick and they don't usually ask me to do a lot. That and my voice is permanently in the deep sexy voice mode. I have had girls practically tripping over themselves when I say 'Hey'. I know that it will only last until the mold level drops in this great state of Colorado, but it sure is fun. If anyone wants to make out with a sexy voice guy then you can email me using the link at the top of my blog. It's not that hard, and my standards aren't what they used to be so don't be shy. I'll even send you a sample of my voice if you want.

Next week will mark the 7 month anniversary of my move to Colorado, and oddly enough it will probably be my 7 month count down to moving back to Utah. I plan to move back at the beginning of May. I know I have said January or the spring to a lot of people, but that is the last monthly lease payment I will have to make and then I can bolt. I want to work full time somewhere for the summer and then forget all my troubles and go to school full time with maybe a part time gig. My truck will be paid off, and the only bills I will have are phone insurance and rent. I think I can handle that on a part time job.

I'm growing more and more weary of some situations I have found myself in here in Colorado, and I don't really want to say too much because I don't know how to explain it to the people involved. It's nothing bad for those of you that worry, I'm just trying to figure something out and see if I'm just being the a-typical Kr5is. I have been active almost 100% for a month now in the church. The only exception is my trip to Utah where I sort of just chilled with Jenna instead of going to church. But I have had a lot of things in my life pull me in one direction and then the other as far as my belief in the LDS church goes. I'm happy to share with you if you want, I'm just not sure I want to open a religious discussion on my blog. E-mail me if you care to know: spaceboyx96@gmail.com

I am well though. I'm trying to write some more material for Steve's songs I hit a bad wall there for a while and I couldn't really come up with anything worthy. I am writing a lot of new riffs lately. I wrote a wicked one just before I went to Utah, it's sort of AFI meets Coheed and Cambria meets Thrice. I really like it, and I want to jam with a band to feel out the rest of it. My writing process has changed a lot lately, I have been coming up with new sounds in my head then try to get them out on my guitar. My neighbors must hate me. Last night I was taking a bath trying to get my nose to un-plug. I had a candle lit and I was listening to a Sigur Ros album in the dark, which is one of my favorite things to do. I had all this stuff come to me but I couldn't get it out cause it was midnight and I'm positive my neighbors would have thrown a fit if my electric guitar was making some weird sounds that time of night. I saw my uncles band play on Friday at a bar here in town and it made me remember the few shows that I played with my band Valence. I had good times, and as far as I could tell so did the crowd. I just want to play again, it's killing me to not do something with that talent.

By the way I am the iPod F***ing King! I fixed mine with a little tough love. I think it was the only thing I have ever fixed by slamming it on a table. I could hear that the hard drive inside was not spinning or was locked somehow, so I slammed it flat on the back of the iPod and then the main menu came up. I formatted my iPod which I haven't done since April and loaded the new update on it. It sees to be doing great now. I just needed to call it names and treat it like my biyotch for a while. It likes it when I talk dirty.

Just an addendum...

2006-09-28T15:15:00.000-06:00

I'm not sad, and I'm not depressed, and I'm not "being emo", I'm just lazy and don't really feel anything right now. So that is why I haven't written anything meaningful for a while.

There is a new song that I have been listening to that is totally wicked. I would play it for you but lil' Kr5is the iPod crashed again and I don't have the songs anywhere else.

Steve gave me a copy of the song this weekend, and I recommend it. Check out Spill Canvas if you have a chance!

5

***

"Self-Conclusion"

Fade in, start the scene
Enter beautiful girl
But things are not what they seem
As we stand at the edge of the world

"Excuse me, sir,
But I have plans to die tonight
Oh, and you are directly in my way
And I bet you're gonna say it's not right"
My reply:
"Excuse me, miss
But do you have the slightest clue
Of exactly what you just said to me
And exactly who you're talking to?"

She said, "I don't care, you don't even know me"
I said, "I know but I'd like to change that soon, hopefully"
Yeah, we all flirt with the tiniest notion
Of self conclusion in one simplified motion
You see the trick is that you're never supposed to act on it
No matter how unbearable this misery gets

"You make it sound so easy to be alive
But tell me, how am I supposed to seize this day
When everything inside me has died?"
My reply:
"Trust me, girl
I know your legs are pleading to leap
But I offer you this easy choice-
Instead of dying, living with me"

She said, "Are you crazy? You don't even know me."
I said, "I know, but I'd like to change that soon hopefully"
Yeah, we all flirt with the tiniest notion
Of self conclusion in one simplified motion
You see the trick is that you're never supposed to act on it
No matter how unbearable this misery gets

I would be lying if I said that things would never get rough
And all this cliche motivation, it could never be enough
I could stand here all night trying to convince you
But what good would that do?
My offer stands, and you must choose

"All right, you win, but I only give you one night
To prove yourself to be better than my attempt at flight
I swear to god if you hurt me I will leap
I will toss myself from these very cliffs
And you'll never see it coming"
"Settle, precious, I know what you're going through
Just ten minutes before you got here I was going to jump too"

Yeah we all flirt with the tiniest notion
Of self conclusion in one simplified motion
You see the trick is that you're never supposed act on it
No matter how unbearable this misery gets

Like The Stone Face of Your Lover, Just Before She Says Goodbye

2006-09-26T17:05:00.000-06:00

I'm trying to put things back in place and perspective.

I can't really write, I don't have the energy or the desire to share how I feel lately.

Sorry...

5

Good Times...

2006-09-21T00:54:00.000-06:00

Car accidents suck.

My neck hurts.

It's That Time Again

2006-09-19T13:07:00.000-06:00

It's time for another trip to the good ol' Utah.

I have a lot of concerns about the trip and I have a lot of mixed feelings about some of the people I will be seeing, but I don't want to have to pick one friend over another anymore.

I have always tried to make people comfortable by not talking about certain friends while I was around them, but I am really done with that now.

If you girls can't play nice then you can't play with me. Actually that is really just for one girl.

WTF!?!?

2006-09-14T16:05:00.000-06:00

More evidence that our politician's* hands are in the pockets of the RIAA and MPAA.

Here is the proof. CLICK ME!

This article isn't really about piracy or copyright laws, but about the Apple DRM software. I can't stand buying music legit anymore for two reasons.

1) Sony Root Kit

Sony and other music publishers are constantly trying to develop ways to prevent consumers (people that pay for their music) from being able to put the songs they bought from a store on their personal audio devices. Now the only way to get music on to a personal audio device is to rip it to your computer's music library first. Sony's Root Kit was the software that prevented all Sony published CD's from being successfully ripped to your computer. All in the name of stopping piracy. As it turned out the code used to create the software was allegedly pirated, and the software was listed as a spyware. Every effort I made to remove the software ended in failure. Even Sony's sure fire removal tool didn't remove the software, and it would only work with Internet Explorer. So not only does the software not get removed, but you have to use IE which will make you more vulnerable to spyware. Good going Sony. Really all this form of "protection" did was piss off the customers the industry wants to keep.

2) Downloaded Songs Sound Like Shit

I have only bought songs from Apple, but I'm sure the other online distributors are the same. When you purchase a song from the Apple iTunes Store it automatically downloads the song and adds it to your library. The song is encoded using AAC and is 128kbps. That sort of compression ruins song quality and destroys the integrity of the mid range and high frequencies.

In order to fix the problem I have a few ideas.

Revise the copyright laws and change them to protect the owner and (new concept here) the consumer.
Offer a choice of quality after purchasing a song, even an un-encoded track.
What you do with the song after you buy it should not be the concern of the owner unless you are illegally distributing it or altering it.

The RIAA and the MPAA have tried to say that making a personal copy of the media is illegal. I think they are loosing the witch hunt and they are trying to get as much help from their friends in congress. Face it your sales have decreased because most of the movies and music released is just plain horrible. Plus you have not had a new media change in 7 years. Until there is something besides a CD or a DVD you will not feel the huge bump in earnings because everyone is buying their favorite titles on the new format. A tangible format not a digital file.

These organizations need to be disbanded.

*Spin, is there supposed to be an apostrophe?

Well, I Should Let You Know...

2006-09-13T13:28:00.000-06:00

I thought I should let you know that I will be taking another trip to Utah next weekend. I will be driving again, and this trip will be brief, but I wanted to give my Utah readers a heads up that I will be there. I will be driving out with my friend James who wants to go see my sister, but the reason for me to go is so I can continue my tradition of going to the X96 Big Ass Show. I haven't missed a show since 1999. I plan to go to every B.A.Sh. that they have until my family pulls the life support plug. This year's schedule looks interesting.

Yellowcard

Hawthorne Heights

Soul Asylum

Hoobastank

Alien Ant Farm

Rock Kills Kid

Head Automatica

She Wants Revenge

Blue October

Broke

Lostprophets

The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

Just like Spin, I have marked the bands I plan to see with Red. I haven't seen a lot of these bands, some of them are familiar. Broke's lead singer is a kid I used to chat with at local shows. I sat in on some recording sessions with a band that he was producing an album for. None of the bands playing this year are bands I have a lot of interest in, but I'm sure I'll enjoy the show. I think it will be hard to top the Our Lady Peace performance from last year's Big Ass Show as far as enjoyment by Kr5is goes. OLP have played the show 3 times, I think that is still the Big Ass Show record. I could be wrong. My favorite memory of the Big Ass Show is when I was backstage at the interview table. Davey Havok from AFI was wearing a red and black see-through mesh shirt with black electrical tape over his nipples. He was real nice, and took a deep interest in my friend Nate. I laughed for a good while.

Anyway, So I will be in town for the show. My cousin said he plans to drive down from BYU Idaho to go and he also said that Taking Back Sunday is playing that night. I can't confirm that but if they are... oh baby... I won't be seeing anyone unless they go to the B.A.Sh. with me.

This only happens...

2006-09-10T00:54:00.000-06:00

This only happens when I'm about to reach some sort of ledge that I can stand on. It seems to give away and then I'm left clinging to a root sticking out of the cliff that will inevitably be insufficient to support me. It then takes another year to climb back and make it a little further.

But on different note there is another new song on the blog.

Wish Me Luck

2006-09-08T07:52:00.000-06:00

This post is mostly for my friends at Dentrix.

I'm installing Dentrix G2 Beta (at least I think it's beta, has it been released?) in an office today with about 30 workstations. If you haven't seen slow before I bet today will be the day. So Martin if you hear about an Arbor Dental in Broomfield CO, you can call me as a contact.

I'm gonna die!

update.exe

2006-09-05T14:41:00.000-06:00

So I need to update apparently. Let's see, what have I done lately?...

...nothing...

It has been boring here lately. All I do is work on computers which is fun, but I can't do it on the weekends or in the evenings. I do it all day then all night??? Not a chance so I have been taking a break from my geekness. However I do have to tell you about my geekness for just a sec. Curtis recommended a program called Media Portal. It's basically a program designed to run and manage all your songs and movies. This one happens to be an open source program, which means that if I ever decide to become really geeky I can add and change the program as desired. Like for instance, I want the album art from the MP3 file to display in the window that the Visualization stuff goes. I don't usually like watching that anyway, and I would much rather see the art work. I just need to get off my ass and re-learn all the C++ I learned in high school. I don't even know if that is what they are writing in anymore. Aside from being open source the program has a few cool features like Weather and Radio. I can setup a zip code and it will display the 5 day forecast for any city. I have Parker CO, Orem, and Buenos Aries weather available to me whenever I feel like laughing at the Argentine people. On the Radio thing it is sweet. I set it up to stream X96 to my TV so I can still listen to what is happening in the music scene back in Utah. I have been encoding all my movies to DivX in my spare time so I can house them all on that computer. I spent most my day on Saturday encoding Rescue Me Season 2. Good show I might add. I need to get Nip/Tuck now and then I'll be done with my FX TV shows. But I have a feeling that Cartoon Network shows will keep me busy for a while.

Okay done with the geeking.

I had my last visit with my councilor last week. I think It helped me not to feel hopeless, so I'm not really depressed anymore. I haven't been to church since the bishop said that he thinks I'm ready to end my probation. That's a long story and I don't feel like telling you if you don't know it. Sorry. But I hope that I can find the motivation to go to church regularly so I can be free of this burden. Plus maybe go to the Temple for my birthday.

I haven't been able to write music lately, I think I'm trying too hard. I just need to sit back and let it flow like I used to. I want so bad to be successful in the since where I feel like my songs are good. I don't have to have other people tell me, but I need to feel it myself. I wrote a riff last night that was awesome, but I don't know where to go with it. I can do brilliant things with other peoples songs, but not my own. I think I'll piss off my neighbors tonight and break out my electric guitar.

My hair is longer then it has been in 10 years. The last time my hair was this long my dad shaved my head for being an asshole. It was cool, and it didn't work because I liked it and kept my hair short. I have tried a few times before to grow my hair long in the last year or so but gave up all the time during the ugly phase. So now I decided I don't have anyone to impress so I will just let it go through the ugly phase and hit the long and hot phase. I'm almost there, just 2 more weeks. I decided that I looked gay (literally) with long hair and a trimmed goatee, so I shaved it off last night. It was sort of a 'have to' situation though. I have been thinking about it for a long time, and I think it will be good motivation to continue working out so I can get rid of my double chin. However last night as I was shaving normally I slipped with the trimmer and... sad day... had to get rid of it. It feels so weird when the wind blows and I can feel it on my chin. I think I continue shaving it now, but we'll see how I like the long hair. Oooo, just had a thought... maybe I can dye my hair now? Would Black be bad?

