Kr5istofer's Thoughts

Have you ever looked at someone and thought, "wow I feel sorry for that guy", or "I'll never be like that guy"? Well if you have then I'm going to ask you to stop, cause I'm that guy now. It has been my biggest fear to become the person who goes to movies alone, and eats at restaurants alone. Someone you look at and know that they are unhappy and that they will continue to be alone for quite sometime. I went to see a movie last night, all by myself, I was bored, and I felt stared at by everyone there. I imagined them all thinking "Look at the fat kid all by himself!" I try to look like I have friends or something, but it probably looks like I got stood up, or I'm a loser. I know I have friends, just not here. I need to go see a therapist or something, I'm having weird thoughts, like I have never had before. I can't afford it for 2 more months though, I won't have insurance till June or July. I should have researched this decision better, not that I think I wouldn't have made the same choice, but I think my expectations would have been different and I wouldn't feel so disappointed right now. I still feel like I walked away from something good, and I wont make you all hear it again, but I'm constantly missing out on things that always mattered to me back home. Funny how I remember when I first moved from Colorado to Utah I wouldn't call Utah home. I hated it there, my friends here seemed so much better than the new ones I made in Utah. I was wrong about that, but I knew I was wrong when I felt like that. So I try and think about what I know now. My friends in Colorado all turned out to be losers, or not real friends at all. The people I miss in Utah are real, and I don't want to trade them in for new ones, but I don't have a choice. I will always be friends with them, but on a level that is so different from what it should be. Rich and I have always said that we wanted to live in the same neighborhood and have our kids play together, Mike Pound was added to that list a while ago, when he said he would come back from California with his family so we can all be close. Then I left, and went the other direction, off where I always said I wanted to go back to, but as the years went by I felt that desire less and less. I am glad however to have a job change, Dentrix was killing me, and I was being limited which I needed an escape from. The job I have now is great and exactly what I need, but at what cost? The cost of the small amount of happiness I had, the cost of all my loved ones... the cost of my life? Believe me I am trying to be positive, but this is all you read or have to know how I am doing. If I had cool things to post about I would, but I don't. So right now it's just my emotions and thoughts, and you are all subject to the thrill ride that is my emotional life. Believe me I have wanted to get off for a long time.