I can't listen to these songs anymore, it goes straight through me and puts a needle in my heart. It's so painful to say goodbye, I didn't think it was going to be this hard. I love so much, so much bigger than my heart can take. I'm breaking. I cried today, I had to go to the bathroom to hide it. Wow that statement promotes masculinity. But serious, I set my iPod to random, and everything that played hurt, or had a draining affect on me. Sigur Ros - Untitled 6, Taking Back Sunday - New American Classic, Ben Folds - The Luckiest, Smashing Pumpkins - Drown, Our Lady Peace - 4AM. I can't escape even if I leave. Everything will follow me, and I'll still be haunted by the scars in on my heart, and new ones keep forming everyday. Is that all I am, a faint memory or a set of misplaced feelings? What would you think of me now, so lucky, so strong, so proud? I have always thought that was a confident line, but now I know it's sarcasm. I'm not even me.
There are things that I want to just do lately that will confuse people. I want to tell my boss that I quit tomorrow, so I don't snap. I'm trying to schedule a trip for Krista to come out the Denver to visit. She is going to come out for her birthday, and go see Thrice with me. She is real excited. I'm nervous cause I want to have an apartment by then, but with no paycheck until the 24th I don't know if I'll have a place ready. I don't know if I can get a place because of my horrible credit history. I don't want to get out there and not be able to live anywhere because of it. I feel further and further away every day from the family of friends that I placed around me. I'm guessing that is why my dad always made it a big deal that I put my family first. I have never felt good with my family though, and I have always felt better with my friends. But now I won't have anyone to be the family I always had. Plus I won't have my family there for help. I don't think I can do it, I don't want to live in a dive either. A dive in Colorado is the ghetto. I hope when I get out there I can find a place where my credit will not get in the way, and I'm not afraid of my neighbors. I want to buy a car too, and I know I can afford it, but nobody will trust me. I'm already embarrassed enough that a good friend and I couldn't get a place because of me. What am I to do? I also want just one person to ask me to stay, nobody has, which makes me think they want me to be out of their lives. I'm not going to stay, but I just need to be needed. Whatever, I'm done.
I see a halo in the rain around the street light
I stop and look, and listen to the sound
As the raindrops penetrate the silence all around
Alone, I gaze into the glistening street
The distant thunder echoing my heartbeat
Urging me on to a secret goal
Away from the light from this lamp on a pole
So I turn, slip away into the rain
Drifting like a spirit through the shadows in the lane
Clutching the tools of my trade in my hand
An old box of matches and a gasoline can
Darkness envelopes the scene like a shroud
A veil of emptiness hangs from the clouds
Filling up the cracks in this desolate place
Cradled by the night in an icy embrace
Moving to the town like a ghost in the rain
A dim reflection in a dark window pane
Blackness beckons from every side
Creeping all around like an incoming tide
A broken window in an empty house
I slip inside and begin to douse
The whole place with the fuel that will feed the fire
And push back the night, taking me higher
On out of the darkness in a defeaning roar
The match in my hand is the key to the door
A simple turn of the wrist will suffice
To open a passage to paradise
I pause, I think about the past and the gloom
The smell of gasoline permiates the room
Everyone has a little secret he keeps
I light the fires while the city sleeps
The match makes a graceful auk to the floor
And time stands still as I turn for the door
Which expoldes in a fireball and throws me to the street
I hit the ground running with the flames at my feet
Reaching for the night which encoils in the fire
The raindrops hiss like a devilish choir
Dying in the flames with a terrible sound
Calling all the names of the sleepers all around
But then in the arms of the night, they lay
Their dreams sprout wings and fly away
Out of the houses in a gathering flock
Swarming overhead as I hurry down the block
I make my escape with the greatest of ease
And savor the darkness, drop to my knees
And the lightless window, my hand on the latch
I reach in my pocket, and pull out a match
I stop and look, and listen to the sound
