Wow what a day. I'm not sure what happened. It was really good, and now it sort of ended on a somber note. I have come to a point where I need to make some changes in my attitude towards God and my Religion. I have never doubted my beliefs, more like lost trust and faith in the involved people and principal. Why have I had to go through all these trials? Why are there some who casually walk through life, jumping the speed bumps in there way, and I have to climb the walls. I want it to come easy sometimes. My faith has been tested to the limits. I don't know how much more I can take. I need to turn around and head back. I'm so stubborn sometimes. A trait that I inherited from my dad. I want to feel the warmth cover my body when God is near. I want to find peace in my heart, for who I am and who I will be. Jenna really got me remembering my testimony, and the events that strengthened it. I remember the day that I was baptized. The actual baptism was really neat, and cool. But the whole thing that sticks out is when I was confirmed a member of the church and received the Holy Ghost. I could feel it enter my body from my dad's hands on my head, and then all the way to my toes. It was the so warm, and soothing. Sort of like when you cry for no reason and then feel so good. I remember few of the faces that were there. My dad, my non Mormon Grandparents, and my mom. It was so nice to have them there. How do I lose site of these places and experiences that guide me. I remembering Baptizing my brother Zack. That was so special to me. Zack and I will always be connected by that experience. I felt the spirit around me then, and I wish I could feel it now. It has been so long. I am numb. I can't feel anything but pain usually. The advisary has really done his job on me. How do I turn around? What can I expect? How long will it take? I'm not very patient when it comes to these kind of questions... Will I ever marry in the Temple? Will I ever succeed for more than 3 months? Will I be worthy to hug and be held by my savior when he returns? I really hope....
Music Pick
- Spill Canvas
- One Fell Swoop - 08.09.2005
- So these songs were pretty good. I have always respected the opinions of my friends when it comes to new music, and again I was not let down when I was told to listen to this band. I don’t think you will be either.
Song of The Moment
- Spill Canvas - Self-Conclusion
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I feel you to a certain degree. Slipping away from religion is just so easy. Sometimes you don't even realize you have. It isn't until you are a hundred miles away that you stop and realize how far you've gone in the wrong direction. For some reason the first step back is always the hardest. It's the equivalent of jumping head-first off a cliff that you can't see the bottom of. But once you replace your pride with your faith, your steps will get easier. Before you know it, you'll be where you want to be, wondering why you ever strayed. Easier said than done... Believe me, I know!
You know what I'm going to say. You've seen where I've been. You've seen how far gone I was. And maybe I never drank or did drugs or went to jail, but I was as far gone as people who do. It's only taken me this long to realize because I let my pride interfere, and almost consciously. I've been a fool, and you've seen it. But you've also seen me suck it up. And that's all it takes. The more prideful I got, the more God came down hard on me. He took nearly everything away from me because I wasn't being the kind of person who could see through those things to what was really happening. Everything possible went wrong. I know you saw that. I don't want that for you. Although He did it out of love, don't let that be necessary. That hardest part is the part that takes the least amount of time, and that's getting over your pride. You know I love you and I understand every bit of how hard it is. And every bit how worth it as well. :) I love you.