All Your Base Are Belong To Kr5is!

2006-08-27T22:54:00.000-06:00

So you may have noticed the new song on the right side of the screen. I think I have posted the lyrics once before, but I don't know if anyone has actually heard the song. As the description of the album says, I didn't much like Deja Entendu from Brand New the first time I listened to it. I think I had a hard time getting used to the abrupt changes between the clean and distorted parts of the songs. Lyrically these songs are so good they make me sick. This song especially, I love songs that have a dark side to the lyrics but you can see and hear the smile in the singer's voice. Sort of like Tyler from Toadies, and that one song that Steve and I wrote. All that aside tell me what you think of the song.

There will be a lot of changes made here soon, you may not notice them for a while. I plan to migrate everything to my own host, and my own domain name. I have been looking into a word engine called Word Press. I have a few friends using it and I think it is really slick. Check out DIYHappy.com to see a page using it. Can anyone think of a cool domain name for my web page/blog? I'm not creative enough to think of one that describes me and my blog. Spin thought of NotEmoEnough.com, but I don't want to take that away from that project. So the next mission for the readers of Kr5istofer's Thoughts is to come up with a new name for the blog and a domain name.

On a personal side, things have been a little weird here for the last 3 weeks, a lot of weird feelings are coming up and some situations are hard to deal with, but I'm feeling great as well. I'll catch you kids later.

Voice Post #1

2006-08-22T11:20:00.000-06:00

LISTEN NOW! HURRY THEN COMMENT! WHY AM I YELLING?

Wonder of Wonder, Miracle Miracle!

2006-08-15T08:52:00.000-06:00

I will write a big post about my weekend soon, but first on to some good news about my little family here in Colorado.

I got to work this morning and set out to call Apple to have my iPod, lil Kr5is, repaired. I couldn't afford the surgery till now. So I pull it out of my bag and plugged it in to the wall, (which I have tried before) and he opened his main menu eyes! All my songs are there, and all my photos! It was so good to see it wake from it's coma. It's ALIVE! So I'm letting it charge to see if he stays awake for the advertised 15 hours. Thank you for all your prayers and support. My family appreciates it.

Kr5is

Before you...

2006-08-08T15:38:00.000-06:00

Before you Google who wrote the song, please read them. I like the lyrics a lot, and wish I could be this talented.

***

You were once a sweet little girl
So innocent and pure
You eyes were open and sure
Anyone could look right in

I followed closely your gaze
You looked up towards the sky
But I watched your face drift away
Other things had caught your eye

The magazines and media supplied you with their plastic protocol
And maybe music television really is the devil after all
But all I can say is I knew you before
You were beautiful back then
Before you grew up, before you gave in
You could be beautiful again

You dream of sharing your heart
Instead you share your bed
And your heart beats empty and cold
With all the tears that you have shed

You dream of baring your soul
Instead you bare more skin
And you wear dark glasses to keep
Anyone from looking in

And all you want is to hear the words
Dear baby I love you
So you hike your skirt higher still
Till there eyes are all on you

You drive in fast foreign cars
The color or your sin
And you tint your windows to keep
Anyone from looking in

My Weekend...

2006-08-07T00:23:00.000-06:00

I wanted to give you a taste of how awesome my weekend was, so I made a video of it!

For my friends that have a ***COUGHPROXYSERVERCOUGH*** blocking the way to eternal damnation here is a direct link!*

CLICK ME! (SFW)

*As of 12:30 last night, the host server of notemoenough.com was down, hopefully by the time you all read this it will be working again.

Ha ha! I Was Right! It's Gonna Fail!

2006-08-01T12:46:00.000-06:00

So I have said all along that Blu-ray isn't going to hold up because of Sony's hard-on for proprietary devices. Well that aside here is more evidence of it's lack of superiority in the market.

http://bluray.highdefdigest.com/trainingday.html

I can't wait for Sony to crawl back to Japan with their tails between their legs and put their Blu-ray on the shelf with the Betamax.

However this may be just a very poor job at transferring a film. But something tells me I'm right.

Okay Audience Participation Time

2006-07-29T04:05:00.000-06:00

**I bumped this post again because I wasn't satisfied with the response I got. So get off your lazy asses and TELL ME YOUR SONG MOMENT! **

So I want my readers to pick a song that they have a memory for and then tell the rest of us about it. I think it will be fun, it could be a funny story, or a serious moment, or one of the worst moments of your life. I hope I can tell you what I felt and thought and have you understand it from where I was. The song I pick is a song that may be hard for a few of you. Considering it is one of the greatest regret filled song ever. I have a few regrets, and I think you may understand one after reading this.

It was around the end of November or the beginning of December in 2004, I don't really remember but that is irrelevant. I had moved into a house on 8th north in Orem with 6 other guys, I had my own room which was lucky considering there were 3 1/2 bedrooms in the house. But I didn't like spending time there, probably because I had just got out of a bad relationship and I was feeling very alone. All my roommates were dating or planning on getting engaged. It was awkward to bring people over because Bryan slept on the couch in the front room and whenever he got home he would be rude. Jenna and I had been starting to hang out a lot more now that I was single and she was really single. Danielle was working at Sears in the Provo Town Center for the holiday season and didn't have a car. So Jenna picked her up a lot, one night she asked me to go with her, and I did. It was raining in Utah county that night. We drove down there and listened to some music on the way. She had a CD in that she had been listening to for a while, I think Ben Folds' the Luckiest was on it and a Blues Traveler song or two were on it too. We got to Sears and started to wait. We ended up having to wait for a while till Danielle could come out. So we fogged up the car in a very cool way, but not the way you all think. We talked... and sang songs... and discussed my band... and her music... After the windows were foggy we drew our names in the fog on her sunroof. We made all sorts of fun designs. At some point in the night the song Raining in Baltimore from Counting Crows came on. I about cried. That song has always had a huge impact on me, but not in a depressing way. It was perfect for the moment. There was a spirit in the air in that parking lot that night, and all the variables were right to make a memory. I think that is one thing that fueled the awesome friendship that she and I have. I didn't know it then but, that would be the last time I ever heard that song in her company again. She wouldn't want to listen to it any time I started to play it. I'm sure there is a memory there that she would like to not bring up, especially since she lived in Baltimore at one point, but that was never made clear to me. But I created a memory with it, and whenever I hear that song I remember that night. One of the greatest nights of my life, and nothing huge happened, just an awesome conversation and memory with my best friend. The writing on her window managed to stay there for a whole year till it was washed off during our trip to Colorado last November. But sometimes the streaks catch the light just right and you can see part of a Kris and a Jenna written on the window. Listen to the song and put yourself in my shoes, and tell me if you think I'm crazy.

It's your turn to share.

Dammit!

2006-07-28T11:38:00.000-06:00

I want a Senate that isn't pro choice and anti-war, but also doesn't side with corporations and the wealthy.

I haven't really understood the seriousness of the Net Neutrality issue that the Senate has been debating. I finally took a look at it and I was sad to see what is happening. If you don't know what it is I'll try and make it clear.

Net Neutrality prevents service providers and network owners from blocking web pages, services, and connection to other networks. If Net Neutrality is removed then Service Providers will be able to limit the ability to connect to other networks or some web pages. This has already happened in the history of the internet and is wrong.

I visited the web page http://www.savetheinternet.com/ today. There is a link to show you which senators want to keep the internet the way it is, and who wants to remove net neutrality. A lot are undecided, however all but 1 who want to keep Net Neutrality are Democrat. I have voted Republican for most of my voting life because I think they do a better job at keeping the military strong and our borders safe, but I don't want to give a little take a little anymore. The internet is just fine the way it is, abortion is murder, corporations should be taxed more, oil companies need to be regulated or audited, War is a good thing, government officials need a pay cut, and everyone needs to wake up and realize that Americans live in a shell and are afraid to be offended and greedy. There are too many activists now, and not enough people actually doing something. I'm going to stop now...

200th Postacular!

2006-07-27T16:10:00.000-06:00

So if I had been writing every day I would have reached this lofty goal a while ago, but I don't like writing about my personal life every day. Also I don't seem to stumble over something interesting every day too.

I will be going to Utah on the 10th and leaving the 14th. I hope to see most of my Utah readers, maybe a party and a late night Wal-mart chill are in order. I'm sorry, Spin, that I'll miss you, but have fun in San Diego.

I bought a new CD the other day, and I didn't like it. That is until I got to track 5. Underoath's new album Define the Great Line is cool. The first few track are the usual from the band, they all sounded the same to me, but then track 5, Salmarnir, was pretty much an instrumental and then goes right into track 6, Returning Empty Handed, without stopping. Sort of reminded me of Intro & Point #1 from Chevelle a few years back. It is all awesome from there. Some really cool tracks on this CD. If you're into the Metal/Punk I think you might like this album. But don't take my word for it!

All is good here at camp Harrison in Colorado, noting real interesting to report on. I have come a long way since post #1 at the beginning of the blog-o-Kr5is. It's fun to go back and read those first two months. I recommend it for a good laugh.

Thanks for sticking with me everyone.

So I thought about...

2006-07-25T09:34:00.000-06:00

So I thought about getting a tattoo last night. I didn't because I can't really think of something I want that is permanent or as cool as Spins C:\>_ tattoo. But I was in a tattoo parlor last night, but not for me. I had dinner with Dave and his wife and Miranda, and afterwards Miranda asked me if I thought she should pierce her belly button again. Of course I said heck yes! I love navel piercings I think they are so cute. So I'm getting ready to help Dave install Vista on his computer when Miranda comes and asks me what I'm doing. She had a look on her face like she was ready to be mischievous, which is always fun to see on a friends face. She said we were going somewhere and it was a surprise. We went to Jason's house and then drove up to Denver. We went to a tattoo parlor on Colfax which is like 4th South in Salt Lake, everything is on that road. On the way we passed the Fillmore where Muse was playing, I cried for a moment then got excited to go into the parlor. Inside there were lots of pictures of tattoos and stuff. I have always thought tattoos were cool, but not for me. I told some friends once that if I'm ever a rockstar I would have my arms tattooed and do sleeves. I decided I need to find a different stage in life where I would get a tattoo, but I still don't know what I would get. What would you get oh awesome and for the most part silent readers? Feel free to post a pictuer if you do have a tattoo, and let's keep it PG-13. So that means Chris can't post his tattoo's.

Mirnda got the piercing done and then we talked at Jason's house till 3:30 AM and now I'm at work, good times but I will always remember the trip to the tattoo place on Colfax.

The Geek in Me

2006-07-22T19:42:00.000-06:00

I found this today.

So they have announced that they will in fact be making a new Star Trek movie. I was watching Syriana today and while watching the movie I decided to go to imdb.com and read up on people in the movie. I clicked on Matt Damon's name and something caught my eye. He is cast in the new Trek movie as none other than Captain James T. Kirk. Obviously a younger version and as it turns out William Shatner approved the choice in casting. I can't wait for this movie. I have renewed my interest in the Star Trek universe recently by watching the entire series of Enterprise starring Scott Bakula who is also soon to star in a movie version of Quantum Leap. I'll let you all discuss what Quantum Leap is and if you don't know I recommend you refresh your knowledge of early 90's pop culture, or ask your parents. Also (i'm beginning to feel like a promoter now) William Shatner is this years target for the Comedy Central Roast. It will be sometime in August, but I can't wait for the T.J. Hooker jokes and a speech from Spock!

Oorright!

2006-07-20T20:49:00.000-06:00

Okay so I haven't Posted anything of worth for about 2 weeks. I really haven't had anything to write about. I'm not really feeling anything lately. A lot of cool things have happened, but I don't feel anything. I'm just sort of like, Meh...