As the raindrops penetrate the silence all around
Alone, I gaze into the glistening street
The distant thunder echoing my heartbeat
Urging me on to a secret goal
Away from the light from this lamp on a pole
So I turn, slip away into the rain
Drifting like a spirit through the shadows in the lane
Clutching the tools of my trade in my hand
An old box of matches and a gasoline can
Darkness envelopes the scene like a shroud
A veil of emptiness hangs from the clouds
Filling up the cracks in this desolate place
Cradled by the night in an icy embrace
Moving to the town like a ghost in the rain
A dim reflection in a dark window pane
Blackness beckons from every side
Creeping all around like an incoming tide
A broken window in an empty house
I slip inside and begin to douse
The whole place with the fuel that will feed the fire
And push back the night, taking me higher
On out of the darkness in a defeaning roar
The match in my hand is the key to the door
A simple turn of the wrist will suffice
To open a passage to paradise
I pause, I think about the past and the gloom
The smell of gasoline permiates the room
Everyone has a little secret he keeps
I light the fires while the city sleeps
The match makes a graceful auk to the floor
And time stands still as I turn for the door
Which expoldes in a fireball and throws me to the street
I hit the ground running with the flames at my feet
Reaching for the night which encoils in the fire
The raindrops hiss like a devilish choir
Dying in the flames with a terrible sound
Calling all the names of the sleepers all around
But then in the arms of the night, they lay
Their dreams sprout wings and fly away
Out of the houses in a gathering flock
Swarming overhead as I hurry down the block
I make my escape with the greatest of ease
And savor the darkness, drop to my knees
And the lightless window, my hand on the latch
I reach in my pocket, and pull out a match
Wake, stand and feel your worth, O my soul.
Kneel and know the word that can save us all.
We are fuel and fire both.
We are water.
Wed with wine and ghost.
We are wrought with breath and dirt, washed in second sight.
Woven through the earth, wreathed in rings of light.
Stand and feel your worth, O my soul.
Kneel and know the word, come to die.
We will wield a second birth, whet our wits and knives.
Wrap our knees in earth, wrap ourselves in light.
Wake, we will weigh and drink this cup.
We will burn, but we will not burn up.
Wake, feel your worth, O my soul.
Speak the word, the word that can save us all.
Awed by grace, I fall on my face.
And scream the word that can save us all.
Kneel and know the word that can save us all.
We are fuel and fire both.
We are water.
Wed with wine and ghost.
We are wrought with breath and dirt, washed in second sight.
Woven through the earth, wreathed in rings of light.
Stand and feel your worth, O my soul.
Kneel and know the word, come to die.
We will wield a second birth, whet our wits and knives.
Wrap our knees in earth, wrap ourselves in light.
Wake, we will weigh and drink this cup.
We will burn, but we will not burn up.
Wake, feel your worth, O my soul.
Speak the word, the word that can save us all.
Awed by grace, I fall on my face.
And scream the word that can save us all.
Why does it seem so bleak?
It's on your face for everyone to see.
What have I told you? What have you learned?
What will it take, to get a chance?
It's not easy to be a page in your journal;
In a place where I'll soon be forgot.
All my fears exposed in a moment;
The electric spark has disappeared.
As long as you stay, all that you'll have is an empty hope.
And as long as I'm here, you’ll never know what you have.
Can you see past the cloud?
The one you fastened to your mind?
What is it you do see, what keeps you alive?
As long as you pray, things will continue to confuse you.
And as long as I'm here, all that I am is an empty hope.
Grow Up and get stronger. Find yourself, find your imposter.
The world is a beautiful place that should not be ignored,
But there is so much more, for you to understand.
As long as you stay, all that you'll have is an empty hope.
And as long as I'm here, you’ll never know what you have.
***
So I wrote that today, it's sort of an experimental lyric. I'm really not good at writing them, but please give me your thoughts. Maybe i'll put it to music one day if you like it.
It's on your face for everyone to see.
What have I told you? What have you learned?
What will it take, to get a chance?
It's not easy to be a page in your journal;
In a place where I'll soon be forgot.
