Something scary happened to me last night
2 Comments Published by Kr5is on Monday, June 06, 2005 at 10:07 AM.
***For those of you that don't necessarily believe in my religion (Mormonism), I'm warning you now. The following events are true, and very hard to believe for someone that does not keep the same faith that I do.***
I really don't know where to begin. In the recent months I have been trying to find my place in the grand scheme that God has put in place. I fully believe in a life after this one, and I fully believe that based on my actions I will be able to live with my (future) wife forever. I know that I have jeopardized that in the last few years. I have been struggling with my relationship with God. I know that the advisary has been working hard on me, and last night proved it to me. I have been told in blessings my whole life that he was going to be working extra hard on me, and that I am specifically someone that he does not want to succeed. I felt his presence close to me many times and I have seen his followers. I know that it is not something to mess around with. In my path to repentance I have become numb to feeling God's love, and I have had no desire to do what I have been asked. At church yesterday we had a Fast and Testimony meeting, those are always nice. This one was very powerful, the members of my ward are so touched by God's love, and I am so glad that they share it. I want to feel that again. I decided to force myself, and just do what I am asked even if I don't feel like it. After all I am an adult, aren't I? At about 12:30 I decided to begin reading the Book of Mormon. I started off with a prayer, the kind I haven't said in a long time. I asked for the spirit and knowledge that the Book of Mormon was true. I opened to First Nephi and was about to begin reading when I was prompted to read the Testimony of the Three Witnesses. So I did, and was surprised to read what I found. These are people that had actually seen the gold plates, and the inscriptions on them. All logic tells me that Joseph Smith could not have written this, or conjured it up. He did find this record. I felt the warmth again, and proceeded to read Joseph Smith's Testimony. I have to be honest and tell you that I got bored of that, and I am also scared of it too. The events that happened in the Sacred Grove are very real to me. I know there were 4 present that day, Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, Joseph Smith, and Satan. Knowing Satan is there, or involved in my life scares me to death. He was there last night too. I began reading First Nephi again, searching for the truth in every verse. I was about 4 passages into it when my vision started to blur, and I could not concentrate. I could feel someone else in the room with me, and it was not a good feeling. I couldn't move, and I was unable to think through my fear. I know that Satan and his followers did not like what I was doing, and they were trying to make their presence known. I found that the few fleeting thoughts I could collect were that of when my father had this happen to him. I wanted to pray, but I couldn't speak, and felt helpless to defend myself against the oppression that I was feeling. I finally managed to force my consciousness forward and gain enough control to utter a prayer stating my name and Christ's name. The feeling was not as strong anymore, but I knew 'they' were still there. I finally was able to turn around from my desk, and face the now empty room. My fear controlled me though, and Satan had done his part. I was to afraid to continue reading. I closed my Scriptures, and quietly prepared for bed, not knowing if it would return or not. I turned my light off, and curled up in my bed for a restless night where the advisary could pollute my dreams as well. I know this will happen again when I try and read for the truth. I am paralyzed by this fear. I need a blessing, maybe my dad can help me with that. I needed to externalize this, and I'm sure some who read this will think I'm crazy, or a religious nut job, but I know otherwise, and I am secure enough with myself to tell this story.
I want to return there someday, and this road is not going to be easy.
I really don't know where to begin. In the recent months I have been trying to find my place in the grand scheme that God has put in place. I fully believe in a life after this one, and I fully believe that based on my actions I will be able to live with my (future) wife forever. I know that I have jeopardized that in the last few years. I have been struggling with my relationship with God. I know that the advisary has been working hard on me, and last night proved it to me. I have been told in blessings my whole life that he was going to be working extra hard on me, and that I am specifically someone that he does not want to succeed. I felt his presence close to me many times and I have seen his followers. I know that it is not something to mess around with. In my path to repentance I have become numb to feeling God's love, and I have had no desire to do what I have been asked. At church yesterday we had a Fast and Testimony meeting, those are always nice. This one was very powerful, the members of my ward are so touched by God's love, and I am so glad that they share it. I want to feel that again. I decided to force myself, and just do what I am asked even if I don't feel like it. After all I am an adult, aren't I? At about 12:30 I decided to begin reading the Book of Mormon. I started off with a prayer, the kind I haven't said in a long time. I asked for the spirit and knowledge that the Book of Mormon was true. I opened to First Nephi and was about to begin reading when I was prompted to read the Testimony of the Three Witnesses. So I did, and was surprised to read what I found. These are people that had actually seen the gold plates, and the inscriptions on them. All logic tells me that Joseph Smith could not have written this, or conjured it up. He did find this record. I felt the warmth again, and proceeded to read Joseph Smith's Testimony. I have to be honest and tell you that I got bored of that, and I am also scared of it too. The events that happened in the Sacred Grove are very real to me. I know there were 4 present that day, Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, Joseph Smith, and Satan. Knowing Satan is there, or involved in my life scares me to death. He was there last night too. I began reading First Nephi again, searching for the truth in every verse. I was about 4 passages into it when my vision started to blur, and I could not concentrate. I could feel someone else in the room with me, and it was not a good feeling. I couldn't move, and I was unable to think through my fear. I know that Satan and his followers did not like what I was doing, and they were trying to make their presence known. I found that the few fleeting thoughts I could collect were that of when my father had this happen to him. I wanted to pray, but I couldn't speak, and felt helpless to defend myself against the oppression that I was feeling. I finally managed to force my consciousness forward and gain enough control to utter a prayer stating my name and Christ's name. The feeling was not as strong anymore, but I knew 'they' were still there. I finally was able to turn around from my desk, and face the now empty room. My fear controlled me though, and Satan had done his part. I was to afraid to continue reading. I closed my Scriptures, and quietly prepared for bed, not knowing if it would return or not. I turned my light off, and curled up in my bed for a restless night where the advisary could pollute my dreams as well. I know this will happen again when I try and read for the truth. I am paralyzed by this fear. I need a blessing, maybe my dad can help me with that. I needed to externalize this, and I'm sure some who read this will think I'm crazy, or a religious nut job, but I know otherwise, and I am secure enough with myself to tell this story.
I want to return there someday, and this road is not going to be easy.
Kris I know that you told me not to read this but something kept telling me I should. Kris I am always there to listen. I look up to you in so many ways and aspects that can only be done by an older brother. I know that not everyone is perfect. But that doesn't shape the way that I feel about you. You are the best brother in the world. I have been praying and going through the same process really for the first time in my life. I am feeling a lot of the same forces working against me. Though not in the same way. Kris I have come to know that if you put your mind and heart to it that it will be made knowen unto you. I am living proof. Just always remember to turn to those that you love and can trust. We are always there. I love you so much man. I know you will make it.
~Zack~
That's a powerful statement to the audacity of Satan. He is real and he will stop at nothing to bring you down. Our family is known for having it's issues with satan and his followers, but that only makes me want to try harder. The fact that Satan is working so hard against our family leads me to believe that he is terrified of what will happen if we do stick to the straight and narrow. He would not be trying so vehemently to bring you down if he wasn't absolutely scared of what will happen if he doesn't. Kris, I understand what you are going through. I hope that experiences like this won't scare you away from the scriptures and prayer altogether. I understand how frightened you are, and how it seems so much easier to just not try. But, if you do that, then you are giving in. I hope you don't. Once again, if Satan is working this hard to keep you away from the truth, then it must be an amazing and beautiful truth. I love you, and I am going to pray for you.
~Aubs~