So since the last thing I posted things have calmed down. I got a blessing from my dad the other night. I still didn't feel the spirit, but I know it helped. He told me that god wants me to trust him, and that I need to put my life in his hands. So I am trying... I have been real cranky for the last few days, and it really bothers me. I see all my friendships ending. Not because we are angry or don't get a long, just because everyone is doing something that I'm not. Nobody really has time to just chill anymore. All my friends are married, or have girlfriends, or would rather be around someone other than me. I feel like I'm not good enough and disappearing. Nobody thinks highly of me anymore. Have I become so routine that I'm a sure thing? I saw Krista last night, and that conversation felt so genuine and heartfelt. I felt listened to, and really cared about. I miss that from my friends. If I need to talk they let me, but then they try and change the topic, like they lose interest. I really need help, and I'm not sure how to help myself anymore, or how to ask. I fell like a drain on everyone, like my opinions don't fit, or I'm the outsider. Mostly because of this attitude I have, but I want to fit again. I want to go where everyone else is, except when I get there I'm to late or don't belong there. The ward is fake, my family is there, but not the way I need, and my friends are keeping acquaintances because the feel obligated, or need something. Why am I so bitter or angry. Nobody has done anything intentionally to hurt me, it's all just building up. I need to be loved. Not romantically, but emotionally. I tell my friends I love them all the time, but they never tell me back. That hurts most of all. I think I hit a phase of co-dependency. That was not supposed to happen. I was doing very well being independent. What happened? What changed? What did I do? Why does everyone use me. I'm a crutch to the world.
Well I don't care anymore. I'm not coming down.
There is nothing you can say to turn this frown.
Everything is stained, or broken in this town.
And you can't convince me to come back around.
Well I don't care anymore. I'm not coming down.
There is nothing you can say to turn this frown.
Everything is stained, or broken in this town.
And you can't convince me to come back around.
Kris! Dawg! I can relate to this post. Actually, I can MORE than relate to this post.
I'm sorry that things are hard for you. Dawg, you and I will have to at least catch a movie sometime.
I mean heck, you only work 10 feet away from me. ;)
- Brandon D.
Kris,
I know that it's not much but if you ever just need to talk even if you don't know that I'll understand I am here to listen and then possably spill to you.It's been such a long time since you and I just talked. I hope that your life turns around man. I love you so much. You are always welcome here.
~Zack~
Kris, man... if you ever need someone to talk to, you can always call me... day or night. Even if it's only to vent.
Or to utter a twelve-minute unbroken stream of obscenities.
Or to ask if my refrigerator is running. Or something.
I think I missed the main point of the rant. After re-reading it I seemed like I was blaming my friends, but I'm not. I'm blaming myself, and I'm trying to find out why it happened.