Kr5istofer's Thoughts

I love my sister, she is so freaking cool. She has had a hard time too. Maybe the Harrison depressoin isn't so rare afterall. She posted some really cool Dr. Seuss stuff that deals with sadness. Please check it out:

http://breybabe.blogspot.com/2005/04/are-you-sad.html

Please, if you stop by tell her she is loved!

This doesn't seem real. He's getting married tomorrow. My best friend and hero is heading a new direction with someone by his side. I was okay with this notion until last night. We had a get together, a bachelor party of sorts. We played Poker and Halo, and all sorts of fun stuff, but it hit me that Rich is changing. Maybe it's a good thing, but I'm not so thrilled about the idea. I think it also has to do with Bryan. Katie had him have not broken up, in fact the opposite. They want to get married. October seems to be when It will happen. I was okay with Rich, because I wasn't last. Well now I am, and will be. I could always have the comfort of knowing that I had a close childhood friend that was not married yet. I don't want to be the one that never gets invited because I don't have a spouse. In all my searching spiritually and improvements I make in other areas of my life, I don't find any comfort in the fact that I think I will be alone forever. I have made huge steps, but nothing. Now I know I haven't completely finished working at bettering myself in fact I have only started, but usually I get some glimmer of hope or at least some comfort. Whatever I complain about that issue to much, especially here. I heard a song on the way to work I used to listen to. Here is a line from it, I think it kind of fits:

Emptiness is Loneliness and Loneliness is Cleanliness.
And Cleanliness Is Godliness and God is Empty... Just like me.

I don't think God is empty, but that is the cycle. All these neon distractions that kept me occupied through the years have come back to haunt me. I'm paying with my happiness. I am very good now, and I don't mean for this post to be a complaint or the usually "woe is me", it's just coming out that way. I love the people that are in my life right now. I just don't like change, I think I can handle it if the people around me progress at the same pace as me, but when people take leaps and bounds forward and I'm drowning, learning to swim, it sucks! It's my problem though. Another thing, why have my friends found happiness doing the same things I do, but I have to work for it. That pisses me off, I want to scream.

***BEST ROCKSTAR SCREAM EVER***

I feel better...

Everything I post here is to literal. I feel so exposed when I post something. It's a good thing, but I find I don't post stuff because I am afraid of what people will think when they read it. I have too many fears, and so much stuff that I should not be afraid to mention to my friends that do read this blog. I put up a lot of walls lately, and I'm having a hard time taking them back down. I accused Jenna of this last night, but I think I'm the one that is guilty. I realized that as I drove home my walls were up, and I am the reason things were, are or will be weird. I'm ready to make changes, I'm trying to find time to begin going to the gym again. I stopped going in the winter of 2003, and after that I put on 30 lbs. I feel so disgusting in appearence, and I want to change it. I feel very healthy, but I don't look it. I have successfully felt the presence of God in my life. It happened at a ward prayer I went to a few weeks ago. I haven't told anybody about it yet, but I felt something again. The warm sensation you feel when the spirit is near. It sent tingles all over my body, and I cried.... In a nice way....

I'm in love with an old song again. I can't get enough of it. It is on repeat while I'm at work, and it puts me in a place that I want to be in.

*** God of Wine - Third Eye Blind

Every thought that I repent,
There's another chip you haven't spent,
And you're cashing them all in,
Where do we begin. To get clean again,
Can we get clean again.
I walk home alone with you, And the mood you're born into,
Sometimes you let me in, And I take it on the chin.
I can't get clean again. I want to know,
Can we get clean again,

The God of Wine comes crashing through the headlights of a car
that, took you farther than you thought you'd ever want to go,
We can't get back again, We can't get back again

She takes a drink and then she waits,
The alcohol it permeates,
And soon the cells give way, And cancels out the day.

I can't keep it all together (It's been all (or "It's the world)......Stuck underneath the moon), I know I know I know I know I know I know I know...I can't keep it all together
(It's been all......Stuck underneath the moon).
And the siren's song that is your madness,
Holds a truth I can't erase, All alone on your face.

Every glamorous sunrise, Throws the planets out of line,
A star sign out of whack, A fraudulent zodiac.
And the God of Wine is crouched down in my room,
You let me down, I said it,
Now I'm going down, you're not even around.
And I said no no no no no no no no no...

I can't keep it all together,
(It's been all......Stuck underneath the moon),
I know I know I know I know I know I know I know...I can't keep it all together,
(It's been all......Stuck underneath the moon),
And there's a memory of a window, Looking through I see you.
Searching for something, I could never give you,
There's someone who understands you more than I do.
A sadness I can't erase. All alone on your face.

I really don't have much to post. I haven't for about 2 weeks now.

Things are great, and there is nothing new to report. I saw Third Eye Blind last night, that was freaking cool! We're changing the name of the band soon too. I need some good suggestions. Here is a quote that I think deserves some thought:

Think for yourself. Question authority.

Throughout human history, as our species has faced the frightening, terrorizing fact that we do not know who we are, or where we are going in this ocean of chaos, it has been the authorities, the political, the religious, the educational authorities who attempted to comfort us by giving us order, rules, regulations, informing, forming in our minds their view of reality.

To think for yourself you must question authority and learn how to put yourself in a state of vulnerable, open-mindedness; chaotic, confused, vulnerability to inform yourself.

