Kr5istofer's Thoughts

Actually I think it's more curious... I can pick my mood sometimes. Other times I'm totally controlled by my emotions. Today I'm a little sick, which really sucks. However I'm not in a bad or sad mood. I'm not in a happy or excited mood either. I'm just glazed over and numb. So I put on a song that I think I want to listen to and it puts me back where I was when I first loved this song. A place where I had the world of opportunities ahead of me. I remember listening to this song when I was a teenager, and thinking that life is so cool and I have the ability to be anything I want to be, even if I can't keep it all together. I highly recommend the song, and if you don't have it find it and listen to it please. Tell me what you feel when you listen to it:

God of Wine - Third Eye Blind

Call it a sort of social experiment. There are a few songs that I have attached to specific memories, moments in time where I will always be. I'll try and list a few:

Today - Smashing Pumpkins - This one is fun, I was in my friend Mark's basement, learning to play the guitar. My friend Chris Terry put on This song, and tried to play it on the guitar. It was one of the first songs I ever learned to play.

Deep Inside of You - Third Eye Blind - I became friends with Someone I respected and thought I could never be friends with. Steve Cannon, about a month before he left on his mission we were hanging out, and listened to this song on repeat in his Jeep. It was cool.

Right Behind You - Our Lady Peace - This is one of my favorite memories and songs. I was at the concert with Heather, and Amber. Saw them come on stage and heard their guitars warm up on the PA and then I knew what they were going to play. I sang the first line of the song, and then they played it!

If you feel the desire to share with me please do. I communicate my emotion is through these songs, and I want to know more about my readers music influences.

It’s 3am on Christmas morning, and I can’t sleep. I don’t know why I have the sudden urge to write this, but none the less here I am. Let me start from where I think my thought process has begun. I just spent Christmas Eve with my family. Now the Harrison tradition is a little messed up, but I like it. We got it from my mom’s side of the family, they know how to celebrate. On Christmas Eve we all get together and have a dinner. In recent years it has been Clam Chowder in sourdough bread bowls. It’s really good. After that we go and read some scriptures, usually having to do with the meaning of Christmas then we open our gifts under the Christmas tree. It was good to be with my family, especially my grandparents who recently returned from their mission. Tonight it went later than usual because Aubrey my sister had to work till 9, so we tried to postpone the gifts till then. My littlest sister and my nephews had a hard time with that.

I went to bed around 11:00, and I haven’t been able to sleep. When I try to sleep my mind wonders around in places it hasn’t been in a long time. I found myself wondering where I was last Christmas, after all, I’m almost 24, and I am currently renting a room from my mom and dad. As I recall last Christmas I was here too, only not living here. I stayed the night last year, probably some sick way to hold on to my childhood memories of Christmas. I also found myself remembering the people I have been around for the last year. I remember that this time last year was the time I realized that I had a crush on my best friend, and soon after that I had a birthday that I had the privilege of sharing with one of the most caring an unconditional friends I have ever had. Not long after that I escorted another friend to his wedding, and then it hit me. I made a promise, a promise that now I can’t possibly keep. Actually I found out last year that I couldn’t keep it unless I was engaged. I promised Rich that I would go to the temple and support him when he and his wife Rochelle get sealed. My bishop only a few months ago told me I have to be 25 or engaged to go to the temple. (lame) Even if there wasn’t a limitation on me I don’t think I would have been ready, again! My heart has been tormented by too many questions about, who I am and who I am supposed to be. I try and pray but I don’t really feel it like I used to. I get a swarm of answers and I try to make since of them, but I think I end up putting my own twist on things.

I also looked back at this last year and pinpointed ever spot where something I loved or could have loved was taken from me. I know these places, and I won’t bore you with them here, but you may ask me in confidence if you like. As I realized these things were being taken from me I could see the reason why. My friend told me all along that God needed to break me first. I didn’t believe her much, I know now. But I think it started way before she told me. It started in 2003, where I was plucked out a relationship because I was too selfish to turn to him. So I turned to some of my friends, who are good, awesome, and beautiful people. But just because they are good doesn’t mean they are the best influence on me. I would fail at a lot of things that I tried. I moved in with some awesome guys and lived in this awesome house way up on the hill, but for some reason I felt some tension there. I must have created it in my mind, but I was sure they were pissed off at me. (I don’t think that now) I left the house to go live with Rich and Mike, while I had an awesome time with them I still with I stayed with the other guys. I got into another VERY BAD relationship, not bad enough to kill me but unhealthy. I was destroying my spiritually in that relationship, and I fought for the sin, but in the end it was taken from me too. (That has since proven to be a good thing) That takes me to December of last year. That is when I really came close to the truest friend I ever had. I think we sort of encouraged each other spiritually, and I hope I’m not to bold in saying that. She got back on track, but I fought it. Things were good, I had a band that played awesome shows frequently, I had awesome roommates that I know loved me as much as I loved them back. But that was taken from me too, they all got married or moved away. My friend and I started to argue, and I blamed everyone else for what was happening, even God. My friend kept telling me that I needed to just put faith there and I will find my happiness, but I was stubborn. I ignored her, and because of that I think she got tired of trying to help if I was going to ignore what she knows to work. I was losing her too. That brings me to this last Wednesday. I finished rehearsal with Steve and the new guys we’re gonna play music with, and I was sick. I was shaking; cold and I could hardly stand. The next morning I could not breathe, so I had to take the day off work. The same thing the next day only worse. My doctor said that it must be an allergy, she was wrong, but oh well, I’ll rant about that later. I finally dropped my pride and asked my little brother to come over and give me a blessing with my father. I have never asked my brother to do this for me because I was too proud, and jealous. It helped though, to remember what I do believe, and to re-spark what I want to eventually be. It also helped me get into the mind frame of where I need to be. So here is my new years resolution. I’m going to become a complete person according to my beliefs. I want to feel like I have a good standing with God, and I want to participate in benefits of being a Mormon. I only hope that I can repair what I have done to myself and my relations. I hope it is not to late to receive the blessings that were set aside for me, but I passed up. I hope…

