Kr5istofer's Thoughts

I have loved this song since the end of Junior High School. I never really listened to the lyrics till I was in high school though. This is a seriously cool and powerful song, and every time I break up with someone I usually have to listen to this song a few times. It seems to nail everything all the girls said to me when we broke up. Is love for fools who fall behind?

***

She calls me from the cold.
Just when I was low, feeling short of stable.
And all that she intends.
And all she keeps inside, isn't on the label.
She says she's ashamed.
And can she take me for awhile.
And cannot be a friend, we'll forget the past.
But maybe I'm not able.
And I break at the bend.
We're here and now, but will we ever be again.
'Cause I have found
All that shimmers in this world is sure to fade
Away again.
She dreams a champagne dream.
Strawberry surprise, pink linen and white paper
Lavender and cream.
Fields of butterflies, reality escapes her.
She says that love is for fools who fall behind.
And I'm somewhere in between.
I never really know,
A killer from a savior.
'Til I break at the bend
It's too far away for me to hold
It's too far away...
Guess I'll let it go.

You could have been all I wanted
But you weren't honest
Now get in the ground
You choked off the short list of favors
But if you really loved me
You would have endured my will

Well if you're just, as I presumed
A whore in sheep's clothing
Fucking up all i do

The end, if so here we stop,
Then never again will you see
This in your life

Hang on to the glory at my right hand
Here lay to rest is a love ever long
With truth on the shores of confession
You seem to take privilege to all of these souls.

You stormed off to scar the armada
Like Jesus played letter
I'll drill through your hands
The stone for the curse you have blamed me

With love and devotion I'll die as you sleep
But if you could just write me out
To never mis-wonder her happy will I become
Be true that this is no option
So with it condemn you demon raiding in love.

Hang on to the glory at my right hand
Here lay to rest is a love ever long
With truth on the shores of confession
You seem to take privilege to all of these souls.

One last kiss for you
One more wish to you
Please make up your mind girl
I'd do anything for you

One last kiss for you
One more wish to you
Please make up your mind girl
Before I hope you die

I had an overall great weekend! Let me tell you from the top. On Friday at work I was able to sit with my friends on another desk. It was very nice and helpful to be able to do that, I felt like part of the department. I had sat alone all week on my side of the wall while Ryan was in the hospital, and Luke took a week off. After work I went to dinner with Jeff and Jenna at Los Hermonos, where I ran into Bryan and Katie. It was cool to see them, not to mention spend time with Jeff. I then went to Rich's house and installed Windows XP for him. His new compy is so cool! Afterwards Christena called me, and invited me over to her apartment. I went over and listened to her complain about her guy problems. We went to Coldstone and I bought her some Ice Cream in hopes to make her feel better. She then said, "why did I ever let you go?" I didn't respond. It was hard enough to push away the old feelings. I tried to keep it platonic. I succeeded. We went back to her place and talked some more. She asked me why I'm still Mormon, which sort of caught me off guard. I told her the truth. While I still have a lot of questions about the validity of my faith this is the only church on the face of the earth that has all the factors that I believe. Jesus Christ, Eternal Life, and Modern Revelation. I think I even said, "it's got the best retirement plan." We laughed about it and then it was over. I wish she could see what and who she is. She is the reason I didn't leave the church in high school, and she taught me so much about it. She then propositioned me, which was awkward, I played dumb and somehow avoided answering which would have offended her. She then said something about living in a BYU approved complex. I was proud of myself for not being so tempted that I could leave. She then kissed me and I left, while it was now 11:30 my Friday night was not over yet! I went to meet up with Jenna, Danielle, Baker and Shawna. They were finishing watching Oscar and then we put some Ideas in a bowl and we drew them out to see what we could do. First we picked Danielle's idea. We went and bought some bubble gum. We had to put the whole pack in our mouths and try and chew it the longest. Cool! So then we went to a park and played hopping tag on a playground. That was a lot of fun. After that we went up the canyon and set off some fireworks till the cops came, they told me that they didn't want a fire. We stopped and went to find a swimming pool to jump into, but no luck. That was a cool Friday! Saturday was cool. I went to the recording studio and recorded more of my album. I did some of my Scream tracks. That hurt! Then the computer locked up and we had to do them again. So twice I ruined my voice. We began messing around with some filters and effects in pro tools to get the drums to sound good. It's going to be awesome! After that I went up the canyon with Jeff, Jenna, and Danielle. We went to our friends Condo up in Midway. This time was more relaxing than anything. We watched Spanglish, which I had a hard time with. Mostly because I could see the characters and their personalities in my life. I hated watching the mother in that movie. She was a combination of two people that I know, and she was all the qualities I dislike in those people. I didn't like how the movie ended too. It made me feel helpless to be happy because I sort of put myself in the shoes of the father in that movie. I don't argue or speak my mind in hopes that it would be better for everyone if I just try and make everyone else happy. He didn't end up happy, nor will he ever. Is this me? So I left the condo and went home full of thought. I needed to go to church the next morning, which I didn't. I couldn't bring myself to go and be spiritual. I needed to clear my head. So I went golfing with Scott from work. I sucked, but it was my first time actually golfing. It was nice to get out and so something like that. I got way to over heated though, and I didn't feel good the rest of the day. I went home and slept till Jenna called me to go play settlers with Baker and Shawna. I had a blast with them, and so my weekend came to a good end. This was one of my better weekends of all time.

