Kr5istofer's Thoughts

How do I start to describe how I have been feeling lately. I have been working a lot and stressing out about work and life as usual. It has definitely been effecting me. I had a car accident a few weeks ago where I was rear ended while waiting at a stop light. No real injury to myself, but From that day on I have been going on a downward spiral as far as I have been feeling. I haven't had a natural high since January, and I don't expect to have one any time soon. I though I might have one last night, but that was quickly proven to be a false hope. I'll tell you about that later. After my accident there have been things coming up left and right that challenge my beliefs and security. The day after the accident my tire blew on the freeway in downtown Denver. That sucked trying to find a place that was safe to change a tire there. Fortunately the truck I was driving had a spare tire and I was able to change it out no problem. However if left me feeling like life had it out for me. That weekend I flew to Utah, now I know that these sort of things happen in groups of threes. I was waiting for my plane to crash, which it obviously didn't but when tried to fly back to Colorado I had to wait till the morning because my flight was over sold, and it caused James to be late. I felt horrible about it. I know I pissed off my boss even though he wouldn't tell me. I had to play catch up at work. I have felt for a long time that I have been slacking at work, which I hate. I really want to just change, but I can't. It is so hard to wake up in the morning sometimes. I don't feel rested, and I don't feel like I can do anything that day that will improve my situation or how I feel. So I just go from office to office, pressing the Caps Lock button so their passwords work and then try and feel like I'm valuable in what I do. I don't get any satisfaction from my job. I don't really feel like anything I do at the offices really helps them or my company in any way. The all seem to be happy but I don't see the end result. I need to be able to look at what I accomplished and take pride in it. That is something you just can't do being a consultant. Since I don't get any satisfaction from work then I try and get it somewhere else. I have been going to church regularly and I love the feeling I get, but the more I talk with people about what is taught the more I get upset. I don't like having to be a member of a club in order to be a cool kid. To me being a member of a church is just like that. Especially when that church teaches that others can't have the highest level of salvation unless they join. That is just crap to me. But that is another tangent all together. So in my frustration with religion I look for support from friends, which are awesome and I have some of the greatest friends in the world, but I don't really want a friend, I want a companion, and the more and more I make better friends the more and more I realize that all I will ever be is a friend to anyone. I don't have the social skill and traits to be anything more then a shoulder to cry on for anybody. I have nothing else to offer. I can't stand being in the good friend situation any longer, and I'm tired of my friends avoiding answering questions that I ask. I need to know the truth, and I don't want any more sugar coating, I want to know the stuff that hurts.. I don't want to make friends anymore because that is all I will ever have. Okay that tangent is over too...
I went to a club in Denver last night called the Shelter, it was cool there was a lot of music in each of the rooms and we mostly just chilled and talked in a private room and drank Red Bull. I thought I caught a glimpse of something in a friend, but I was over hopeful in my line of thinking. I can't hope for more then I have can I? I ended up being an ear and a shoulder, which I'm always happy to be, but I'm starting be really tired of being dependable and not being able to expect the same back. Today I slept in till 2 and then watched Garden State. I tried to think of someone I could call and go talk to and cry with, but I couldn't think of anyone that could devote the sort of attention I need. I'm not capable of not feeling things, and I can't shut off how I fell about some people in my life, but It's like they expect me to do that. I can't hide it anymore. I just want an opportunity to fell that way again. I want it to be okay instead of a bad thing. I want to know that what I feel is normal. I want to know that it's possible to have someone feel for me. I don't want to go on without anymore, and I don't want to hear any more complaints from people that cry on my shoulder when what they hope for is the person they are crying on. That seems rude and ignorant and I don't mean for it to sound that way. I love listening and helping my friends, and I always will do it, I'm just frustrated. Please don't stop coming to me.