You were right about me...

Have you ever wondered why you like certain things? Or why certain things effect you when it is obvious that others around you don't feel the same, or aren't effected the same way? I have this unhealthy obsession with music. If you didn't know that then you really don't know me, or are visiting my blog for the first time. I'm probably the only person I know that can listen to a song for the first time and immediately attach an emotion to it or feel chills go up and down my body.

Here I am at work working on an issue, sort of on auto pilot. I decide to put on my headphones, and listen to some music I have on my computer. I search through the iTunes library that is now 2800 some odd songs large. That is not much to be proud of I know, but for a work computer I think it is awesome! I see a band I haven't listened to in a few months. Dredge, I start to play my favorite album from them, El Cielo. Everything is going good, just helping this customer install our product again, then track 3 starts. I remember that I loved this song a while ago, the hook hits and my mind goes blank. I'm drawn into this swirly world of Depesche Mode-ish singing, with this awesome ghostly guitar that pushes your sensed to the point of exploding. The bass is so rich and solid that you almost miss how good the drums sound. I feel chills all over. Then I slowly come back to consciousness and realize that I'm still working with the person on the other end of the line wondering if I am still there. That is a song-gazm, that is why I want to continue to write music. This is just who I am. Now someone else will hear that same song and think that it's just a song. Not me, not me.

Why do you treat me different?

He was right about you...

The sun came up with no conclusion
Flowers sleeping in their beds
This city's cemetery's humming
I’m wide-awake, it’s morning

I have my drugs, I have my woman
They keep away my loneliness
My parents have they have their religion
But sleep in separate houses

I read the body count out of the paper
And now it’s written all over my face
No one ever plans to sleep out in the gutter
Sometimes that’s just the most comfortable place

So I’m drinking, breathing, writing, singing
Everyday I'm on the clock
My mind races with all my longings
But cant keep up with what I got

I hope I don’t sound too ungrateful
What history gave modern man
A telephone to talk to strangers
Machine guns and a camera lens

So when you’re asked to fight a war that’s over nothing
It’s best to join the side that’s gonna win
And no one’s sure how all of this got started
But we’re gonna make them goddam certain how its gonna end
Oh ya we will, oh ya we will!

Well I could have been a famous singer
If I had someone else’s voice
But failure’s always sounded better
Lets fuck it up boys, make some noise!

You think you’re going to live your life alone, in darkness and seclusion... Yeah, I know you’ve been out there and tried to mix with those animals, and it just left you full of humiliated confusion. So you stagger back home and wait for nothing. But the solitary refinement of your room spits you back onto the streets. Now you’re desperate and in need of human contact, and then you meet me and your whole world changes. Because everything I say is everything you’ve ever wanted to hear. So you drop all you defenses, I’m perfect in every way cause I make you feel so strong and so powerful inside. You feel so lucky, but your ego obscures reality that you never bothered to wonder why things are going so well. I’ll hide behind a smile and understanding eyes, and I’ll tell you things that you already know so you can say, "I really identify with you, so much." And all the time that you’re needing me is just the time that I’m bleeding you, don’t you get it yet? I’ll come to you like an affliction then I’ll leave you like an addiction. You’ll never forget me.

I don’t know why I feel the need to lie and cause you so much pain. Maybe it’s something inside, maybe it’s something I can’t explain, cause all I do is mess you up and lie to you. I’m a liar. But if you’ll give me another chance I swear I’ll never lie to you again. Cause now I see the destructive power of a lie, they’re stronger than truth. I can’t believe I ever hurt you, I swear I will never lie to you again. Please, just give me one more chance, I’ll never lie to you again. I swear, I will never tell a lie, no. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Sucker! I am a liar.

***

I would like to thank Henry Rollins for that awesome passage. That isn't me by any means, but I'm have definitely been the target of such lies before. Sorry I don't have anything interesting to report on, I just need to do something cool with my life. I'm going to a dinner party on Friday. I have a date for it and I'm excited. I'm finally developing the courage to ask people out.

You Are A Jealous Ex

You're not quite over your past, and you are hurt that your ex is moving on You're no longer in love, but you're not done with being pissed Jealous of any happiness that comes your ex's way, you still can't let go