Published by Kr5is
on Thursday, April 13, 2006 at 8:58 AM. 
Okay so, maybe I was just really depressed the last time I posted. I didn't mean for all of you to be offended or think that I was scolding you, I just don't have the ability to fight for what I want right now. I'm broken, and everyone can see it on my face, or they read my blog. All I have is my temp family right now, and I have always hated hanging out with family. Not that I don't love my family, but my friends were always the people I would die for first. I want to be with all of my friends. Some of them are planning on moving here eventually, I don't know if it will really happen, but we'll see. By that time though I wonder if they will remember me, or actually have time to be friends with a crying emo kid that judges his worth by his social accomplishments. Is that wrong or is it a sin to want to be loved by people. I don't get satisfaction from having friends either, I get the satisfaction when I can change the people I meet or have them think I'm cool enough to take on a few things that I like. I do that with everyone I meet at least I think I do. All of who I am is a series of stolen characteristics of one friend or another. I don't know what part of me is real. I hide my feeling to make it easier for my friends to feel comfortable, and when I do finally say what I want it usually back fires on me. I just want it to be easy, and I know it never will for me. Rich and Bryan my best friends since 6th grade have always had everything given to them or it fell in their laps. I had to work to have a girlfriend, or go the extra mile to have someone notice me. Why??? Am I that ugly or uninteresting? I have 10 times the talent and knowledge than both of them together yet I'm still the one that always has to work for it. I don't want to make friends in the ward here because that is church. I don't like having friends where the only thing in common is your religion. I'm an emotional 24 year old, music obsessed, transient. I have no place to call home, and nobody to cry with. Nobody to show new songs to, and nobody that won't think I'm strange when I start flailing my fingers around during my favorite parts of some songs. Nobody to drive around with and sing songs with. Nobody to call to come over for a Halo party, and nobody at work to have a 'took it too far contest' with. I miss you all, and I want you to know that. From right here this decision looks like the biggest mistake of my life, but I'm not giving up! I'm going to be stubborn and make it a good decision. I'm just going to have to work for it.
Okay so, maybe I was just really depressed the last time I posted. I didn't mean for all of you to be offended or think that I was scolding you, I just don't have the ability to fight for what I want right now. I'm broken, and everyone can see it on my face, or they read my blog. All I have is my temp family right now, and I have always hated hanging out with family. Not that I don't love my family, but my friends were always the people I would die for first. I want to be with all of my friends. Some of them are planning on moving here eventually, I don't know if it will really happen, but we'll see. By that time though I wonder if they will remember me, or actually have time to be friends with a crying emo kid that judges his worth by his social accomplishments. Is that wrong or is it a sin to want to be loved by people. I don't get satisfaction from having friends either, I get the satisfaction when I can change the people I meet or have them think I'm cool enough to take on a few things that I like. I do that with everyone I meet at least I think I do. All of who I am is a series of stolen characteristics of one friend or another. I don't know what part of me is real. I hide my feeling to make it easier for my friends to feel comfortable, and when I do finally say what I want it usually back fires on me. I just want it to be easy, and I know it never will for me. Rich and Bryan my best friends since 6th grade have always had everything given to them or it fell in their laps. I had to work to have a girlfriend, or go the extra mile to have someone notice me. Why??? Am I that ugly or uninteresting? I have 10 times the talent and knowledge than both of them together yet I'm still the one that always has to work for it. I don't want to make friends in the ward here because that is church. I don't like having friends where the only thing in common is your religion. I'm an emotional 24 year old, music obsessed, transient. I have no place to call home, and nobody to cry with. Nobody to show new songs to, and nobody that won't think I'm strange when I start flailing my fingers around during my favorite parts of some songs. Nobody to drive around with and sing songs with. Nobody to call to come over for a Halo party, and nobody at work to have a 'took it too far contest' with. I miss you all, and I want you to know that. From right here this decision looks like the biggest mistake of my life, but I'm not giving up! I'm going to be stubborn and make it a good decision. I'm just going to have to work for it.
Kr5is,
I'm just full of input lately:
1.
Establish an even greater closeness with your family. Your family will always be there for you, no matter what.
2.
Remain interested in solving problems; even the really hard ones.
3.
You are a spontaneous and creative person. I would run with that.
4.
This is your life; for better or for worse. Embrace it!
"I have always hated hanging out with family. Not that I don't love my family, but my friends were always the people I would die for first."
That's what makes us so completely and universally different. I'd die for you or any family member in a heartbeat. I wouldn't even have to think about it.
Like your friend said, strive to be close to family. You have cousins, uncles, aunts, grandpas, grandmas, nephews, brothers, and some particularly awesome sisters all there for you. WAITING for you.
I love you, bud. Hang on to your friends, even if it seems difficult it will be worth it. Because, good friends are the same as family. They'll never give up on you, and they'll always be around when you need them.