Kr5istofer's Thoughts

It’s 3am on Christmas morning, and I can’t sleep. I don’t know why I have the sudden urge to write this, but none the less here I am. Let me start from where I think my thought process has begun. I just spent Christmas Eve with my family. Now the Harrison tradition is a little messed up, but I like it. We got it from my mom’s side of the family, they know how to celebrate. On Christmas Eve we all get together and have a dinner. In recent years it has been Clam Chowder in sourdough bread bowls. It’s really good. After that we go and read some scriptures, usually having to do with the meaning of Christmas then we open our gifts under the Christmas tree. It was good to be with my family, especially my grandparents who recently returned from their mission. Tonight it went later than usual because Aubrey my sister had to work till 9, so we tried to postpone the gifts till then. My littlest sister and my nephews had a hard time with that.

I went to bed around 11:00, and I haven’t been able to sleep. When I try to sleep my mind wonders around in places it hasn’t been in a long time. I found myself wondering where I was last Christmas, after all, I’m almost 24, and I am currently renting a room from my mom and dad. As I recall last Christmas I was here too, only not living here. I stayed the night last year, probably some sick way to hold on to my childhood memories of Christmas. I also found myself remembering the people I have been around for the last year. I remember that this time last year was the time I realized that I had a crush on my best friend, and soon after that I had a birthday that I had the privilege of sharing with one of the most caring an unconditional friends I have ever had. Not long after that I escorted another friend to his wedding, and then it hit me. I made a promise, a promise that now I can’t possibly keep. Actually I found out last year that I couldn’t keep it unless I was engaged. I promised Rich that I would go to the temple and support him when he and his wife Rochelle get sealed. My bishop only a few months ago told me I have to be 25 or engaged to go to the temple. (lame) Even if there wasn’t a limitation on me I don’t think I would have been ready, again! My heart has been tormented by too many questions about, who I am and who I am supposed to be. I try and pray but I don’t really feel it like I used to. I get a swarm of answers and I try to make since of them, but I think I end up putting my own twist on things.

I also looked back at this last year and pinpointed ever spot where something I loved or could have loved was taken from me. I know these places, and I won’t bore you with them here, but you may ask me in confidence if you like. As I realized these things were being taken from me I could see the reason why. My friend told me all along that God needed to break me first. I didn’t believe her much, I know now. But I think it started way before she told me. It started in 2003, where I was plucked out a relationship because I was too selfish to turn to him. So I turned to some of my friends, who are good, awesome, and beautiful people. But just because they are good doesn’t mean they are the best influence on me. I would fail at a lot of things that I tried. I moved in with some awesome guys and lived in this awesome house way up on the hill, but for some reason I felt some tension there. I must have created it in my mind, but I was sure they were pissed off at me. (I don’t think that now) I left the house to go live with Rich and Mike, while I had an awesome time with them I still with I stayed with the other guys. I got into another VERY BAD relationship, not bad enough to kill me but unhealthy. I was destroying my spiritually in that relationship, and I fought for the sin, but in the end it was taken from me too. (That has since proven to be a good thing) That takes me to December of last year. That is when I really came close to the truest friend I ever had. I think we sort of encouraged each other spiritually, and I hope I’m not to bold in saying that. She got back on track, but I fought it. Things were good, I had a band that played awesome shows frequently, I had awesome roommates that I know loved me as much as I loved them back. But that was taken from me too, they all got married or moved away. My friend and I started to argue, and I blamed everyone else for what was happening, even God. My friend kept telling me that I needed to just put faith there and I will find my happiness, but I was stubborn. I ignored her, and because of that I think she got tired of trying to help if I was going to ignore what she knows to work. I was losing her too. That brings me to this last Wednesday. I finished rehearsal with Steve and the new guys we’re gonna play music with, and I was sick. I was shaking; cold and I could hardly stand. The next morning I could not breathe, so I had to take the day off work. The same thing the next day only worse. My doctor said that it must be an allergy, she was wrong, but oh well, I’ll rant about that later. I finally dropped my pride and asked my little brother to come over and give me a blessing with my father. I have never asked my brother to do this for me because I was too proud, and jealous. It helped though, to remember what I do believe, and to re-spark what I want to eventually be. It also helped me get into the mind frame of where I need to be. So here is my new years resolution. I’m going to become a complete person according to my beliefs. I want to feel like I have a good standing with God, and I want to participate in benefits of being a Mormon. I only hope that I can repair what I have done to myself and my relations. I hope it is not to late to receive the blessings that were set aside for me, but I passed up. I hope…

You were right about me...