So I'll give you a list of a few things that have happened. I have been talking to my bishop and going to church regularly. He said that I should be able to take the sacrament soon, I just have to have good church attendance and the other usuals (pray, read, etc). We'll see where it goes. I have made a new friend named Jason who is cool. He is a photographer, and his wife just divorced him. Lame! So we have been hanging out and watching movies. His photography will be on display at a gallery here in town next month. I think I'll buy a photo and hang it in the apartment. However I need to work on that non homosexual image. I think some people are seriously wondering. This last weekend my brother and sister, Zach and Aubrey, flew out here and stayed with me for a few days. On Friday I had my cousins over for a Halo party, we played till 12AM, which was an early stop for a Halo gathering. We played some fun games like 4 way CTF Sniper. That game went forever. Or 4 way SWAT Neutral Flag. The games were long! The next day like 10 people went to Six Flags, and it just happened to be the hottest day of the year in Denver. 102 degrees and 15% humidity. It was hot, and sweaty, but we still had fun. I didn't feel sick on the Mind Eraser, but I still managed to yell so loud that I lost my voice. It would be a great rock star scream if I could ever reproduce it in a studio. That night Steve and McCall stayed at my house, they were on the way back to Utah from a trip to D.C. and NYC. It was so good to see them and be able to return the hospitality they always showed me. We did however have the worst Wendy's experience ever, and then I had another one today. No more Wendy's for me. The next day we went to a breakfast place in Denver and met Brian a friend that moved to Denver last fall. We chilled and then I had to go. But seeing them in my home town made my weekend. After that I took Aubrey and Zach to Pueblo to chill with my grandpa. He gave me a lamp for my bedroom so I don't have to try and get ready for bed with the light of my closet. I had a busy Monday and work week too. The cool thing is I got my company car, not truck, car. It's a Dodge Intrepid with AC, CD, leather seats, sunroof, 4dr, power everything and you can control the stereo with buttons on the back of the steering wheel. Pretty cool. Other then that, not much new. I think I mentioned my new computer if not it's a AMD 3700 64. 1GB of ram and a 160 GB SATA drive... oh and physics chip. But I don't play games, and a lot of it I'm sure is going to waste. However my totally wicked object dock is as smooth as can be. I setup my old computer as a media box and play movies off it now, and I put a Viper V card in it today in hopes to somehow make it work like a DVR. I need to find a program that will talk to that chipset and control the device. So yeah that's it. I don't feel like being to talkative about what I feel. I wrote a new song and I like it, and everyone should check out the new Killers song that they are playing on the radio. It's pretty good. Plus Muse is playing on Monday here and I want to go, but again nobody to take that appreciates it like I do.

Oh baby!

2006-07-20T12:29:00.000-06:00

I can't wait till my 24x24 core processor becomes available.

It reminds me of when I got my first Gillette Mach 100 razor. Best shave I ever had.

http://hardware.slashdot.org/hardware/06/07/20/1717225.shtml

Clean Flix Part Two

2006-07-13T14:53:00.000-06:00

Here is a link to a lot of cool comments from Slashdot readers on the subject of movie censoring or editing.

http://backslash.slashdot.org/article.pl?sid=06/07/11/169230&from=rss

Thanks to Matt for the link.

The Flags of Dawn

2006-07-12T10:30:00.000-06:00

So I put a new song up on the blog. Please take a listen to it, the song is called The Flags of Dawn by Thrice, which happens to be my favorite band right now. Sorry not Our Lady Peace or Smashing Pumpkins.

This song was a b-side and is not on the album Vheissu, but it is one of the best songs that they have ever done. It is debated what the song is actually about. I know that a lot of Thrice songs have biblical references, and this song seems to be a song about hope or the return of God, but that is what I took. I managed to find it today, and decided to share it with all my readers.

PLEASE tell me what you think of the song, or if you can hear it.

ThriceThriceThrice

It should be to your ~~left~~* right! ---------------------------->

this darkness would
eclipse our will
a cold wind blows
across these hills
a swinging gaze
from a hangman's tree
a crow's nest view
of what's left to see
the light that's formed
of saints return the silence to the snow
still beneath the craters waiting
for this time to grow

so hold on
hold tight
open daylight
we will overcome

so put away your fear
the morning star will soon appear
and bring an end
to this dark night
and we must run if we're to meet the light
watered by the blood of martyrs
blessed and blind as sons and daughters
sleep with one eye open
and live with both eyes shut
so let's find the place where sight begins
and see the things that we saw when our
eyes were bright and wet against the light

and hold on
hold tight
open daylight
we will overcome

open your eyes
over the new sight
fly the flags of dawn

*Thanks Martin

Ha ha!

2006-07-11T13:34:00.000-06:00

So I told the computer what color my underwear is, and it then told me what kind of rejected crayon color I am. Gross!

You are

What Rejected Crayon Are You?

Interesting Stuff...

2006-07-10T08:45:00.000-06:00

So on Friday I had to drive to Glenwood Springs again, which is my least favorite office to visit. Not because they are mean by any means, but because it's so far away! But I got a lot of music listening in which is something that I don't get to do enough of. Most of you thing I must be crazy due to that statement. I found the song I'm going to play for my family reunion this year. Stare At The Sun from ... You guessed it... Thrice. It will be a hit trust me. The reunion is at the end of august in Grand Junction. I wish it was in Utah or here in Parker like they used to be. We usually go to a cabin up in the mountains where there is no internet or phone service. I am a 21st Century Digital Boy, and I need to have my modern amenities or someone might get hurt. I think my Verizon phone from work might actually have service and I can then use it as a modem. We'll see how that will work, but I'm betting I'll get up there and find that there is no service for even Verizon. So I plan to bring my tablet and my hard drive which is now FULL of movies that Dave and I have ripped.

I formatted my tablet this weekend. It is working so much better, no spyware pop ups, and no slow starting. I think I won't be searching for crack codes on this computer again. Maybe I'll do it on my Linux partition on my other computer and see how the spyware and viruses affect that.

I have been feeling sick the last few days too. I woke up on Friday and my throat was swollen and my head hurt. I have had that every day now since then. I met with my bishop on Sunday, and he is a cool guy. He has been in touch with my old bishops to get the scoop on me. He said that I should be out of my probation, which I have been in since February of 2003, should be close to done. I don't have any big problems like I used to, and I have been 100% attendance for a month. I can keep it up I know. So hopefully I can be cleared to be in good standing again, and then I can have something that I am in control of.

In other news I'm about to be a little political so please pay close attention.

Clean Flix has to shut down!!!! I'm thrilled about this. Here is an article about the decision. For those that don't know what Clean Flix is I'll explain. This is a company that would purchase movies, and then go through and pull the content out that is questionable. After that they would rent the films out to people that normally wouldn't watch them due to content. They thought they were okay on the copyright laws because they purchased it and then it was theirs to do whatever they wanted. But they were wrong. Don't get me wrong the idea of trying to bring these movies to a more conservative audience is a good one, but that is what Hollywood needs to do, not a bunch of conservative do-gooders. I don't think movies should have this sort of content anyway, but the facts are that it is going to happen, and regardless of what is in the film, it is not your creation. You have no right to change or alter it. I hope Hollywood does take an approach that these things aren't entirely desired in movies, but I doubt they will. Truth be known I have never been offended by a Steven Spielberg film, and some of them do have very harsh images and scenes. Those films happen to be docu-draumas though, you know the kind based on real events. I saw an edited version of Saving Private Ryan once at the SCERA theater at an outdoor screening. This version sucked. There was no real portrayal of what happened to these men. I doubt Schindlers List would be as powerful if it was cleaned up for the family. The intention of the movie would be lost. Munich would be a complete failure if the attempt was made to edit. This movie is based on a group of Israeli Jews taking revenge on the people that arranged the Munich massacre. The whole plot is murder, and killing which is historically accurate. I think I'm losing sight of my point. That is don't censor someone else's creation. You can protest and talk about it, but don't cut the junk on Michelangelo's David.

Some pictures and other stuff

2006-07-06T12:11:00.000-06:00

So this is a picture I took outside my apartment complex the other day. It has been raining a lot and I love it when it's cloudy. I always have, and not it's not because I'm emo, cause I'm not.

I'm not sure why I like stuff like that.

Things are good, and I had a good day yesterday. It was busy, but I got to go meet with my therapist. I don't know why I want to see one because I write better music when I feel the way I do lately. However I can see where my priorities have been and where they should be. I'm very self critical, and I don't know where that comes from. I hope to find it soon. The therapist I'm going to is an LDS Social worker really. I wanted to find an actual LDS therapist so they would understand the crap I go through because of what I feel is expected of a man my age. They have me fill out a questionnaire about how I feel in situations. They then score it, she said that I usually have a score of 92, and that is high considering they usually treat people with a score of 70. I have a serious question for my readers based on that. I assume all of you know me and have some sort of respect for me and appreciation for me, have you noticed that I'm unhappy or depressed for a while now? How long have you noticed it? This is a great time for all the lurkers who just read and leave to actually comment. I go through ups and downs, and I think this meeting with my counselor is really helping. I would like to know what you all have noticed about me. Blog aside, I mean actual interaction.

I have been loosing a lot of weight. I drink less soda and more water. I'm not sitting at a desk for work too. Actually I still weigh about the same, but it's all going to the right places not to my gut. My cousin took this pic.

Things are changing and I'm excited actually to see where I can take it. I don't feel so helpless, even though my truck's key wont turn off, and I don't have any money or food. I feel good. Sort of like Kevin Spacey did at the end of American Beauty, only I hope I don't die after writing this. Oh by the way, the new Superman movie kicks ass! I saw it last night with my cousins. Kevin Spacey is by far the best Lex Luthor ever, and Brian Singer managed to do a good job. If only Fox had waited a year to release X-Men so he could direct it. Maybe then the movie would have been better. I still say that Batman Begins is the best Super Hero movie of all time. But that is just me.

Check this out.

2006-07-05T12:50:00.000-06:00

So I taped this at the soccer game last night. It's a soccer game of mascots from Colorado colleges and teams against mascots from around the west. I'll post more about yesterday, which totally rocked, later.

I know a lot of you can't use YouTube at work, so here a direct link to the file.

LINK!

Weekend update....

2006-07-03T10:11:00.000-06:00

Well my weekend is half over. I enjoy having 4 day weekends especially when I'm paid for 2 days. On Friday I worked all over the place, but it was worth it knowing that I had a long weekend ahead. On Saturday I went to the Denver Zoo with a bunch of people. I haven't been there since I was a kid. It still had all the exhibits that I loved. The polar bear exhibit is awesome because you can watch them like you normally do but then you can do down some stairs and see them through some glass swimming in the water. There were a lot of cool new things there too, sadly no Liger. (Sorry Mat) I took some video footage of Dave trying to rap a song about the zoo. Something like G-O-T-O The Denver Z-O-O it was cool. I had fun, I wish some of you were there too.

I couldn't help but remember when I went to the Zoo in Utah. I went with Keeli, Lee (Dentrix Support's SHPR Dude), Bryan Inks, Debbie, Stacy, and Kevin, (Flash as I call him, and BattleCat on the blogosphere). Flash had broken his back in an incident at the theater we worked at, but he was recovering well, all while wearing this awesome man-corset. We were on the way there at an intersection in SLC on 4th South, and we happened to be the first car at the stop light. I had been yelling "We're going to the zoo!" all day. So when we stopped, Flash, corset and all, opened his door, the rear drivers side door, and began to run around the car yelling, "We're going to the zoo!" Flash had began running around the car counter clockwise, and right when he was making his way up the passenger side Bryan thought it would be a good idea to do it too. However Bryan didn't know where Flash was, and when he opened his door Flash, broken back and all, slammed full speed into the door. Somehow he ended up face down on the hood of the car. He stood up and continued to painfully say "we're going to the zoo" as he now limped around the car. Everyone was laughing that he continued to say that. The cars around us were laughing too, and the guy in the car next to us was laughing so hard he was was crying . Flash was okay, no need to worry, but this story has been one of my favorites to tell about one of my awesome friends. Man he and I had some good times.

Anyway back to my weekend... On Sunday I wasn't feeling too spiritual, so I didn't go to church, but I did play Halo, which is spiritual enough. I did laundry, and sort of straightened up the place. I invited the people I hang out with over to watch R.E.N.T. on Pay Per View. I haven't seen that movie, not because of not wanting to, mostly because I haven't really gone to movies that much in the last year. I think I can count them all on one hand. I highly recommend this film. I saw the national tour of it in 2000 or 2001 sometime. It was amazing on stage, but even better on film. Christopher Columbus couldn't use a John Williams score which was good, and it didn't seem like his usual childish crap he does. I liked the first two Harry Potter films, but I hated his direction style. Most of the characters in the movie are played by the original Broadway cast members, and they looked so comfortable in the roles. WATCH IT! Everyone left except Miranda, and we watched Not Another Teen Movie un-cut on Comedy Central till we fell asleep. It was a good couple of days. I will post pictures and a video as soon as I get my camera back from Dave's house. I'm going to Six Flags and a Soccer game tomorrow. I'm excited so scream and cry like a girl when I go on that one ride that drops you from the top of the tower. Apparently that is what I do.

Um...

2006-07-01T21:40:00.000-06:00

I'm gay for Jesus.

It's a long story, but I heard a friend say this tonight.

Are you gay for Jesus?

Words To Live By

2006-06-30T09:37:00.000-06:00

"Pop music should be a series of meaningless clichés strung together by a pleasing melody, to help pass the time during long commutes or loveless marriages." -Stephen Colbert 06.27.06

I laughed, I cried, It changed my life.

Oh man!

2006-06-29T09:46:00.000-06:00

I want to die.

So something that I authorized months ago and was told that I would have to okay it before I would be charged went through.
My work deposit should go through today, but I won't have enough money to survive or work till the end of July.

Paycheck today is $1004
Rent due on Saturday is $600
In the hole to the bank $341
I owe a bill of $240
Gas will be $250 between now and the 15th
Utilities are $100
Therapist is $60 a visit
I don't have any food at home and I don't eat out anymore.

$1500 to pay before the 15th. $1100 due tomorrow.