Nothing...

I'm reading Harry Potter right now, and someone has already spoiled the ending for me. I'm not too pissed off about that. I still enjoy reading the book. I have about 9 more chapters to go. The recording has pretty much halted. Rex the guy who is engineering our CD is busy with work, and it is hard to find time for us all to get together. While it has halted what we have done so far sounds brilliant! I can't wait for it to be done. I had an odd experience last night. I went to buy a new CD, and I couldn't find one worth buying to me. So I bought some movies. I think I'm content with what I have now. Our Lady Peace will have a new album out soon, and I plan on getting it, but I think that modern music isn't pleasing to me anymore. My friend Lee called me the other day and said, "if you don't do something with your music, I will kick you ass. You're shit is too good to go unnoticed." That felt good, maybe I could be on the next wave of popular rock. Maybe my music is good, maybe my dream is possible. I'm feeling generally better too, while my friends are still doing other things, I think I have found a balance with most of them. I don't feel so alone as far as friends go. My bishop called the other day and said that he was told to call me. He is so cool. I need to be a lot more in tune with my spirituality. I need to start reading my scriptures more, and I need to open up to God more. Anyway, that is another post all together. I'm noticing a lot about the opposite sex lately. How they treat me when I'm around has been a lot better, maybe because I'm less defensive lately. People are starting conversations with me, and have a genuine interest in who I am. This is cool... Really cool! I need to have my suit pressed so maybe I can go to the Men's Warehouse and finally have courage enough to ask that girl out that was very flirtatious with me when I bought it. Holy crap that is scary! I also have decided to actually work on the goals that I have for myself and not wait for them to happen. They never will if I don't do it. A lot is going to change for me, but I know that it is for the better.... Well now that I have talked in circles I'll be done now.

Your Linguistic Profile:

60% General American English

20% Yankee

10% Dixie

10% Upper Midwestern

0% Midwestern

Man I must really suck if I am 10% Dixie. I mean crap! I'm not from the south!

I wrote a song sort of today... Very Jason Mraz like, but I had this lyric run through my head when it was all done...

...Nothing seems to satisfy...

...I don't know why I was thinking it, but it has a lot of meaning to me right now. What will make me satisfied? At what point and to what end will I be okay being me?

You can be on my cool list if you tell me what the song is without "googleing" it.

***

Something has to change.
Un-deniable dilemma.
Boredom’s not a burden
Anyone should bear.

Constant over stimulation numbs me
But I wouldn’t want you
Any other way.

Just, not enough.
I need more.
Nothing seems to satisfy.
I said, I don’t want it.
I just need it.
To breathe, to feel, to know I’m alive.

Finger deep within the borderline.
Show me that you love me and that we belong together.
Relax, turn around and take my hand.

I can help you change
Tired moments into pleasure.
Say the word and we’ll be
Well upon our way.

Blend and balance
Pain and comfort
Deep within you
Till you will not want me any other way.

But, it’s not enough.
I need more.
Nothing seems to satisfy.
I said, I don’t want it.
I just need it.
To breathe, to feel, to know I’m alive.

Knuckle deep inside the borderline.
This may hurt a little but it’s something you’ll get used to.
Relax. slip away.