All my fears exposed in a moment;
The electric spark has disappeared.
As long as you stay, all that you'll have is an empty hope.
And as long as I'm here, you’ll never know what you have.
Can you see past the cloud?
The one you fastened to your mind?
What is it you do see, what keeps you alive?
As long as you pray, things will continue to confuse you.
And as long as I'm here, all that I am is an empty hope.
Grow Up and get stronger. Find yourself, find your imposter.
The world is a beautiful place that should not be ignored,
But there is so much more, for you to understand.
As long as you stay, all that you'll have is an empty hope.
And as long as I'm here, you’ll never know what you have.
***
So I wrote that today, it's sort of an experimental lyric. I'm really not good at writing them, but please give me your thoughts. Maybe i'll put it to music one day if you like it.
My Music Stats
Perform the following items in iTunes and fill in your results you can make it your comment if you like, or post it on your blog. I actually used my iPod library for this event.
Player:ITUNES - iPod Library
How many songs? 3108
Sort by song title
First: "Halo" - Halo Soundtrack --- I'm a geek.
Last: Zoe Jane - Staind
Sort by time
First: R.K. Intro - Our Lady Peace
Last: Shine On You Crazy Diamond - Pink Floyd
Sort by album:
First: ( ) - Sigur Ros
Last: You'd Prefer an Astronaut - Hum
Top Five Most Played Songs:
1 - Track 1 - Saosin
2 - Welcome Home - Coheed and Cambria
3 - Five Hundred Promises - Broke
4 - Untitled 6 - Sigur Ros
5 - Pillow Fight - Terminal
First song that comes up on Shuffle:
Lucky Man - The Verve
Find “sex.” How many songs come up?
10 - 6 of them are 311 songs where the composer is Chad Sexton the others have Sex in the title.
Find “death.” How many songs come up?
28
Find “love.” How many songs come up?
50 that is not counting any song from Clover where the love in the word came up.
Perform the following items in iTunes and fill in your results you can make it your comment if you like, or post it on your blog. I actually used my iPod library for this event.
Player:ITUNES - iPod Library
How many songs? 3108
Sort by song title
First: "Halo" - Halo Soundtrack --- I'm a geek.
Last: Zoe Jane - Staind
Sort by time
First: R.K. Intro - Our Lady Peace
Last: Shine On You Crazy Diamond - Pink Floyd
Sort by album:
First: ( ) - Sigur Ros
Last: You'd Prefer an Astronaut - Hum
Top Five Most Played Songs:
1 - Track 1 - Saosin
2 - Welcome Home - Coheed and Cambria
3 - Five Hundred Promises - Broke
4 - Untitled 6 - Sigur Ros
5 - Pillow Fight - Terminal
First song that comes up on Shuffle:
Lucky Man - The Verve
Find “sex.” How many songs come up?
10 - 6 of them are 311 songs where the composer is Chad Sexton the others have Sex in the title.
Find “death.” How many songs come up?
28
Find “love.” How many songs come up?
50 that is not counting any song from Clover where the love in the word came up.
This song has so much more meaning to me from the place I am right now. I heard it on my lunch break, and it hit me hard... I don't think I can do this.