I don't mean to complain, I'm sorry that is all I have done on my blog that used to be a happy place. "You said that would be a happy house" lol
I can't do it. I can't be a good human being. I deserve this I guess.

The Cool Kids Club

2006-06-28T23:02:00.000-06:00

I really don't care what anyone thinks anymore. I need to snap... and not be afraid of any of you anymore. I have come to realize that I'm just a phase to some. I don't feel like I really have a place to call home, or secure, or comfortable. I keep thinking I invested my time into the wrong places, and I feel like life is pointing me to places that I don't want to be. I don't want to be with her but if I'm not then will I be alone? What if you already had your chance and you blew it? You couldn't see past the lust, and the truth that everyone was showing you, and you drove her away. Way to go Kris! She isn't coming back, she can't. Why would she? What if everything you hoped for is an empty set of promises handed down to you from the neon life you once chased after? What if it isn't for you because you don't fit it's mold? Where will my expectations and reality reach a plateau? I don't think that what I want is capable of wanting me. Don't deny it. Think for yourself, and stop living in the world of the beautiful. Vanity is a sin, and everyone is guilty, especially the accuser. I just want a fair chance where love and romance is blind, and justice can see the iniquities of my peers and myself. I'm tired of fighting for something that wasn't foreordained for me. I did blow it. My insecurities and my fears took hold of me and allowed me to destroy just about everything that I ever felt so strongly about. I can't start over because it's to late. I have no place with my peers. They're all married, or all glamorous, and youthful, and hip, and something I have always tried to be but never could get it right. Somehow I have arranged it so my happiness comes from the approval of my peers, and it is destroying me that I can't be like them. I can wear all the right clothes, listen to the right songs, know all the inside jokes, but I still can't be in that club. The cool kids club... The paired off club... You know the one with the bouncer outside deciding if you are good enough?

I can't breathe, please don't ignore me this time.

Orson Scott Card

2006-06-27T09:59:00.000-06:00

I wanted to post a link to an article written by Orson Scott Card about piracy in the media industry. I am someone as most of you know, who is a huge opponent of tougher copyright laws. I think the laws are too tough as it is, but that isn't the point I plan to argue or present. I believe that all parties involved with making movies, music, literature, or art need to be fairly compensated. I am a musician myself and if I ever get to the point where I can work professionally then my paychecks would come from royalties and would be protected under copyright laws. These laws need to exist, but the meaning of the law keeps changing to the whim of the industry. This needs to stop.

The article by Orson Scott Card brings up some interesting points about what the industry is complaining about. I personally believe that if the music industry wants to fight piracy then they need to find better music to produce, and not lynch the poor kid that downloaded a few crappy songs.

Please read it and tell me what you think.

Click Here

Catherine Wheel

2006-06-25T19:11:00.000-06:00

I have been remembering a lot of music that I used to listen to a lot lately. One band that I discovered while working as a DJ for X96 is Catherine Wheel. There was a song from them called Black Metallic that I used to listen to on repeat after hearing it. Not that it was a really powerful song, which is usually the case with songs that I write about, but something just hooked me. If you can find a copy of it, I recommend you take a listen. I had to download a P2P client and risk spyware to get a copy again. I have been looking for the album whenever I'm in a place that sells music, but I haven't found it. Maybe I'll have to go to Independent Records in Colorado Springs again. I found a Vinyl copy of Vheissu from Thrice there, and of course I bought it without a second thought. I also saw Lateralus from Tool, and I plan to go back and get that. But if you have a chance to listen to Black Metallic from Catherine Wheel then let me know what you think.
On Friday I drove to Glenwood Springs again for work. I'm glad I made it in one piece, my tires are starting to show metal instead of tread. I plan on buying new tires when I get paid, but that isn't till Friday. I hope I make it. On the way home I took a different way, which took an hour off the usual trip. I took Independence Pass which is a very high pass. So high that you get above the tree line, I took a picture of a view just before the summit.

I haven't had a nicer drive through the mountains ever. It was quiet, and I had the opportunity to listened to some music that Jenna suggested I listen to. Of course is was life altering, just like usual when Jenna introduces me to music. I highly recommend the album Plans from Death Cab for Cutie, pretty much the whole album is so cool, with the exceptions of Soul Meets Body, and Crooked Teeth. Both just happen to be the singles played on the radio, and both are complete crap when compared to songs like Brothers In A Hotel Bed, What Sarah Said, and I Will Follow You Into the Dark. Anyway this is turning into a review. Just listen to it.

This is sweet!

2006-06-20T13:34:00.000-06:00

This is what I would look like if I was a charicter on South Park.

You can create your own too. Click here and have at it!

The Events of Saturday Night

2006-06-19T23:28:00.000-06:00

I chilled with my cousins all day on Saturday. Actually we just drove around and went to a tanning place. We then watched America play Italy in the World Cup game. Dave called and wanted to know when I would be back in Parker, cause there was talk of going to Miranda's and go swimming and chilling in hot tub. I was so down with this idea, it has been years since I was willing to go do this with friends. It was fun cause I got to bring my diving mask and flippers to the pool. Dave and I took turns swimming around looking like geeks. At one point I was swimming on the surface using a snorkel, the I tried to go under, but I hit my face on the bottom of the pool. I guess I found out the hard way that I was in the shallow end of the pool. It was fun all the same, I can't wait till I get my key card for my pool, so I can go swimming a lot. Unfortunately the hot tub was closed for repair or something, so I didn't get to relax like that. Afterwards we went and got some JBC's, I forgot how good they taste. I don't really eat out anymore, maybe a sub sandwich for lunch, but I usually can make it home for lunch now. We wanted to rent a movie, so we went to Blockbuster. We decided to have a tailgate party in the blockbuster parking lot. Dave asked someone to take a picture of us chilling in the parking lot.

I had a blast. It reminded me of chilling in the Wal-Mart parking lot in Orem with everyone drinking a lot of cream soda getting ready to go to the hole. I need to do that the next time I go to Utah. Maybe I'll take a small group of my close friends, it would be worth the trespassing ticket. I'll just miss my court date and have a warrant for my arrest in Utah.

I got a copy of the new Dashboard Confessional album that day too, it will be available for purchase at the end of June. I will put a review for that and the new Muse album up on NotEmoEnough.com soon. I have to write one for Thursday too, but I have a hard time writing about albums I don't like. On Sunday I went to church and that fun stuff. I set an appointment with my bishop for Wednesday. I have lived here for 4 months and I still haven't met with him, but not by my fault at all. I have had 3 appointments canceled for one reason or another. I spent the evening with my uncle and aunt, I called my dad, but then I got a surprise call from someone I haven't talked to in nearly 13 years. My old bishop Ken Thiess called and told me that he was thinking about me and wanted to have lunch with me on Friday. Then on today I got a call from my therapist, she wanted to meet with me tomorrow. It looks like it will be a busy week for me, I just have to get through it. I'm ready to have an aneurysm or something, I need a real vacation, not one where I feel like shit when I go home.

A.W.E.S.O.M.O.

2006-06-18T21:21:00.000-06:00

Okay, so this is one of my favorite episodes of South Park. Every home nees to have an A.W.E.S.O.M.O. in their home. If you can't see the video clip then you need to have Quicktime installed and have it setup to play the audio for the browsers. Firefox should have no problem. Click here for help.

UPDATE 6-19-06 11:00 PM: I stopped the autoplay on the video. It got annoying fast. Could anyone see it?

New Blog Skin

2006-06-17T10:10:00.000-06:00

So I have been thinking of changing my blog template for quite a while now. My MySpace.com template is still my old one, but I needed a change. After seeing how cool Jenn7a's blog looked, I decided to get of my A! and make the change. I got it from a web page called GeckoandFly. They have some cool template designs so it won't look like a typical blogger blog. I added a few things of my own and shazam! Here is my new blog. Tell me what I should change. I'm thinking of moving the comments to the bottom, but maybe not.

Kr5is

Concert

2006-06-16T15:42:00.000-06:00

So I am going to a concert tonight. I'll be seeing a band called The Photo Atlas. Here is a link to their myspace if you want to hear what they sound like.

http://www.myspace.com/danceatlasdance

Sort of At the Drive In meets Thursday, meets The Strokes. I'm stoked, I'll take some pictures and post them for you to see. I need this, that's for sure, I haven't been to a concert or a musical event in almost 3 months. I'm about to go crazy, I have the shakes and everything.

Well...

2006-06-15T21:56:00.000-06:00

Thanks man, you know who you are.

Sorry Guys...

2006-06-15T09:24:00.000-06:00

I really shouldn't be writing right now. I'm sad. I don't know why, but I am. I think I'll try and find a therapist today. I hate this cycle that I go through. You know that emotional roller coaster that everyone relates to? What they don't tell you is that the roller coaster is never as high as it first was. You have to get off the ride and pay another admission fee before you can be towed to the top again. But you're only going to go lower and lower again and again. I hope my ride is almost over. Maybe I'll go shopping and buy some meaningless shit that I don't need.

I heard the new song today.

***

The sky glows.
I see it shining with my eyes closed.
I hear your warnings when we both know,
I'm guna love you yet again.

Don't wait,
don't wait,
the road ends now,
in suddency, and suddenly,
you're deep enough to let your armor down,
to let your armor down,
to let your armor down.

You get one look.
I'll show you something that the knife took,
A bit too early for my own good.
Now lets not speak of it again.

Don't wait,
don't wait,
your road ends now,
in suddency, and suddenly,
you're deep enough to let your armor down

Don't wait,
don't wait.
Your life will flash, and fade away.
Your days will pass you by,
don't wait...and let your armor down,
to let your armor down,

Real World

2006-06-14T15:00:00.000-06:00

So The Real World is filming here in Denver.

http://realworlddenver.blogspot.com/

Maybe I should go hang out in bars downtown and try and get on TV, or get on something.... I mean....

I don't know what to really say, but it's time to say something

2006-06-13T22:39:00.000-06:00

I have been working a lot this week, which is good especially since I have to pay rent with my next paycheck. I have been driving a lot, but that's what happens when you visit other peoples businesses as your profession. Today I went downtown to setup a remote service for one of our clients. Little did I know that I was going to meet a new girl. Her name is Allison, and she is the office manager for the office I visited today. I got her number and I plan on calling this one, she seems like a lot of fun, and hope maybe a date or two will come out of it. I don't think anything else will happen, but it will be a girl to chill with. I don't want to be set up on a date, and I don't want to date girls from church. I'm not sure why, but I don't. Anyway that was a small part of what has been happening lately. Dave and Joseph are leaving town. Joseph is going to China for 4 weeks and Dave is going to Germany for 3 months. In the mean time I plan to go to Utah again, or maybe San Diego. 311 is playin at Red Rocks at the end of July and my friend Arielle is most likely flying out to go to the show with me. I wonder what my friends think of me with all these girls coming out to see me. Since I have been in high school I have been better friends with girls than guys. But the guys I'm friends with I feel a real friendship. Lets go over the list. When I first moved here Krista came to see me and Thrice, and I had a blast. Jenna came out to help her sister move, and I got to see her then. Christena came out to go to the cabin with me. Tera wants to come out and visit. Rachel will be coming sometime this summer. Arielle at the end of July. My sister and brother will be here in July too. Man I feel appreciated, and like a complainer. None of these visits are romantic in the least bit, but I have a hard time convincing my friends that I'm not a player, or a lip slut. What a plague! As fun as it is for everyone to come see me or to go visit, it gets tiring. I have now found that when I eventually move back to Utah next summer I'll have to fly back to Denver quite a bit to visit the people I made a connection with or renewed connections with. This weekend (which seems to be all I live for... the weekends) I am going to a concert with my cousin Grant, who is just awesome. I can't wait to chill with him. I need someone to go to concerts with. I know that I have friends here, but it's hard when I worry if they are having fun the whole time. Case in point, I took Christena to a concert once, and she hated it. Plus she then began to question why I like it. I believe she said that the people looked like zombies in the audience. Now anyone that has been to a concert with me knows that I disappear into the music and atmosphere. According to a few people I tend to have a pissed off look on my face, so I know how it is to be a 'zombie'. Just a quick list of the best concerts I have ever been to:

Sigur Ros - October 2005 in Vegas with Spin. Best show I have ever been to.
Smashing Pumpkins - May 2000, Andy Danelle, and Mark went to this one.
Deftones - Sometime in 2000 - Steve and I got meet a few of the band members.
311 - 2001 - I was with Krista, and caught a drum stick.
Our Lady Peace - 1999 - An all acoustic show at DV8, which was totally wicked. Bryan came to that one.
Our Lady Peace - 2002 - DV8, with Amber and Heather. Man that was awesome.
Thrice - 2006 in Denver with Krista
30 Seconds to Mars - 2005 Lo-fi with Jenna

Anyway, I don't know why I felt like I should post this, I'm wanting to go see AFI here in Denver and Damien Rice in a few weeks here too. However I don't know anyone here that would really appreciate it. Tool will be here again in August and I want to go, but I can't stand going alone. I need to find a totally wicked emo girl that has an appreciation for what I like. Whatever this random rant is near over. Things are good, and I am having a good time. I hope to see you all soon.

