Kr5istofer's Thoughts

Denver 30 - 10

My boys make me proud.

I HAD TO WRITE THIS A SECOND TIME BECAUSE BLOGGER DECIDED TO HAVE THIER SESSIONS EXPIRE!!!!

I needed a good weekend to help me get out of this pit I have been in. I have felt so invisible to all my friends recently. But I realized that I am partially to blame for that. I haven’t exactly been willing to share my thoughts or feelings. I closed up, and didn’t want to share. I don’t know why I do this when I’m hurt or dealing with something that is hard. I also am too concerned with how my friends enjoy doing the things that I do. I want to share who I am with these people, but if they don’t enjoy it than I have no reason to be so open I guess. I have tried to let go of that mind frame, and I think I did a good job of it this weekend. I donno, I’m just sort of detached from who I really am.

Last week was sort of frustrating at work, I had no motivation again. The quarter ended and I didn’t meet any of my goals, I had 8 hours of No Pay, and I was late a lot last quarter. They moved me to a place where I can feel like I’m part of this department, and not just a pawn. I finally got my desk move with the rest of the team, and that is helping a lot. I didn’t dread coming to work today, and I didn’t feel like I was going to be bored for 8 hours of the day. I know in the coming quarter I will be able to catch up. I hope I don’t get written up for my poor performance.

Friday really sucked, I thought I had plans, but I really didn’t. I got my hair cut and some new shirts. Then I spent the rest of the night wondering if I had friends. I called a few people, but I couldn’t find anyone that was not on a date or with their other half. Man I hate not being dateable. So I spent Friday alone. I used the be the person everyone called or wanted around. What happened? Did I do it to myself or did my value as a friend just disappear? Whatever, it was a low point that is for sure. Saturday I started early it was the day of the Big Ass Show. I got up at 8 and went to go get my ticket from Arielle. She was so kind to give me a ticket. Jenna picked me up and we went and got spin then it was off to the show! We missed the first 4 bands, but I only really wanted to see 1 of them, Broke. We watched Hawthorne Heights, which was okay, but nothing special. We mostly just wandered around the park. I didn’t watch many of the bands. We met up with Steve, McCall, Park and his new wife I think Shannon? We watched 30 Seconds to Mars, which was awesome, ‘The Letto’ sure does look like a rock star. The band did very well though aside from some sloppy moments in Attack. I attribute that to being a rock start and playing way too early in the day. I ran into my old friend Joel, who just moved back from the east coast with is wife. I haven’t seen him in a long time, and it was awesome to catch up with him. We are probably going to chill this week. After that we just sort of rested. I watched 2 songs from Cold and Story of The Year. The sound sucked though, and I had to leave. The Live and Local stage was lame too, but that is okay because 1 thing made up for the whole lack of show. Our Lady Peace. Look at them in all their Majesty! We waited for about 20 min for them to play, but we were 10 feet from the stage. They came on and completely blew me away. They played about 4 new songs where were awesome live, and some old stuff. I almost cried during Somewhere Out There, it was hard to hear that song live. The last time I did I was with Sarah, and that was our song. I managed not to cry which was good, cause I would look like a pussy in front of all the posers. The show was awesome especially when they closed with Supernan’s Dead. (Yes Spin the apostrophe is supposed to be there) I lost my voice from yelling and screaming the lyrics, it’s still a little weird. We left after that, nothing could compare to how good OLP was, and The Used would have ruined the feeling that I had. It was an awesome day, and I could not have asked for a better show. On Sunday I just slept all day. It was nice, then Jenna did the nicest thing she could have done for me. She had everyone play settlers at 6 instead of later so I could get some sleep. …Thank you so much friend, you don’t know how much that meant to me… Baker also made dinner which was awesome, and I ended my weekend feeling so much better about things, and like I’m a little way out of the pit of my problems. I just don’t want to go back down.

I know I have posted this song before, but It's so true to me right now, and I need to post it again.

***

Every thought that I repent,
There's another chip you haven't spent,
And you're cashing them all in, Where do we begin.
To get clean again,
Can we get clean again.
I walk home alone with you,
And the mood you're born into,
Sometimes you let me in,
And I take it on the chin. I can't get clean again.
I want to know,
Can we get clean again,

The God of Wine comes crashing through,
The headlights of a car that took you farther
than you thought you'd ever want to go,
We can't get back again,
We can't get back again,
She takes a drink and then she waits,
The alcohol it permeates.
And soon the cells give way,
And cancels out the day,

I can't keep it all together,
I know...I can't keep it all together,
And the siren's song that is your madness,
Holds a truth I can't erase,
All alone on your face,
Every glamorous sunrise,
Throws the planets out of line,
A star sign out of whack A fraudulent zodiac.