Something kinda sad about
The way that things have come to be.
Desensitized to everything.
What became of subtlety?

How can it mean anything to me
If I really don’t feel anything at all?

I’ll keep digging till,
I feel something.

Elbow deep inside the borderline.
Show me that you love me and that we belong together.
Shoulder deep within the borderline.
Relax. turn around and take my hand.

So I took this sort of personality test that was on Jenna's blog, and here are the results. This is so accurate that it is scary...

You can take it too.

http://www.colorgenics.com

Here are my results:

You have always been on the move seeking affectionate, satisfying and harmonious relationships. Your ultimate goal has been the realization of an intimate union in which there could be love, self-sacrifice and mutual trust. It has often been said that 'True love is just around the corner' and - if you haven't found it as yet - you possibly soon will.

You want what you want and you need all that you want and, as they say in the movies, you are the sort of individual that 'By hook or by crook' you will, by fair means or foul, endeavor to get what you are looking for.

Many people will consider you egotistical and full of your own self importance. On the surface you could well give this impression and perhaps the reason for this complacent attitude is because at times you indeed have that 'short fuse' and are quick to take offense.

You are pretending that the situation around you doesn't matter, but the effort of trying to conceal your emotions and anxieties is resulting in untold stress. The existing situation is disagreeable. You feel unwanted and lonely and you would really like to associate with someone whose ideals are as high as your own. You want to be above the standard of mediocrity and this need to be needed and that need to need has almost become an obsession. You are trying to magnify the need into a compelling urge. You would really like to tell the world how great you are but no, you are holding back because you feel that your peers may treat you with contempt. This is a great pity because you have in fact a unique quality of character, but the continual restraint that you impose on yourself makes you suppress this need for others and you pretend you don't really care. You treat those who criticize you with contempt. However, to be honest, beneath this assumption of indifference you really long for the approval and esteem of others.

You would like to be respected and valued for yourself and this can only be achieved from within a close and harmonious relationship.

I was getting really tired of the "standardized" look that my blog had. It felt like a "cookie-cutter" blog or journal. I like the changes. Let me know what you think!

Also if you have any suggestions about what I could put on my blog let me know! I think this new look fits me better.

I'll post again real soon.

I have had to take a step back and evaluate why I don't like doing things under some social situations. Why am I apprehensive and socially afraid of some activities? I know the answers, and I think I'm ready to share. In my new friendships I have made over the last year and a half I have been forced to not let myself be included in activities that others find fun. This is an example that I think will help some of my friends understand me. I lived in Pinnacle apartments last year. We had a complimentary weight room, and a hot tub. My friends would always invite me to go hot tubing. I would always say I was busy, or couldn't at the moment. Truth is I have a fear and a very huge anxiety over that sort of activity, and not why many people would think. While I again answered to another new friend on Sunday that I don't go hot tubing because I almost died in one, which is true, (or so it seemed to a young kid at his cousins house) it's not the real reason. A few years ago I was engaged, and she and I shared a lot of the same friends. We all decided to go hot tubing one night, I was way excited, a little nervous, but none the less excited. I changed last, and everyone was already in the hot tub when I got out there. I got in next to Sarah (my fiance) and got close to her. Then it started... Fat joke after fat joke directed at me. Now I wasn't unhealthy, in fact I wasn't fat, I could have put my weight in better places, but I wasn't worried about it at that time. Joel, Chris, Talus, and Amber were relentless. I usually take stuff like that and joke with everyone else, but I couldn't hide behind it this time. These are people that I trusted with my deepest fears, and here they are playing on my personal appearance, something I have always had a hard time with. It was one of the most humiliating experiences in my entire life. Since that day I have not been in a hot tub with anyone else besides the person I was dating. In fact that single experience is why I don't do a lot of things that can present an opportunity for my weight to be made fun of. Someone made fun of me when I was dancing, so I don't do that, and someone made fun of me when I ran, so I stopped running. I wonder if my body would shutdown if someone told me that I look funny when I breathe. What makes me unique in my mind makes me stand out, and what makes me stand out makes me undesirable. The qualities that I have that make me uncomfortable are the qualities I always assume someone is judging me on. I don't think that is right, but I don't think it is necessarily wrong. I know if I looked different I would not be single...