Eternal Sunshine of My Spotless Mind

2006-06-08T23:15:00.000-06:00

So today was a long day. I had 5 appointments and a lot to do at each of them, the usual stuff though, nothing big. I got home from work and played Halo for a while, but quickly got bored. I managed to download a copy of Windows Vista Beta 2 and began transferring it to a DVD. Dave called and wanted to come over so he did. I played Halo again for a while till he came over. He wanted to install Vista on his laptop so we started. Right now we're waiting for it finish. I'll let you know how it goes. I plan to install it on a different hard drive. I'll pick one up from work tomorrow and experiment. I'm so tired and I feel like I'm rambling and not posting anything of any worth here, but I am a little distracted. I put a movie in to pass the time while Windows was installing. The movie is Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind, which is one of my favorite movies. However whenever I watch it, I evaluate my life and situations and wonder if I would do the same. The movie is about a guy that erases a girl from his memory, after she erased him. While the company erasing his memory is performing the procedure, he tries to keep some memories of her by hiding her in other places in his mind. Would I erase someone? Surprisingly I came to the conclusion that I would. When I asked this question to my friends a year or so ago my answer was different, but now I think that I would. Not necessarily relationships, I value all that I have learned from every relationship, but there are a few friendships that I have where I would erase a few memories. There are a few former friends that I would erase all together. I don't know where I'm going with this, but it is a question that I would like my readers to answer. Would you erase someone or some things from your memory? Is ignorance better? Please respond, that is if blogger ever fixes the comment section. I wrote a new song yesterday, now I'm working on the lyrics, we'll see how I do, I'm thinking I'll include something similar to the title of the movie in it. Wish me luck.

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd

HOLY CRAP! I LOVE THIS CD

2006-06-07T16:36:00.000-06:00

Thank you Steve for telling me to listen to this album. The new AFI album is so wicked that it almost makes me sick. I wrote a review on the album and put it on my web page that I'm working on. You can see it if you like.

notemoenough.com

My favorite song on the album is Endlessly, She Said. Check it out if you have a chance.

Endlessly, She Said

Walked into our world and made
Horrible sounds.
I can still hear them today
[Bleakly they sing]
Beautiful now,
For they all passed my love.

Still each time I always meant,
Every word,
Every one.
Though in time they finally bent,
Every word,
Every one.

Every word.

"I will wait for you." She said,
Endlessly.
"I will wait for you." So spoke,
Misery.

I returned to you but found,
My empty home.
The radio told me to stay.
I sang alone.
Here will I pass, my love.

Still each time I always meant,
Every word,
Every one.
Though in time they finally bent,
Every word,
Every one.

Every word.

"I will wait for you." She said,
Endlessly.
"I will wait for you." So spoke,
Misery.

Oh.

I have been waiting for you,
Biting as you talk me through.
I have come to relieve you,
Of life and love.

I will wait for you.
I will wait for you.
I will wait for you.

I will wait.

I will wait.

"I will wait for you." She said,
Endlessly.
"I will wait for you." So spoke,
Misery.

"I will wait for you"
Wait for you,
Endlessly.

"I will wait for you."
So spoke.

So spoke,
Misery.

I will wait straight through.
As I wait for you
Dear,
Endlessly.

PS: Whoever wrote that shit about posting lyrics can lick me. I express myself way too much as it is, and these lyrics are to show you what I am listening to, not what I'm feeling. Ass!

Hmmm....

2006-06-05T17:21:00.000-06:00

If my company can't afford me, then maybe I'll apply here.

Click Me

I think it would be fun to do this again.

Back in Utah...

2006-06-02T02:45:00.000-06:00

So I have been thinking a lot the last few weeks about what to do with my life and I have decided that I need to move back to Utah. Tonight only confirmed it. I just signed a lease for an apartment and it will be until May next year. Just the perfect amount of time to get things in order and search for what I'm looking for. I came to the conclusion that I would move back and go to school full time, plus I will be able to see the people I love. But that's not the only thing... I have taken a step outside my bubble and looked at it from another light. Yes Utah is still Utah, but man I forgot how beautiful it is. Especially on warm summer nights like tonight. I could feel the air, and felt comfortable. In Colorado the air is the same, but the feeling isn't right. I got to see quite a few people that I haven't seen in a while, and it only made my connection more powerful. I miss the humid summer nights where I would roll the windows down and listen to music talking with a friend, I miss the feeling of having a crush on someone, or sharing something completely spiritual in a moment of silence with someone. The electricity of youth is in the air here, and I need to be a part of it. I have 365 days of vacation left. My lease is over one year from today, well, yesterday. I will have a lot of experience to go off of, and I will be ready for what ever God has in store for me. Some things just gel, and fit you. The youthful energy that is all over this place is for me. I want to be a part of it, and I want to affect it. As much as I like the big city of Denver it will just be a vacation place for me for the rest of my life. Maybe when I'm a rock star I'll buy a second home there, but I would rather have my home here. If I'm going to be independent, alone, or self sufficient then the UC is the place. I donno, maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and this feeling will be gone. I remember having cursed the hot summer days years ago, and how bland it all looks in the light of day, but at night this place becomes something else. That is why I always preferred sharing time with friends at night, and never much liked the daytime. Perhaps I see too much of it now that drive for work, and I'm not chained to a desk by a phone cable. I don't think I can explain to you what I feel and have any of you understand. But then again you really don't care, and will probably call me crazy or emotionally delusional. All I know is that for this moment I'm home.

Me and Bob

2006-05-30T14:27:00.000-06:00

So this weekend I went to a cabin for a few days. I'll tell you more about it later, but I had the awesome opportunity to go on a horseback ride. It was awesome, but what better way to find out that I'm allergic to horses. My eyes swelled shut, which was totally wicked. Plus my horse hated me, it had it's ears facing backwards the whole time. Our trail guide informed me that if the ears are like that it means the horse is irritated. His name was Bob, and he kept trying to slam me into trees and wouldn't obey me. He wasn't supposed to stop and eat the grass along the trail cause it was a national forest. Every time I tried to stop him he would get pissed off and look at me with an eye of "if I wouldn't be put down for it I would kill you". It was so much fun all in all.

Me and Bob

Christena, Miranda, Joseph, and Jeanne

On Monday we went to a Buddhist shrine in the mountains. It was a Stupa which is a burial shrine to remember and honor teachers in the Buddhist religion. This was the best part of the trip, being able to meditate in a religions place that wasn't my own. It was also cool to see the similarities of the symbols and meanings to my religion. I'll post some pictures of the Stupa later.

Wicked!

2006-05-20T17:15:00.001-06:00

I heard this song on the radio today and was totally impressed. It is sort of pop punk, but has some traces of Fall Out Boy and other stuff that I really liked.

Quietdrive - Rise From The Ashes

I felt this way before
I fell right through the floor
And I am certain I've become
Broken, bruised, and numb
Would you restate your opinion
And hold back your investigation
Do you see the sins you're making
Cause I've made them all before

I will now rise from the ashes
Don't call me pretentious
I'm sitting here making my own rules
And if I fall from the ceiling
You'll be down there waiting
And my only hope
Is falling down

And by my own admission
You'll find that my condition
Is worse than you imagined
You're better off if you know
But every time before that I
Tried to measure pain inside
You can't ignore it
Right now I can't ignore it

I will now rise from the ashes
Don't call me pretentious
I'm sitting here making my own rules
And if I fall from the ceiling
You'll be down there waiting
To finish me

Inside of me (x7)
I'll take my heart
And rip my feelings out
Before they make me doubt
And I'll fall down with flames burning
Alive again
As long as you know that

I will now rise from the ashes
Don't call me pretentious
I'm sitting here making my own rules
And if I fall from the ceiling
You'll be down there waiting
To finish me
Finish me

The lyrics seem really depressing but the song is so cool, and no I'm not depressed, so don't worry. I just rarely post and when I do it's usually weird. Sorry!

But Then Again...

2006-05-19T14:40:00.000-06:00

Why do I keep going back there?

I'm never coming back
I'm never giving in
I'll never be the shine in your spit
I disconnect the act
I disconnect the dots
I disconnect the me in me
And you're mistaken, It's you that's faking
Living and breathing and dying too
This message is for anyoine who dares to hear a fool
You can't bring me back, you can't bring me back
Cause I give it all back to you
Thru sacred alleys, the living wrecks
Wreak their havoc upon this world
The disenchanted, the romantics,
The body and face and soul of you is gone down that deep black hole
Destroy the mind-destroy the body-but you cannot destroy the heart
And you, you make me so I need to disconnect
And you make it so real
I don't need your love to disconnect
To runaround kids in get-go cars
With vaseline afterbirths and neon coughs
Galaxies full of nobodies
Giving us the farewell runarounds
I took a virgin mary axe to his sweet baby jane,
lost my innocence to a no good girl, scratch my
face with anvil hands, and coil my tongue around a bumblebee mouth
And I give it all back to you
No way, I don't need it, I don't need your love to disconnect
And you make it, so real, I don't need your love to disconnect
No way to disconnect
And you make it so real
I don't need your love to disconnect
No way to disconnect

If you know the song without googleing it you are awesome in my book, but I doubt anyone that reads this ever listened to this song or ever cared to.

So It's Gonna Happen...

2006-05-19T13:39:00.000-06:00

It should have happened 4 years ago, but I tend to drag my feet. I'm all grown up. I have my own apartment with my name on the lease. I will now have monthly bills that have my name on them. I will now pay for my own internet. 7MBps on an unshared bandwidth!!! It's all exciting, but I don't have anyone to celebrate with, except for my cyber friends. (I can't believe I just said 'cyber friends') I'll post some pictures then maybe it will feel like you have all been here. I tried to win the lottery today, and it didn't work, so I have to continue working for a living. That depresses me. But I do like my job, even though I'm a bit concerned about it. Dentrix is abandoning the IR program and my company now needs to find other sources of income. They told me not to worry, but lame, I do worry. I'll be there in a **week or so. I'll come see you.

**A week is in Kr5is' made up time frame and has no relevance to the actual time. He will actually be there in 2, but by saying 1 week it's easier for him to feel like something cool will happen between now and then.

New place

2006-05-16T18:10:00.000-06:00

So I got a new apartment. I move in tomorrow. I'll post some pictures so you can see it in it's glory, or emptyness or something. I'll throw a BBQ and invite all of you, but only make enough food for me, since nobody would be able to come. LAME!! I want my friends back.

Oh yeah, and I saw this...

2006-05-11T14:47:00.000-06:00

Click Here

Yes I did crap my pants...

So I was really bored last night...

2006-05-11T08:40:00.000-06:00

So I was really bored last night and I was trying to find something to do. And I did.

I recorded a song in my bedroom with a pair of Sony studio headphones as a microphone, and a really crappy set of Delta airline headphones as a reference. I don't have a mic anymore. I think it was permanently added to the guitar night collection back in Utah. So here is the song. I did a lot of cool tricks with the software I used to mix it all together. I warn you it is creepy to listen to, and the lyrics aren't about anything in particular. I took something from everything I'm feeling and put it in there. Just tell me what you think.

If you are having trouble playing the file you can download it here.

If you want a second listen please download it first.

Kr5is

The Micheal Jackson pic...

2006-05-10T09:56:00.000-06:00

Maybe I should have it printed and I'll hang it in my bathroom. That way when people go into my bathroom they will have something to laugh about. Then all my guests will wonder why people are laughing coming out of my bathroom. It will make for interesting moments. I should totally make my house be a WTF house. When people walk in they go, "What the F@*&!?" Then in each room they will get more and more confused then maybe by the time they leave they will be officially crazy. That would be fun.

Post with random pic...

2006-05-09T15:16:00.000-06:00

So I found a place to live. I'll know if my credit was approved sometime today I guess. It's awesome, and I'm excited to have my OWN apartment that I can decorate as I see fit. It's probably going to look a lot like Jenna's bedroom, but it will still be me. Here is a random pic.

Strange...

2006-05-04T22:00:00.000-06:00

Why can't I reach anyone? I have been trying for 4 days to talk with one of my friends from Utah, but I haven't been able to reach anyone for more than 3 minutes. I hate this. I'm just dissappointing everyone, and I'm being dissappointed in the process. I think I'll be moving to Idaho and alienate myself more. But for school at BYU, and being social with people sort of my age and unmarried. I'm not coming back to Utah though, as much as I miss it I can't go back there with my tail between my legs. Nobody that I want to be around would be available anyway. Everyone would be working or too busy to notice that I'm back. I can't believe I talked myself into this. I have ruined more things then I have fixed. Just ignore this, I'm complaining.

***

when deadbolts awake you from deja vu dreams,
at four in the morning you know where I'll be.
out running red lights asleep at the wheel.
the sirens feed my nightmares,

I just close my eyes and I'm already here;
its already too late.
I know its nothing but lies,
but they sound so sincere;
I find them too hard to hate.

and she calls from the doorway "stolen water is sweet,
so let's drink it in the darkness if you know what I mean"
and she calls from the doorway "stolen water is sweet,
so let's drink it in the darkness if you know what I mean"

and I'm almost sure
that I've been here before,
that this is not the first time I've stood in front of this door,
with an overwhelming feeling that I shouldn't go in,
but it seems this is a battle that I never could win.

and you! my true love! you call from the hilltop. you call through the streets, "Darling don't you know, the water is poison." and I say! "Come on and give me my poison."

what have I done? is it too late to save me from this place? from the depths of the grave? we all are those .. who thought we were brave. what have I done?