Think for yourself. Question authority

-Timothy Leary

Well hmmm... I don't really completely agree with this quote, but I can't say that I haven't thought about it. Since I have been going back to church (which I missed today) it seems like thoes sort of questoins keep coming into my mind. What if this life is really an amazing set of circumstances where concious life was created? Everything tells me that that is not the case, but is that because I have been told that my whole life? There is a creepy thing to think about. What if we are alone? What if death is the end? What if there is no meaning to life? Argh... he really works on me when I'm trying again...

On that note I close with another song lyric... I have been listening to some Tool this afternoon... if you can't tell.

So glad to see you, I've missed you so much.
So glad it's over, I've missed you so much.
I came here to watch you play, Why are you running away?
Prying open my Third Eye

I feel a lot better today. This weekend sucked again, mostly cause my friends were avoiding me again. I did get to see Rich, and his chain for a few min. It was nice. They were at a pool hall called Ozz here in town. I also saw Adam and Amber there, I love them so much. Worlds most perfect couple, in my mind. He was going to be my brother in law at one point, that didn't work out, but in a way he is still my brother. He married amber, one of my many best friends, and sort of sister. Mike and Darci were there too, I saw Mike's car again, damn I want a WRX. I will have one soon enough. I went to all three hours of my church meetings yesterday. I really like the new Bishopric. They are so friendly, and more importantly they remember my name. I saw a lot of new people in the ward that I don't recognize, but there were some of the old usualls. Peter was there, I think I am still anti-God to him, cause he wouldn't say more than 3 words to me as I passed. Man I hate it when my friends change, or quit listening to me and make assumptions as to what is wrong with ME. That really bugged me, but other than that it was cool. I got the courage to offer my testimony to the congregation, it was cool. Jenna and I had a sort of fight, I think I really pissed her off. I think I deserve it though, she is really trying her best to make everyone around her happy, but it's not working for me. I saw my family a while on Sunday too. That night I went to ward prayer, which was the highlight of my weekend, I met a lot of cool people, and a girl that plays guitar! She actually approached me, and asked me if I played, probably because I was chewing on my pick again. We talked for a while, and she asked me if I would be interested in playing guitar for her and her friends at a bon-fire that they do about 3 times a month. Of course I agreed, I'm always looking for a way to pull an "Intentional Acoustic Romanticism". We exchanged phone numbers, and she told me I should call her. This is where I dig for courage, it has been buried behind so many walls and chains, I don't know how to find it. I'm going to go to FHE tonight, partially because I hope to run into her, and because I need to be social. I think I shot myself in the foot with my friends, and I don't know how to fix it. (I know you are reading this and I'm sorry) I need to get over my fears of how people treat me. My auto defense reactions need to change. I run from everything that may be hard, I can't keep doing that. I'm running out of loved ones. So here I go, I have turned my back to the shadows, and I'm staring into the sun. I can do it... Pray for me...

My long time friend and Bishop died on Saturday...

I'm done. I don't want to be around anymore. I have nothing that makes me happy, or anything I can do for myself to feel better. I want to get out of this place. I want to go to school, I want to have a family, I want to be someone else. Somebody that people want, somebody that they think about, or dream about. I can't find a smile on any of my familiar faces, they are all gone. I need to write a song...

So I went to Colorado this weekend. I had the best time, I left on Thursday afternoon. We rented this really cool truck that I got to drive, oh man it was cool. I got to my Great Grandparents house at about 8 PM, they live in Delta CO, which is about an hour south of Grand Junction. Sort of the middle of nowhere. I don't like that part of colorado, but man there were so mant memories wrapped up in visiting that place. My Great Grand parents are in their late 80's, and for the first time in 50 some odd years my grandpa is not planting a field. It was weird to see his land all empty. The barn was looking more run down, and he is getting shorter. I don't think he will be around much longer. It was cool though. The next morning we drove to Pueblo CO, that place sucks, there are no mountains for about 30 miles, and it is boring. I went to the mall on Saturday and got some new shoes for my suit, and found that the city is really crappy. I did get to hang out with my uncle though. He is totally cool, he plays in a band aswell, they are a cover band, but they are real good. I'm going to sent him my album as soon as we are done (if we ever get done). The wedding was in a Methadist church, which is always fun to check out, then we went to my grandmother's grave. That was real hard, the last time I was there I was at a good place in my life, but now I am worse than I was. It was so lonely there even with my family all around. I knew she was there too, I could feel her. My brother and I held eachother and cried, that rarely happenes. I have not cried in a long time. It felt nice. I need to do it more often, but the tears aren't coming lately. I can't cry when I'm depressed, I'm not sure why. At the reception I saw my entire extended family drink themselves silly. That was sort of fun, but it was really nice. I hope to have that many people at my wedding. That night I drove to Parker CO and stayed with my Cousin and his parents. That was the best part of the trip. We drove by my old house, and saw all the places that I grew up at, I want to move back. That is where I belong. I know it. I just don't want to go alone, I'm already alone here, can you imagine going to another place with only family, and no friends. That would be worse. Some of my friends showed thier true colors while I was gone though, some people said when I returned that they didn't even realize I was gone... Great... Thanks...

... That was my trip. I want to go back soon. Karissa and I talked for about an hour last night. That was so nice. She said she was sorry for being stupid. I didn't so much accept the appology, but it was good to hear. I still don't think I will see her soon. All my other friends have found something better, so I am again searching for another connection to have till that expires. It really is the month of change....

I have a new song that I like... Of course... It is really good, but I don't think I will post the lyrics due to how literal they are. The song is called Make Tonight form Emanuel. That song is so cool! It makes me feel so good listening to it...

I'm done for now...