Kr5istofer's Thoughts

I'm just going to write an update. I'm feeling good, but sedated. I keep thinking I am just working summer job and eventually I will be moving back to Utah, but that's not the truth is it? Well maybe it is, what If I just save as much money as I can then move back to Utah and go to school full time. I really need to do that, school. I don't think I could amount to much without that. I want to be able to provide, and I'm getting a very good picture painted for me about how much it costs to live and provide and own things. I want to buy a car, but that will cost me about 400 dollars a month. I want to have my own place and that will cost about 800 with the utilities and everything. Not to mention maintenance on my car, and keeping money for emergencies. Holy crap it's hard. I have debt right now that I need to pay off, so maybe it's a good thing that I couldn't get tickets for Tool today. I have a lot of things I am trying to improve about myself, I'm trying to figure out what women look for in a guy when they are deciding weather or not I could be a good husband. Jenna talked about communicating yesterday, I think I do that pretty well with a lot of people, except when I get emotional or upset. Then I begin to be irrational and start to whine, or not know how to communicate. Classic example is when I was in Utah two weeks ago, I can't seem to collect my thoughts about a few things right now. So in knowing that I communicate better when things are more stable, what sort of stability do I need, or what am I looking for. What sort of happiness can I get from life, and how should I view things, or approach the situations that may affect my life in order to find my happiness. Truth is I am depressed, and I haven't wanted to admit it. I know all you knew that and it is all over this blog, and all over my face. I haven't ever felt so out of body before, and I don't like it. I don't know what will help me, or what will soothe my heart, but I do know that if I got what I want I won't be happy. I'll just be sort of held off, patched up, but not fixed. I'm really trying to identify what it is though, just pray for me or something.