X96 Online...

2006-05-04T14:26:00.000-06:00

So I found a way to feel closer to home. I listen to X96 online when I'm at work, now if I could only develop a way to get streaming audio on my stereo in my car I can listen to X96 online all the time! I miss that station, and all it's cool antics. I really miss working there too. I'm sure if I had stayed I would have been let go just like my other friends were. Corporate downsizing is always awesome. I remember when Simmons Media (the owner) bought X96. There were talks of making it a country station, or some other format change. I would have died. Q99 left us and X96 was the only alternative representation in the state. I really like the mix of that station too. Alternative radio stations elsewhere are lame, they play songs that don't fit the format, and they play stuff that is way too old, and I mean 1973 old. X96 occasionally plays some Ramones stuff from back then, but not in regular rotation. While listening today I heard Tool, Smashing Pumpkins, and Our Lady Peace all in the same half hour. I love it. I'll stop crying for Utah now.

It's almost May...

2006-04-28T13:02:00.000-06:00

It's almost May, and it's not supposed to snow. I woke up this morning and had snow on my windshield... again. It was dreary enough at lunch today that I went to Starbucks and bout a Carmel Apple Cider, and ate bagels. I think that is the most metro I have ever been. I even setup my tablet on the Wi-Fi and sipped my "coffee" like a trendy emo kid. All I needed was a multi colored scarf , a retro sweater and thick rimmed glasses. I have the scruff on my face down, and the Gap jeans. My cousin Chris asked me if I was gay because I carry a bag with me that has everything I need everywhere I go. I'm comfortable with my "murse" as my brother called it (Sort of a bastardization of Man-Purse), and nobody can tell me it's stupid. I do however need to get my eyes checked. I'm sure I'll need glasses, maybe then can I finally fit the persona of a trendy coffee drinking metrosexual, with thick rimmed glasses.

More Pictures

2006-04-27T11:32:00.000-06:00

This post is mostly to show you where I work and what I work on all day. I really like my job, but I miss working with all the cool people at Dentrix. I don't miss the bullshit the company kept dealing to me though.

Here is the workshop. All the monitors on the ground are all in one computers that suck, but they are for a training we are having tomorrow.

This is the table I work on a lot. We have been ghosting images to all the computers for the training.

This room is usually full of surprises. New monitors, computers, gyro mouse and keyboards. Even ScanX I bet this is the most valuable room in the building.

This POS has plagued me since last Friday. This is a server that kept Blue Screening. After way too much time spent replacing the RAM trying to install windows, it still doesn't work. Dell finally is replacing it.

This makes me cry. This is the monitor involved in the Halo incident listed in my previous post. Ian actually uses it as his computer display and plays Halo from time to time. Man... I want one...

I have the shakes...

2006-04-27T10:15:00.000-06:00

So I haven't played Halo 2 online since the beginning of March. Normally I don't have an issue going without halo, but while I was at work yesterday my co-worker Ian was playing online on his plasma screen 60 inch TV. I about died. I need to find a TV and an Internet connection... oh, and 50 buck to pay for another years subscription. I'm gonna snap!!

Hell Yeah!

2006-04-24T21:25:00.000-06:00

First Goatse
My cousins Chris and Tiffany seing their first Goatse

So I Should Have Gone With My Gut On This One...

2006-04-24T15:37:00.000-06:00

On Friday I had an appointment in Colorado Springs, one of my favorite offices to go to, Dr. Bennett. I picked up Jenna at the airport and then went down to the office. It was supposed to be a format of the server. I got down there and ran the backups, but something was keeping me uneasy about formatting. They have a dental perio software that they use besides Dentrix which I'm familiar with. I couldn't verify that the software had been backed up properly, so the office manager and I agreed to wait. We did. On Monday I went back down to work on the issue again. The original issue was that the server occasionally gave the BSOD, and Dell won't exchange the new server until the OS had been reinstalled. So I finally got a backup of everything and tried to reinstall Windows. The usual stuff happened but the Windows installation wouldn't recognize the Mirror RAID. I had the drivers on a CD, but windows wasn't looking for a CD, it wanted a Floppy!! Well most computers don't have floppy drives anymore, just like the one I am working on. So off to Comp USA to buy a Floppy drive and some disks, then back to the office. I installed the floppy drive, and then created a driver disk for the RAID. The install was going beautiful, until... BSOD! It happened again. I thought it might have been because I did a quick format instead off a full format. So I did a full format, which took all of 3 seconds, which is way too short, and you guessed it BSOD. Before I had even began the Driver problem I thought that the RAID controller was the problem, and it was. I bypassed the RAID and ran a full format. This one took a while like it should, and Windows installed beautifully. I hate it when I'm right and still have to prove it to myself.

Hokay...

2006-04-22T12:40:00.000-06:00

I'm just going to write an update. I'm feeling good, but sedated. I keep thinking I am just working summer job and eventually I will be moving back to Utah, but that's not the truth is it? Well maybe it is, what If I just save as much money as I can then move back to Utah and go to school full time. I really need to do that, school. I don't think I could amount to much without that. I want to be able to provide, and I'm getting a very good picture painted for me about how much it costs to live and provide and own things. I want to buy a car, but that will cost me about 400 dollars a month. I want to have my own place and that will cost about 800 with the utilities and everything. Not to mention maintenance on my car, and keeping money for emergencies. Holy crap it's hard. I have debt right now that I need to pay off, so maybe it's a good thing that I couldn't get tickets for Tool today. I have a lot of things I am trying to improve about myself, I'm trying to figure out what women look for in a guy when they are deciding weather or not I could be a good husband. Jenna talked about communicating yesterday, I think I do that pretty well with a lot of people, except when I get emotional or upset. Then I begin to be irrational and start to whine, or not know how to communicate. Classic example is when I was in Utah two weeks ago, I can't seem to collect my thoughts about a few things right now. So in knowing that I communicate better when things are more stable, what sort of stability do I need, or what am I looking for. What sort of happiness can I get from life, and how should I view things, or approach the situations that may affect my life in order to find my happiness. Truth is I am depressed, and I haven't wanted to admit it. I know all you knew that and it is all over this blog, and all over my face. I haven't ever felt so out of body before, and I don't like it. I don't know what will help me, or what will soothe my heart, but I do know that if I got what I want I won't be happy. I'll just be sort of held off, patched up, but not fixed. I'm really trying to identify what it is though, just pray for me or something.

Look at what I got! Mmmmm

2006-04-19T13:32:00.000-06:00

Admit it you want me!

So I Sacrificed Myself For Science

2006-04-18T16:50:00.000-06:00

I took this pan on myself today, can anyone tell me what's wrong with it? I like challenging the minds of the enlightened.

Kr5is' Favorite Fark Headline of the Day

2006-04-18T10:15:00.000-06:00

Now I haven't read the story, but the thought just made me laugh.

Picture Post Time...

2006-04-17T16:37:00.000-06:00

I keep trying to incorporate images into my blog, it will make it more interesting in my opinion. If you would like to send me a pic to have me post it, just do it.

spaceboyx96@gmail.com

Here we go!

Denver the Mile High City
This is a shot from the top of Red Rock Amphitheater

Mile High Stadium

Actually it's named Invesco Field at Mile High, which is about as cool as a monkeys ass. They should have never changed the name.

This is a pic of Jenna that my nephew took when I visited Utah

This isn't Jenna, it's Giggles... the person she becomes when she has Chocolate Fondue at The Melting Pot

This is what's left after Chocolate Fondue at The Pot

For some reason (which is awesome) Jenna, Jeff, and Spin found in necessary to blindfold me as a surprise

Being led through the streets of SLC, I knew where we were because of the light rail train bells

Red Rock Amphitheater
I visited this former seventh wonder of the world on a slow day at work.

Creation Rock

Tool
I heard angels singing and babies crying when I saw this gem found at Red Rocks Amphitheater. It's an autographed guitar and drum head by the greatest prog-rock band since Rush

...Well that is all I have to post for now. I will try and keep posting pictures with my entries, but I'm sometimes too lazy to pull the camera out. PLEASE COMMENT, I want to know if you think any of this is interesting or lame.

Would any of you mind...

2006-04-14T09:46:00.000-06:00

Would any of you mind if I put a link to your blogs on mine? I had someone ask me at one time to remove their links, but I don't think it would be a problem now. If you don't want me to put it up there tell me, otherwise it will be there tomorrow.

Have you ever...

2006-04-14T09:23:00.000-06:00

Have you ever looked at someone and thought, "wow I feel sorry for that guy", or "I'll never be like that guy"? Well if you have then I'm going to ask you to stop, cause I'm that guy now. It has been my biggest fear to become the person who goes to movies alone, and eats at restaurants alone. Someone you look at and know that they are unhappy and that they will continue to be alone for quite sometime. I went to see a movie last night, all by myself, I was bored, and I felt stared at by everyone there. I imagined them all thinking "Look at the fat kid all by himself!" I try to look like I have friends or something, but it probably looks like I got stood up, or I'm a loser. I know I have friends, just not here. I need to go see a therapist or something, I'm having weird thoughts, like I have never had before. I can't afford it for 2 more months though, I won't have insurance till June or July. I should have researched this decision better, not that I think I wouldn't have made the same choice, but I think my expectations would have been different and I wouldn't feel so disappointed right now. I still feel like I walked away from something good, and I wont make you all hear it again, but I'm constantly missing out on things that always mattered to me back home. Funny how I remember when I first moved from Colorado to Utah I wouldn't call Utah home. I hated it there, my friends here seemed so much better than the new ones I made in Utah. I was wrong about that, but I knew I was wrong when I felt like that. So I try and think about what I know now. My friends in Colorado all turned out to be losers, or not real friends at all. The people I miss in Utah are real, and I don't want to trade them in for new ones, but I don't have a choice. I will always be friends with them, but on a level that is so different from what it should be. Rich and I have always said that we wanted to live in the same neighborhood and have our kids play together, Mike Pound was added to that list a while ago, when he said he would come back from California with his family so we can all be close. Then I left, and went the other direction, off where I always said I wanted to go back to, but as the years went by I felt that desire less and less. I am glad however to have a job change, Dentrix was killing me, and I was being limited which I needed an escape from. The job I have now is great and exactly what I need, but at what cost? The cost of the small amount of happiness I had, the cost of all my loved ones... the cost of my life? Believe me I am trying to be positive, but this is all you read or have to know how I am doing. If I had cool things to post about I would, but I don't. So right now it's just my emotions and thoughts, and you are all subject to the thrill ride that is my emotional life. Believe me I have wanted to get off for a long time.

I'm sorry everyone, let me tell you what is going on.

2006-04-13T08:58:00.000-06:00

Okay so, maybe I was just really depressed the last time I posted. I didn't mean for all of you to be offended or think that I was scolding you, I just don't have the ability to fight for what I want right now. I'm broken, and everyone can see it on my face, or they read my blog. All I have is my temp family right now, and I have always hated hanging out with family. Not that I don't love my family, but my friends were always the people I would die for first. I want to be with all of my friends. Some of them are planning on moving here eventually, I don't know if it will really happen, but we'll see. By that time though I wonder if they will remember me, or actually have time to be friends with a crying emo kid that judges his worth by his social accomplishments. Is that wrong or is it a sin to want to be loved by people. I don't get satisfaction from having friends either, I get the satisfaction when I can change the people I meet or have them think I'm cool enough to take on a few things that I like. I do that with everyone I meet at least I think I do. All of who I am is a series of stolen characteristics of one friend or another. I don't know what part of me is real. I hide my feeling to make it easier for my friends to feel comfortable, and when I do finally say what I want it usually back fires on me. I just want it to be easy, and I know it never will for me. Rich and Bryan my best friends since 6th grade have always had everything given to them or it fell in their laps. I had to work to have a girlfriend, or go the extra mile to have someone notice me. Why??? Am I that ugly or uninteresting? I have 10 times the talent and knowledge than both of them together yet I'm still the one that always has to work for it. I don't want to make friends in the ward here because that is church. I don't like having friends where the only thing in common is your religion. I'm an emotional 24 year old, music obsessed, transient. I have no place to call home, and nobody to cry with. Nobody to show new songs to, and nobody that won't think I'm strange when I start flailing my fingers around during my favorite parts of some songs. Nobody to drive around with and sing songs with. Nobody to call to come over for a Halo party, and nobody at work to have a 'took it too far contest' with. I miss you all, and I want you to know that. From right here this decision looks like the biggest mistake of my life, but I'm not giving up! I'm going to be stubborn and make it a good decision. I'm just going to have to work for it.

I know I said I wouldn't do this, but...