And the God of Wine is crouched down in my room,
You let me down,
I said it, Now I'm going down,
And you're not even around.
And I said no...
I can't keep it all together,
I know...I can't keep it all together,

And there's a memory of a window,
Looking through
I see you.
Searching for something,
I could never give you,
And there's someone who understands you,
More than I do.
A sadness I can't erase.
All alone on your face.

I have so much to be excited for, but the excitement is being drowned by stress and lack of sleep. I'm constantly late for work. They haven't said anything to me about it yet, but I expect they will real soon. I can't sleep. I went to bed at 10:30 last night, but I just layette awake until 12:30 or so, and the 6:00 alarm comes way to soon. So I snooze and call in and say I won't be in till 9 and then I make an extra effort to be productive and valuable. Whatever, I need to change something I guess so I can sleep again. So last night I had a Math test I wasn't ready for. I know the math, but I don't know all the properties or vocab words like they want. So I think I did poorly. I'm not going to my MC class tonight either I need a break. A real break where I have nothing to worry about. I only get 1,200 for financial aide this week when I was expecting twice that. I must have read something wrong. I have no motivation anymore. I just want to get on with my life, and let everything pass me by, I feel like I'm 80 years old. I don't care much for all my memories or past friends. My favorite band in the whole world is playing in two days and while I'm excited I can't feel anything. I'm numb from all the pretending. "I'm not okay, I'm not o-Fucking-kay!" I'm not really sad either like I said earlier, just sort of blah. I'm sure I'll be out of it soon. I'm just too self conscious, I'm embarrassed to be me, and that is not cool. God doesn't give me answers, and If he does they are too cryptic for me to understand. I don't have the mental capacity to think right now. I'm fried, and I need to just do simple things. Steve and I are going to play guitar tonight. I have needed that for a long time, I miss playing and singing and writing. I can't really write right now though, some sort of temporary lapse of creativity. At least I hope it's temporary. Anyway I don't have time to write anymore. I have a project to work on. So yeah...

Okay so I am so excited I almost don't sleep at night anymore. If found out about 3 months ago that one of my top 5 favorite bands will be playing a show in Las Vegas. I decided at that moment that I was not going to let anything stop me. Well I couldn't find anyone that really wanted to go. I have to admit that Sigur Rós is not the easiest music to understand or appreciate, after all the lyrics are in Icelandic or some made up language that the lead singer Jonsi made up. I love it though, it's almost as if every song has been crafted for you to have a heartbreak or healing. It is the best music to listen to when I am alone, or feeling sad. So I guess this would be the best time to listen, or to see them, seeing as I'm pretty sad lately. So I couldn't find anyone to go with me, not for lack of trying. I didn't realize that my friend Spin liked the band too, and his family lives in Vegas. So I asked him if he would want to go to Vegas and see a concert. He said hell yeah, so I got that taken care of, now to find tickets. Tickets went on sale about 2 months ago, and the only ones I could find were in the corners, then one day they were all gone. So I decided to check a broker. $115 per ticket, but I had decided to just spend it and do it. I had a friend who through an act of repentance from that broker had a $100 off coupon. He was generous enough to let me use it, which reminds me I still owe you dinner Sean! So I got them and they came today. Spin mentioned that his parents arranged a free condo in Vegas for us, so that makes it even better. I will have a vacation sort of. I have been listening to the new album non stop, and I don't really ever see myself getting tired of it. You do have to be in a certain mood to listen to them though. I tend to listen to them when I want to change something in my life, or I am going through something hard. Which I am for both... I highly recommend the entire collection. ( ) being my favorite so far, but I'm still deciding about Takk the new one. I'll see if Spin would be gracious enough to let me post yet another MP3 on his server so I can link to it here. Maybe I'll write a review of the album. I have always wanted to do that.

So I have been hinting around the fact that I'm sad right now, and I'm sure you can tell by my other posts. But I'm not ready to talk about it yet. If anybody knows who I am it would be good to know... Maybe you could pass it along to me?

So yeah, such is life I guess.

***

What have I become?
My sweetest friend.
Everyone I know goes away in the end
And you could have it all,
my empire of dirt.
I will let you down.
I will make you hurt.

***

So I'm a Feral Child again... I don't know where I fit with anyone anymore. I thought I did, but then a slap across my face happened last week, which I thought I could be cool with, but I'm not. It has caused me to withdraw, and close up. Is that normal, or is that my reflex to an embarrassing situation. I can't really post what I want to say because too many people read this that know me, and it would be damaging for so many people for me to say it.