***
Speak to me in a language I can hear
Humour me before I have to go
Deep in thought I forgive everyone
As the cluttered streets greet me once again
I know I can't be late, supper's waiting on the table
Tomorrow's just an excuse away
So I pull my collar up and face the cold, on my own
The earth laughs beneath my heavy feet
At the blasphemy in my old jangly walk
Steeple guide me to my heart and home
The sun is out and up and down again
I know I'll make it, love can last forever
Graceful swans of never topple to the earth
And you can make it last, forever you
You can make it last, forever you
And for a moment I lose myself
Wrapped up in the pleasures of the world
I've journeyed here and there and back again
But in the same old haunts I still find my friends
Mysteries not ready to reveal
Sympathies I'm ready to return
I'll make the effort, love can last forever
Graceful swans of never topple to the earth
Tomorrow's just an excuse
And you can make it last, forever you
You can make it last, forever you
***
Speak to me in a language I can hear
Humour me before I have to go
Deep in thought I forgive everyone
As the cluttered streets greet me once again
I know I can't be late, supper's waiting on the table
Tomorrow's just an excuse away
So I pull my collar up and face the cold, on my own
The earth laughs beneath my heavy feet
At the blasphemy in my old jangly walk
Steeple guide me to my heart and home
The sun is out and up and down again
I know I'll make it, love can last forever
Graceful swans of never topple to the earth
And you can make it last, forever you
You can make it last, forever you
And for a moment I lose myself
Wrapped up in the pleasures of the world
I've journeyed here and there and back again
But in the same old haunts I still find my friends
Mysteries not ready to reveal
Sympathies I'm ready to return
I'll make the effort, love can last forever
Graceful swans of never topple to the earth
Tomorrow's just an excuse
And you can make it last, forever you
You can make it last, forever you
Come sit besides me in the dying light
What storms the morning brings, we'll weather all right
Your hand in my hand
And as we sit here, huddled in the gloom
Paradise seems strangely close;
Close to home.
I really don't know how to act right now. I'm looking at leaving my home of 12 years. I have lived here longer than any other place on earth. I'm going back to where I thought I always wanted to go, but I find myself more scared every day. There are people I really don't want to leave. I even got pissed at them when they were planning on it. (I'm sorry) How do I say what I really feel to all these people. Some of them may need to go unspoken, but I need to get a few of them out. What I have felt for the last few years all needs to be said. I have a lot to say to Christena, and Krista. I think I have said all I needed to ever say to Sarah, I already appologized for all the crap I pulled. I just feel like there is so much for me to close before I go. Now I have a month to do it.
What storms the morning brings, we'll weather all right
Your hand in my hand
And as we sit here, huddled in the gloom
Paradise seems strangely close;
Close to home.
I really don't know how to act right now. I'm looking at leaving my home of 12 years. I have lived here longer than any other place on earth. I'm going back to where I thought I always wanted to go, but I find myself more scared every day. There are people I really don't want to leave. I even got pissed at them when they were planning on it. (I'm sorry) How do I say what I really feel to all these people. Some of them may need to go unspoken, but I need to get a few of them out. What I have felt for the last few years all needs to be said. I have a lot to say to Christena, and Krista. I think I have said all I needed to ever say to Sarah, I already appologized for all the crap I pulled. I just feel like there is so much for me to close before I go. Now I have a month to do it.
So I'm 90% sure I'm moving to Colorado. I had a job offer extended to me, and I have always wanted to go back there. If I hate it I'll be back in 6 months, but I don't think I'll hate it. I'm just scared. When I think about moving I think of all the things I'm leaving behind. Steve and my music. My family, Rich and Bryan.... Jenna. It's hard to think about leaving these people behind. I know God put them in my life for a reason. I know some of these friendships have had their run, but I know there are deeper things still for some of them. How will this be productive to my life's goals? I want to go to college, and get knowledge! I don't know how good the schools are in Denver. UVSC is the little college that could. It really is something cool, and I am afraid for what my potential can be in Colorado. I think church attendance will improve since that is where I will find my friends. Cody lives in Idaho now and I will only see him when he comes home for a while. To become 100% sure I need to hear from the guy who said he wanted to hire me, and discuss money. I need to make about 30000 a year for me to move and feel comfortable. In thinking about moving I think about all the things I want to do before I go. I want to convince Adam to play drums with us for a few weeks so Valence can have one last show. Even if Steve and I played an acoustic set of all of the songs we wrote over the last 3 years that would be cool. I want to drive to Wendover for a weekend and play some poker at a casino. The nearest casino in Colorado is in cripple creek, which is really just slots and craps. I want to throw a party with all my friends over the last 5 years. In fact if I can pull it off maybe a party/concert!? hmmm.... I'm thinking a million miles an hour. Any suggestions?