2006-04-11T09:52:00.000-06:00

I'm 99% done with this blog. I don't know why I keep trying to live in Utah and work in Colorado, and I refuse to do it anymore. I know you read it and you care, but what for? As much as I hate it I will probably never see most of you again. The rest of you will just fade away, which was clearly and decisively said to me this weekend. If I knew I was going to loose everyone this way I would never had made this move. I always said that I would move here after I got married and I'm sure I should have, but I jumped the gun like I always do. Now I'm left with the knowledge that my decisions again have led me to my demise. I shouldn't have to start over again, I have earned all my friends for 12 years, and now none of them are with me. I said it this weekend and I'll repeat it here, I can't fake it anymore, there are things I want and need. I can't go on without these things, so if my hopes and dreams will never be a reality then I will stop trying to wait for them or make them one. I will tell you my plan before I finish though. I am going to church actively, and hopefully soon I will be done with my probation that I was put on 4 years ago. I hope to get the priesthood soon and maybe one day finally convince someone I'm worth it.

Hmm..

2006-04-09T10:40:00.000-06:00

It's going to be another hard day... I don't want to go home yet. I know my friends work tomorrow, but I don't want to leave anyway. I don't have anyone of real worth in Colorado yet, and there is something wrong here and I can't put my finger on it. Something isn't the same. I'm having lunch with Christena today but I don't want to. I'm obligated to, I really just want to hang out with Jenna all day and all night then fly home tomorrow, but that can't happen. Next time I come out which will be for her birthday I'll take more time. It has been an awesome weekend though. Applebea's finally the other night, The Melting Pot last night, and I got to see the people I love. I don't know what else to say right now, so I'll stop before I make up some stuff that I don't really feel.

Flying to Utah

2006-04-06T12:29:00.000-06:00

So my flight is tomorrow and I'm nervous. I have always had a fear of heights, and flying. I like flying though. I went to Virginia 4 years ago and it was awesome. I had a blast but I was nervous. I requested the window seat too because I feel like I am in control when I can see where I am. If anyone has any advice to handle this phobia that I have, of if you want to make fun of me just comment on the blog, cause I judge my worth in life based on the number of comments I get. ;-)

Wednesday, 2 Days Left

2006-04-05T08:36:00.000-06:00

So I am flying back to Utah on Friday. I'm not sure really what awaits me there, except I get to hang out with Jenna. I'm sorry friend for what I am going to say, I hope I don't embarrass you. I miss her more and more every day. I thought that would sort of fade when I moved to Colorado, not the friendship, but the feelings, and the regrets, and the need to have my best friend around. While she really has been the best friend I ever had, it hasn't been easy pretending to be okay with our status. There is so much that has been said, and beat to death as far as that goes, but it still follows me around, laughing at all my hopes and dreams to be with anyone, not just her. God wont let me sit still about this, at least that is the impression I get, I can't be too sure if I am getting an answer or if my own mind is interfering with answers to my prayers. I have had God tell me one thing and another person something completely different, who is right? Am I so unrighteous that I'm leading myself away from my answers, or am I getting them clear as a bell. Either way I'm stuck holding my heart because nobody wants to keep it, and I keep giving it to the wrong person. I know it will turn around eventually, and I'm not complaining because that would be stupid. I live in Colorado now, and every emotional investment I have with Jenna or anyone else is 600 miles away. Which is an impassable wall when it comes to that sort of thing, and why am I always wishing or hoping?

Oh Cool, A Visual-Aid!

2006-03-30T15:29:00.000-07:00

Today was sort of a long one at work. I didn't get much sleep last night since cody got in. I met a few more people last night, and yes one was a girl. I didn't get her number this time, but I will be seeing her a lot this weekend. I finally got to bed at 2:30 then got up at 7 to get to work at 8. I got to work and found that I had to drive to Boulder again, and I was already running late. Boulder is cool. Colorado University is there, and it is a real neat town, but it is under a lot of construction now, which makes it tough to get through town. Especially when you aren't familiar with it. I had two appointments, the first one was the usual stuff, "My mouse doesn't work" or "Does my printer have to be on to print?" I laughed when I got in my truck. The second office is one I have already visited, but they are still a pain. They have an IT guy that locked us out of their server, but fortunately for my I am sneaky and know how to remote desktop to the server to a User that we managed to sneak in there. The guy is douche bag anyway, and really should leave that sort off stuff to people that understand Windows. I had to install a program that took 20 min on each machine. I was there for 3 hours. Good times. But no complaints, just usual stuff. Tomorrow I drive to Aspen at 6:00 AM. I have to be there at 10. For those of you who don't know where Aspen is or Denver for that matter here is a map!:

I stole this map from MapQuest which is cool, but I can't take the road that is highlighted. That would be a mountain pass and it is closed till May. I have to go to Glenwood Springs which is covered by the I-70 sign that I highlighted in Yellow. So yeah, my Friday looks long too. But the weekend is around the corner. Whatev, I'm looking forward to some think time with me and Brand New, and Thrice, and Veda, and pretty much everyone on my iPod.

I almost feel sorry for what I'm gonna do.

2006-03-29T18:10:00.000-07:00

With one or two I get used to the room
We go slow when we first make our moves
By five or six bring you out to the car
Number nine with my head on the bar
And it's sad, but true
Out of cash and I.O.U's

I've got desperate desires and unadmirable plans
My tongue will taste of gin and malicious intent
Bring you back to the bar
Get you out of the cold
A sober, straight face gets you out of your clothes
And they're scared that we know
All the crimes they'll commit
Who they'll kiss before they get home

I will lie awake
Lie for fun and fake the way I hold you
Let you fall for every empty word I say

Barely conscious in the door where you stand
Your eyes are fighting sleep while your mouth makes its demands
You laugh at every word trying hard to be cute
I almost feel sorry for what I'm going to do
And your hair smells of smoke
Who will cast the first stone?
You can sin or spend the night all alone

Brass buttons on your coat hold the cold
In the shape of a heart that they cut out of stone
You're using all your looks that you've thrown from the start
If you let me have my way I swear I'll tear you apart
Cause it's all you can be
You're a drunk and you're scared
It's ladies night, all the girls drink for free

I will lie awake
And lie for fun and fake the way I hold you
Let you fall for every empty word I say

***

I don't think I'll explain this song right now. I don't think I have the energy or the desire to go over those feelings again. It really isn't a literal lyric for how I feel, but the tone puts me in a place where I feel a lot of hard emotions to deal with. I thought everything was okay until today. Something hit me hard, but whatever when I have the energy I promise to tell you. I have renewed a friendship that is really helping me a lot being here in Colorado. I met a few people the other night one being a female. I'm afraid though, I have a crush and I have only met her once. I got her number though which is more than I usually do. My friend Dave tells me I need to just be confident. I look back at the beginning of relationships I have had or almost had, and they all stemmed from my confidence. Let's get that back. And we'll see what happens. I have been playing the guitar a lot lately too. I am going to try and write an entire solo album. These songs will be 100% mine. We'll see how it turns out. My cousin Cody will be here tonight, I'm stoked to be able to spend some time with him. I'm flying back to Utah next weekend, to take care of a few things, and I think maybe cut some loose ends that are keeping me back. All for now.

Everybody knows, It sucks to grow up.

2006-03-25T09:38:00.000-07:00

So things are good. I don't know who really reads this on a regular basis, but I'm not going to hide anything anymore. This is for me and me alone. If my friends read it then great, they should know me better than a blog anyway. I don't say that because I want to share some new feelings or thoughts, but I hate it when I sit down to write and then try and consider the people who read this and might be embarrassed. I'm sorry if I do this to any of you in the future, but like I said. It's mine.

Mix the chemicals right dear,
Mix the chemicals right,
Yeah the margin of error is slight.
Mix the chemicals right dear
Mix the chemicals right,
Yeah you know that you could, Save my life.

There, Is a risk,
There's a risk when your dealing with love.
You could snap my neck.
Any speed you drive, Can be dangerous.

Mix the chemicals right dear,
Mix the chemicals right,
Yeah you know there's a fine line between.
Mix the chemicals right dear
Mix the chemicals right,
yeah you know what betrayal can mean.

When this frame fails me,
Will I trust you to carry me through?
I know there's no such thing, As safety.
But I know what a promise can do.
Will I trust you,
Will I trust you to carry me through?
I will trust you,
'Cause I know what a promise can do...

So since I last wrote a lot has gone on in my world. Krista's plane landed on Wednesday night. I picked her up from the airport and then we went to dinner at a place called Stalions. It was real good. On Thursday I worked a half day and then I spent the rest of the day dragging Krista around Colorado. We went to Castle Rock and to Highlands Ranch, we saw the movie 'V for Vendetta' which is freaking awesome! I was way impressed with it, very 1984 meets The Matrix, meets Nazi Germany. Awesome go see it! After that we went to The Melting Pot in Littleton, good times as always at the Pot. Krista burned the tips of her fingers on the fondue pot though, she's fine just felt dumb. We got home at about midnight that night. Yesterday I worked a half day, just two appointments. After I was off work I did the coolest thing ever. I went and saw a taping of 3 Wheel of Fortune shows in Denver. They will be aired on May 1st, 2nd, and 3rd. Check it out. You wont see me though, I don't recall a camera ever being on me. We then drove up to Boulder and met some of Krista's cousins there. They took us to a Sushi bar that was the best sushi I have ever had. If you come visit me we will be going! I had so much sushi that I was falling asleep trying to digest it all. Good times. Today seems to be exciting. Tiffany and her brother Adam and her sister Marla (all of who are my cousins) are coming up to chill with us. We're going to go see an exhibit at the museum called Body World. Click here to see what it is. I'm so excited, after that the night I have been looking forward to for 2 months now. I get to see Thrice, my favorite band... mmmm... I think I have developed an unhealthy love affair with them. The lyrics I posted earlier are from them, but I didn't post them because it's Thrice, I posted them because it fits the story for a few friendships I lost in the last weeks. I know that I am still friends with all of you, but... 600 miles is a long way away. I plan to come visit sometime soon, but sadly it's just a visit. I can't fake that it will be okay for some of us anymore. I miss every one of you dearly. I hope to see all of you soon. If you read this, please just comment, even if it's just a ":-)". I would like to know who reads this.

-Kr5is

Quick Update

2006-03-20T15:50:00.000-07:00

So everything is still moving along. Work is cool. I miss my friends a lot, more than I expected, but I think I'm getting by. It was a comfort to go to church and not feel like an alien. I met a few people, but I hate how limited people's interest is. They don't see beyond church attendance numbers. But whatev, I'll keep going, and doing what I need to. I think I'll set an appointment with my bishop. I need to get to know him. It snowed about 8 inches last night and I had to Colo Spgs (Colorado Springs) today. An office had a blade system setup. If you don't know what that is just know that they are retarded, don't cool properly, and burn up before you pay off the debt you occurred purchasing it. I'm about to get all geeky now so stay with me. The Blade system is where you have one central location where all your computers are. The server and the clients. The computers are modular and are on long boards that slide into the tower. You run a CAT5 to the different locations that you want the computer from that tower. Then an interface called a cube sits there where you plug in all the accessories printers, keyboard, monitor, etc. Well this office today had the cooling fan on the back of the tower stop. Most likely it has been that way for a week or so. The modules could not connect to the cubes anymore thus their computers were down. Fortunately they just purchased a whole bunch of new machines from us to have installed next week sometime. This will be one of my offices though, and it was nice to meet them. I managed to get at least one machine up and going so they can at least enter info for their patients. Krista flies in on Wednesday, and I bought the tickets for the concert today. I can't wait. Thrice, Deftones, Dredge and Story of the Year all in the same show. That is hot. I just might need some time to be alone now.

My Job Kicks Ass!

2006-03-16T13:45:00.000-07:00

So This will be the second time I typed this because the damned IE browser on my work computer F-ed up and deleted all I typed. Needless to say this will be shorter.

The move is over, sort of. I still don't have permanent housing. I have been looking online and as much as I can in the paper, but I'm just getting frustrated. I'm sure it will happen soon enough. I got here on Saturday morning at about 6 AM. I got to chill with Jenna all of Saturday and Sunday. It was nice to get to hang out with her for the last few days. On Saturday we went to my aunt Jodi's 40th birthday party. I got to see all my family from my mom's side. Plus my mom and sister were there for the party. They flew home on Sunday, and I'm glad I got to say goodbye. Sunday I went to the singles ward and had my records transferred from my old one. It was real intimidating to be there, and I don't think it will be easy to make friends there. But I will try anyway. Sunday night I spent a lot of time with Jason and Sarah, Jenna's sister and brother-in-law. They are so cool, and I had a blast. I said my goodbyes to Jenna which was my last of all of them. I am glad to have that over, it was hard to say to everyone, but it's done. I'm glad I made it home that night. You try and drive when your eyes are gushing like sink, and you can't breathe. I don't think I have ever cried so hard, but it was over before to long. I made a promise not to cry about it anymore, it would just get harder and harder to move on.