Who have I been kidding? I know who I am, and I don't think that will ever change. I'm a Harrison, someone condemned to uncertainness and poor health. I can have all the faith in the world, but I don't think I will ever have the things, I have been promised It's to late. I don't think I will ever be loved like I need to be. I'm just going to have to settle if I want anything from life. I have been looking for something that does not exist, and I need to give up.

So yeah... I don't know what to say anymore. I have nothing to share, I have no security anywhere, and no strength to hold myself up anymore. I have always been good at being the picked on kid, maybe I should try that again, and quit running from who I am. I need to pull down my mask and show everyone who I was, and am.

I can't function, I can't breathe. I can't stand, can't think, can't leave.
But I can be brave, I can persevere. I can put on the armor, and turn to face my fear.
~IT WAS ME!

I'm sick and can't get better. I talked with my supervisor today and arranged to be on a slightly later shift. I come in at 8 now and leave at 4:30... Yay half hour lunch, I'm thrilled. I don't have much me time right now, and even if I did it would be wasted. I donno, when I feel like this all my motivation to be better leaves, and I want to do something like go to Vegas and blow some money, or revert back to the place I was last summer. I really don't want that, but I'm seeking some sort of temporary release. I have the opportunity that is for sure.

I'm pretty sure I'll be written up at work today. I had No Pay Yesterday, and I'm late today, plus I just got in trouble for wearing flip flops to work. I only did because I ran out the door as fast as I could. I can't do this anymore. Something needs to change for me in my personal life so my professional life doesn't seem so bad. I called an old friend yesterday to wish her happy birthday, her name is Jessica, I found out that she just divorced her husband. I'm happy for her. They were better as friends than they were married. We're going to take her to dinner tonight. (Bryan, Peter and I) I hope we can help her know that she has friends.

Anyway... I don't really know what to write today so I'm going to just finish and maybe pick up later.

So that was a weekend. Cody came out from Colorado on Thursday and we got to chill for a while. Unfortunately I was unable to go to California and Jenna couldn't go either, so I made the best of it. On Friday we had a Bon Fire with Tiave, Dan and Some of their dance friends. It was fun Cody came up with some of his friends from work in Colorado and joined us. We all had a blast, accept Shit-brick started being stupid to Jenna again. I don't think I'll say much about that. I don't know who reads this... Saturday was fun. I slept till noon and then Jenna I and I went shopping, sort of. We rented Paintball guns and bought some Camo clothes for a paint ball game we were going to play on Monday. It was fun, then up the canyon again for a BBQ with Rich and Adam for their birthdays. It was cool, we had a pavilion with power, so we could play music, and talk. A lot of people came, and it was so good to see them. Karissa showed up, which was real nice. I'm glad she is okay, but I'm still sort of weird about the whole thing still, man I suck! After the BBQ I went to bed. Sunday was lazy, I slept most of the day off and on, I played a bit o' halo, and then to be honest I don't remember. Oh yeah, doughnuts, and watching lightning. That was cool. I had a good talk with my best friend, and it was awesome. Monday morning I went paintballing! Totally rocked! Sarah was there, which was weird, but I had so much fun playing with Joseph and Jonathan Barley again. I miss those kids. Rich and Adam wanted to celebrate their b-day that way. It was fun. I tried to sleep most of the afternoon, but I couldn't. I then went to Spanish Fork to see Debbie, James, and Terra. It was cool to see them again. I had Dinner with Deb's family. They are so nice. Terra asked me if I would take her to Homecoming. This is a first for me, being asked out like that, but I know she wants me to "take" her, so I agreed, I don't think UVSC does one, so I'll have to find an alternative. I hope Terra is okay, she called me a few nights ago crying because all of her empty hopes have left her. I thought I was in a hard place... Terra is so trusting that she often gets walked on or taken advantage of. She misplaces or mistrusts her heart to the wrong people all the time. She is like a sister to me, and I want to help, but I don't know how. I want to tell her to go to church, find a real hobby, or find something that really makes her happy, instead of relying on other people to tell her what should make her happy. James and I talked about stuff that he is working on that totally excited me. He is working on a book about the life of Moroni, for those who do not know who he is, he is one of the Prophets that wrote the Book of Mormon. He is actually my favorite, and in my opinion the most interesting character in the whole book. James invited me to come and read some of it. He also told me that there is this girl that is prefect for me. He wants me to meet her. She just converted to the Church and has had a hard time. James told me that he felt like he was prompted to have us meet. Weird. I donno about that... Anyway. I'm going to go out with her sometime soon. I plan to go see James next weekend. Well that's the weekend...

That would be sweet if I could do them all, but I will have to make some careful decisions.