Kr5istofer's Thoughts

So my bishop told me he is waiting for me to say I'm ready, and he will arrange to be reinstated. This is cool to me. I had a good meeting with him yesterday, I was very tired and I felt a little bad that I was not so focused, but he told me he can feel it. I think in a month I will agree with him. When I get back from Colorado I will arrange the council. He talked about frame of mind, and how if we are doing our best to keep our minds pure that is all we need. So I'll be good spiritually in a month. This weekend was a little different. Jenna and I hung out on Friday, which was so cool, and it did a lot for me. Saturday I moved home and got settled. I took my brother Tyler and my sisters to Letherbea's after the move. It was cool to chill with them. On Sunday I went to play Settlers again with Jenna, Baker, Shauna, and Merrill. I had a blast. Which sort of leads me to what I want to talk about. I have not been myself about a certain situation, and I want to fix it. Merrill has been introduced into my circle of friends, and he has been since April. He has been friends with my friends for a while, but only recently did he become a 'member' of the circle. At first I was real skeptical about him and who he is. He seemed to be someone that I usually avoided being friends with. You know the kind, Rich, hansom, arrogant and vain. I have come to realize that I was wrong, but I wouldn't let myself like him... for other reasons... Jealousy. No longer did I feel important because my friends were always hanging out with them, while I dragged my feet, and then I was no longer invited to go with them, because I dragged my feet. That wasn't too bad because they always went dancing and I really suck at that, and would probably have come up with an excuse to save me the embarrassment. I as also jealous because he had the attention of someone that I wanted to pay attention to me. I acted like a 2 year old. My crush had a crush on someone else, and he was it. Not to mention I didn't feel like he or I deserved her in that respect, he didn't treat her well, and in some ways still doesn't. I was used to being last choice, but I never had to deal with it in this sort of situation. None of my past crushes have ever kept me around while the other guy was around, or wanted so desperately for us to get along. I have to be honest and say it was one of the hardest things I ever had to deal with. When that happens I compare myself to the other person and look for reasons why I wasn't the one she had feelings for. I would come up with my own reasons, I'm too fat or I'm not attractive. She told me it was because we were friends, but I never accepted that as the only reason. I didn't really have a desire to be with her at that time anyway. I value our friendship so much more, but the case still remained that I wanted to be friends with both of them, but it in a small way hurt. I kept being belligerent and stupid about the situation saying I didn't like him. She at one point mentioned to me in an argument that I didn't like him because he had and was what I wanted to be or have in my life. She was right and I hated it, she kept apologizing about saying it, but it didn't hurt, it was the truth. I created a lot of stress between me and my friend. I think I even could have lost her over this situation with the way I was acting. I had to step back and look at the reasons as to why I was acting so childish. I had been treating the person who (besides my family) has loved me the most, like crap. At that point I think I got better, but I still harbored some personal grudges against Merrill. I knew these feelings were dumb, and I knew I was the one at fault. Things died down for a while. Really till last night, when I got stupid again. I really respect Merrill as a friend, and a person. I may not like what he does with his relationships, but that is not my place. I called him 'gay' in front of Jenna and Shauna, both of whom respect and like him. I felt bad. I tried to apologize in the best way, but It didn't make me feel any better. Then Merrill pulled me aside. He told me that I'm a part of the group and that I need to come to his brother's bachelor party. I was happy to be thought of this way, and I was thrilled to know that he did think I was a friend. I don't know if he knows about my mistrust or hard feelings. I felt very horrible and I know I acted extremely poorly. I was not myself and I'm sorry. I think I realized this problem in time, and I will be able to start over. So that is probably the source of most of my sad times lately. I finally had the courage to post about it.