I started work on Monday, and I have had a blast. I can't believe it is Thursday already. They automatically trust me here, which is something I'm not used too. Especially after working for Dentrix. My boss, Tom, met with me and gave me a new Cell Phone, and Tablet PC, and offered me a Truck. Holy crap! That is awesome. He put me to work with another guy named Tom who has the same responsibilities that I do. We have been visiting about 3 offices a day. I found out that I don't ever have to pay for restorative dental as long as I work here. We trade work with an office in Denver. We fix service and provide Computers, and they provide us with Dental. I'll probably have a crown done on 2 of my teeth before too long. I'll have health insurance in 90 days, and I'm being treated really well. I love my job, and it is getting less and less intimidating as the days go by. I got to talk with Krista today, she is coming out to visit next Wednesday. Her birthday is Thrusday and we're gong to celebrate. I need a friend and it's good that see is coming out here, cause I think I need a hug. I still feel like I'm swimming in the deep end of the pool, and my feet can't touch the ground. I hope I can keep up and stay afloat. I'm starting to believe I can though.

And so it is...

2006-03-12T21:27:00.000-07:00

just like you said it would be.

So tonight I am saying goodbye to her. I don't know what to say or do, I have been trying not to think about it. I have been crying all weekend. I think I hid it from her pretty well, but I don't think I can tonight. This post is for you. I am going to miss you so much, and I know you will too. You have kept me together for so long, and you have been so supportive that I have no way to repay the debt. You notice when I'm not around. It has been my privilege to call you my best friend, and I really am sorry for all the shit I have dealt you. I want you to be happy, and more than anyone I have met you deserve it. I really hope we can remain close, but I don't know anyone that does in our situation. My fear is to not be a part of your life when we are old and falling apart. I hope our spouses understand our connection and allow us to be friends. You are something special friend. I love you.

Kr5is

So this is it...

2006-03-10T01:01:00.000-07:00

Here we are. 14 months after starting this blog, and tonight is a night to remember. It's the last one in Utah. I have spent most of the day packing. I took some time to have lunch with my brother and his family. I took a lot of pictures of his kids. They are so cool! Then I got to go have Sushi with Arielle, I haven't seen her in a very long time. It was so good to see her, I can't even begin to tell you how nice that was. She stopped returning phone calls in October. I saw her as I was leaving the Thrice concert in Salt Lake, but I was too drunk to talk. I thought she stopped talking to me because of that, but I was wrong. There was a lot going on. She is due to have a baby in a few months, May to be exact. She understandably went into a cave and seldom surfaced. Her phone was disconnected after a while, and I thought she was dead. I found out I was wrong when I ran into her at a restaurant where we were both going to celebrate our birthdays that night. A month later and I'm heading to Denver, and I got to see her. I adore her, and hope the best for her. I tried to pack some more, but no luck, I couldn't sit still.

I was going to go out with Christena tonight, and we did, but it was hard to imagine what was going to happen. She flat out asked me to marry her on Friday of last week. I was very flattered, but I can't marry her. She doesn't want to be a Mormon. A few years a go that wouldn't have mattered to me, but now it does. I don't say that because I don't think she is worthy of me, that is dead last in all reasons, but I say that because I don't want it to be harder than it already is to go to church and follow what I know is right. I can't step into a role where I play God's advocate to her, while she constantly fights. I know that it would be that way. All that aside, I felt like a dick for not treating her question with the right response. I said it would be fun and that we would have to see. Now in my experience with women I thought that would be a good response, but NOOOOOOOO! I was dead wrong, and I hurt her more that I think she tells me. I mean I'm moving to Denver, I'm a mess as far as my emotions go, and my feelings are a lot stronger for someone else. Not that she knows that last part, but still. I can't think about what could, or what if or anything now. I'm turning my back on my world tomorrow morning and I am waving goodbye. What did she expect? We managed to talk it over and I apologized for my lack of attention, and I asked her if we could see where we are in a year. I hope she softens up, and makes some different choices. That is a lot about her, and I will have to write more later, there are other things I want to cover.

I was going through some boxes of things that were still packed from the last time I moved. I found a broken shoe box full of pictures that I decided to go through. (I have OCD when it comes to moving and everything has to be labeled so I can find it later) Looking through the pictures transported me to each moment where they were taken. I saw my birthday party at the SCERA that Sarah threw for me. All the smells and energy from that night was there. Homecoming my Junior year, and how bad I looked wearing a Bugs Bunny tie, with corduroy slacks on. Going to Prom with Christena, and then the next year with Krista. Homecoming with Sarah, Ali was all dressed up, and Amber looked awesome, not to mention my date. That was an awesome night too. I found a lot of pictures of my crew at the SCERA. Talus and Steve when they tore down the old paint shed, and back when I had a hat that said BONG on it. I found pictures of when my band first played. I had beached blonde hair, which was really stupid looking, but it was still me. I have a lot to remember and be grateful for. If you are reading this then you have impacted my life in one way or another, and in return I hope I have impacted you. Anything else would be pointless. I love you, whoever you are. And I will see you soon.

-Kr5is
"The 5 is sil5ent"

I'm gonna be on the Radio

2006-03-08T17:22:00.000-07:00

So as sort of a last chance to do this thing I will be broadcasting on the radio tonight on KOHS 91.7. I used to be the music director there, and decided to do a broadcast before I go to Colorado.

If you missed me on the radio before take a listen to me now.

Time to write...

2006-03-06T14:42:00.000-07:00

Lets see a lot has happened since I last gave you something to read. I saw West Side Story two weeks ago and my friend Melissa was in it. I adore that girl, she has always had a hug and a smile ready every time I see her. If you know me at all you may know that West Side is my favorite musical of all time. I don't know why but I tend to admire and love the things that can rip your heart out. All of my favorite movies are ones that make you feel so sorry for the characters involved, Shawshank Redemption, Braveheart, American Beauty, I love all these titles, and even musicals. West Side Story, Les Miserables and Children of Eden are from what I remember the only musicals that ever made me cry. Wait Phantom did too, but they are mostly tragedies. Either way this version of West Side Story was no different. The second act is so powerful and meaningful, it will bring me to tears every time I see it. After the show Melissa invited me to a party at her house the next night, which I was so excited to go to. I went over there and got to see and take some pictures of a lot of people I miss already. Melissa Thorne, Melissa Lindsay, Sarah, and Amanda. It was so awesome to see them and get to sort of say goodbye. I don't think they know but the two Melissas have always been an inspiration to me, and helped me find a good balance between living in the world and living of the world. I also got to go have dinner and talk with my second dad Dave Whitlock, that was something I will always remember. I don't remember much else about that weekend accept for a drive Jenna and I took. We went up by the Sundance resort and talked about the church and my relationship with God. I was being belligerent. (sorry) But she was right, as she usually always is. I took Monday off work, and did nothing. It was cool. My last day wasn't hard for me, I had an exit interview and gave them my thoughts on how poorly support is being dealt with. Then it was over. I cleaned out my desk, made some copies of the DTX software... Shhhh... and left. This has sort of turned in to an order of events post, but it's not that at all. I didn't do anything the rest of the week really. I went Scuba Diving on Friday and Saturday this last weekend, and I am now certified as a Scuba Diver. Hells yes! Saturday night Jenna and her roommate were gracious enough to let a lot of people come over for a party I was throwing. Jenna and I spent 110 dollars total on the party but it was well worth it. Everyone came, and it was a better opportunity to say "until next time" to a lot of people. My hero Cody was in town, he's my cousin as well as a hero, I loved talking with him and all his friends. Roberto helped me cook, Brandon and his daughter Serenity came. All walks of life all who have influenced me in one way or another were all in the same room. Those are the events, now here are the feeling behind them. I have never had a better friend than Jenna, yeah I get frustrated at her at times, but it has nothing to do with our friendship, it's me being a stupid male. She has done so much for me as a friend, these things have only began materializing into view for me to see. I will miss her the most. I look forward to seeing her in May or April when her mom goes to Denver. Christena, now that is a whole set of weird mixed and hard emotions for me to understand. I love that girl so much, but I can't be with her. 8 years of friendship, love, and trust isn't enough to go off of. She isn't the one I really want to be with, even though I think it sometimes. I really wish she would find her roots in faith again. I want to be a Mormon, and she doesn't. She says that may change in time, but I can't trade my salvation for a maybe. She would kill me if I said that to her, so I don't. I hope I'm not stringing her along, but in the end I think I am. I need to tell her. She is coming to Denver in April to see me. Should I wait till then? No, that would be rude, and selfish or cowardly. I know there are a lot of things to look forward to in the years to come, but I can't see them. I really try and see past the brick wall that will hit me when I put Jenna on the airplane one week from today.... and say goodbye. I know there is so much I can still do here, but will it limit my potential elsewhere. I don't know what to do, or who to ask for a shoulder to cry on, and hold me for a few min. I have to remain positive though. Thanks for reading my life. Tell me do you want to hear this?

I'm sorry...

2006-02-24T09:24:00.000-07:00

I can't listen to these songs anymore, it goes straight through me and puts a needle in my heart. It's so painful to say goodbye, I didn't think it was going to be this hard. I love so much, so much bigger than my heart can take. I'm breaking. I cried today, I had to go to the bathroom to hide it. Wow that statement promotes masculinity. But serious, I set my iPod to random, and everything that played hurt, or had a draining affect on me. Sigur Ros - Untitled 6, Taking Back Sunday - New American Classic, Ben Folds - The Luckiest, Smashing Pumpkins - Drown, Our Lady Peace - 4AM. I can't escape even if I leave. Everything will follow me, and I'll still be haunted by the scars in on my heart, and new ones keep forming everyday. Is that all I am, a faint memory or a set of misplaced feelings? What would you think of me now, so lucky, so strong, so proud? I have always thought that was a confident line, but now I know it's sarcasm. I'm not even me.

whine

2006-02-23T16:08:00.000-07:00

There are things that I want to just do lately that will confuse people. I want to tell my boss that I quit tomorrow, so I don't snap. I'm trying to schedule a trip for Krista to come out the Denver to visit. She is going to come out for her birthday, and go see Thrice with me. She is real excited. I'm nervous cause I want to have an apartment by then, but with no paycheck until the 24th I don't know if I'll have a place ready. I don't know if I can get a place because of my horrible credit history. I don't want to get out there and not be able to live anywhere because of it. I feel further and further away every day from the family of friends that I placed around me. I'm guessing that is why my dad always made it a big deal that I put my family first. I have never felt good with my family though, and I have always felt better with my friends. But now I won't have anyone to be the family I always had. Plus I won't have my family there for help. I don't think I can do it, I don't want to live in a dive either. A dive in Colorado is the ghetto. I hope when I get out there I can find a place where my credit will not get in the way, and I'm not afraid of my neighbors. I want to buy a car too, and I know I can afford it, but nobody will trust me. I'm already embarrassed enough that a good friend and I couldn't get a place because of me. What am I to do? I also want just one person to ask me to stay, nobody has, which makes me think they want me to be out of their lives. I'm not going to stay, but I just need to be needed. Whatever, I'm done.

I Light The Fires

2006-02-23T15:22:00.000-07:00

I see a halo in the rain around the street light
I stop and look, and listen to the sound
As the raindrops penetrate the silence all around
Alone, I gaze into the glistening street
The distant thunder echoing my heartbeat
Urging me on to a secret goal
Away from the light from this lamp on a pole
So I turn, slip away into the rain
Drifting like a spirit through the shadows in the lane
Clutching the tools of my trade in my hand
An old box of matches and a gasoline can
Darkness envelopes the scene like a shroud
A veil of emptiness hangs from the clouds
Filling up the cracks in this desolate place
Cradled by the night in an icy embrace

Moving to the town like a ghost in the rain
A dim reflection in a dark window pane
Blackness beckons from every side
Creeping all around like an incoming tide
A broken window in an empty house
I slip inside and begin to douse
The whole place with the fuel that will feed the fire
And push back the night, taking me higher
On out of the darkness in a defeaning roar
The match in my hand is the key to the door
A simple turn of the wrist will suffice
To open a passage to paradise
I pause, I think about the past and the gloom
The smell of gasoline permiates the room
Everyone has a little secret he keeps
I light the fires while the city sleeps

The match makes a graceful auk to the floor
And time stands still as I turn for the door
Which expoldes in a fireball and throws me to the street
I hit the ground running with the flames at my feet
Reaching for the night which encoils in the fire
The raindrops hiss like a devilish choir
Dying in the flames with a terrible sound
Calling all the names of the sleepers all around
But then in the arms of the night, they lay
Their dreams sprout wings and fly away
Out of the houses in a gathering flock
Swarming overhead as I hurry down the block
I make my escape with the greatest of ease
And savor the darkness, drop to my knees
And the lightless window, my hand on the latch
I reach in my pocket, and pull out a match

Stand and Feel Your Worth

2006-02-22T15:20:00.000-07:00

Wake, stand and feel your worth, O my soul.
Kneel and know the word that can save us all.

We are fuel and fire both.
We are water.
Wed with wine and ghost.

We are wrought with breath and dirt, washed in second sight.
Woven through the earth, wreathed in rings of light.

Stand and feel your worth, O my soul.
Kneel and know the word, come to die.

We will wield a second birth, whet our wits and knives.
Wrap our knees in earth, wrap ourselves in light.

Wake, we will weigh and drink this cup.
We will burn, but we will not burn up.

Wake, feel your worth, O my soul.
Speak the word, the word that can save us all.
Awed by grace, I fall on my face.
And scream the word that can save us all.