So I got back from Colorado last night at about midnight. This trip was so good for me, I needed the break. We left at about midnight on Friday after a killer company BBQ. We played Poker and Halo, Good Freaking Times! After that we packed up and took off. Nothing really huge happened while I was there. We celebrated Jenna's birthday while we were there too. I think she finally had a good birthday. I'm still trying to figure out what to get her for her Birthday, even though it is late. I got to chill with Cody on Saturday night. We went to Taco Bell and bought a lot of food, then we went to Wal-Mart and passed some out to people, and had some fun. I bought a CD there from Thrice. IT TOTALLY KICKS ASS!!! I will come back to that thought. The next day was Sunday, and Tiffany was supposed to come up from Colorado Springs to see me. She never came and her phone was always going to Voicemail. I tried calling her all day and all weekend, but She never answered. I hope she is okay. I am worried sick. I'm going to try and call her tonight, but I don't think I will get through. If I don't I'm going to call her family and have them try and find her. I went with the Bradford's to Denver that night to have dinner with Janet's brother. I had a blast. I was tired and worried about my cousin, but other than that it was fun. I want to move to Denver though. There is something about that place that lights me up. Some people keep trying to tell me to move there and that it is worth the loneliness and heartache. I don't think it is... I am nothing without feeling loved. Cody and I talked about moving in together, and going to CSU in Fort Collins. I would like that, but I have to get good enough grades this next semester to get me into a University. I would miss some people here too much for me to be healthy in another place. On Monday I went shopping at the Castle Rock Outlet Stores. I bought some shoes and spent some money at the Gap. It was cool. Then we just went home. Good times for a good weekend. Now I have found a new song of the moment. I would post it as the song of the day, but I still don't have anywhere to host the song. I NEED TO FIND SOME WEBSPACE!!!!
Here are the lyrics. Please be resourceful and find this song online. I will be happy to share it with you if you ask me though.
***
Thrice - The Artist in the Ambulance
late night, brakes lock, hear the tires squeal
red light, can't stop so i spin the wheel
my world goes black before i feel an angel lift me up
and i open bloodshot eyes into fluorescent white
they flip the siren, hit the lights, close the doors and i am gone
now i lay here owing my life to a stranger
and i realize that empty words are not enough
i'm left here with the question of just
what have i to show except the promises i never kept?
i lie here shaking on this bed, under the weight of my regrets
i hope that i will never let you down
i know that this can be more than just flashing lights and sound
look around and you'll see that at times it feels like no one really cares
it gets me down but i'm still gonna try to do what's right, i know that there's
a difference between sleight of hand, and giving everything you have
there's a line drawn in the sand, i'm working up the will to cross it and
rhetoric can't raise the dead
i'm sick of always talking when there's no change
rhetoric can't raise the dead
i'm sick of empty words, let's lead and not follow
late night, brakes lock, hear the tires squeal
red light, can't stop so i spin the wheel
my world goes black before i feel an angel steal me from the
greedy jaws of death and chance, and pull me in with steady hands
they've given me a second chance, the artist in the ambulance
can we pick you off the ground, more than flashing lights and sound
Here are the lyrics. Please be resourceful and find this song online. I will be happy to share it with you if you ask me though.
***
Thrice - The Artist in the Ambulance
late night, brakes lock, hear the tires squeal
red light, can't stop so i spin the wheel
my world goes black before i feel an angel lift me up
and i open bloodshot eyes into fluorescent white
they flip the siren, hit the lights, close the doors and i am gone
now i lay here owing my life to a stranger
and i realize that empty words are not enough
i'm left here with the question of just
what have i to show except the promises i never kept?
i lie here shaking on this bed, under the weight of my regrets
i hope that i will never let you down
i know that this can be more than just flashing lights and sound
look around and you'll see that at times it feels like no one really cares
it gets me down but i'm still gonna try to do what's right, i know that there's
a difference between sleight of hand, and giving everything you have
there's a line drawn in the sand, i'm working up the will to cross it and
rhetoric can't raise the dead
i'm sick of always talking when there's no change
rhetoric can't raise the dead
i'm sick of empty words, let's lead and not follow
late night, brakes lock, hear the tires squeal
red light, can't stop so i spin the wheel
my world goes black before i feel an angel steal me from the
greedy jaws of death and chance, and pull me in with steady hands
they've given me a second chance, the artist in the ambulance
can we pick you off the ground, more than flashing lights and sound
So not much has happened since I last posted. Things are very good, and weird at the same time. Let me just go over what has been happening for the last few days.
Friday - Work was good, I got out of there at a decent time. Jenna spoiled me. She took me to dinner and to see Star Wars again. I think she wanted to bribe me into talking again, and it worked. I opened up about my relationship with God. It has been bothering me a lot. I'm not the best kid, but I try, and these road blocks get in my way sometime. At the end of the night there were two things I was sure of. 1) I need to be patient with my repentance, and 2) I have the best friend in the world.
Saturday - I got to play with a BIG ASS sound system. It has been so long. I wish it was for a band I enjoyed, but you can't always win. It felt good to go back to that stuff gain. I miss working sound for the summer theater productions. It was a hot day, and I worked from 9 till 7 on it. Wasn't bad. After that I went up the canyon for some BBQ hamburgers with Adam and Amber. It was so good to see them again, I have missed them so much. I think they are finally out of the Honeymoon phase since they weren't able to have one before he was shipped to Iraq. They are the coolest couple. That night we went to Their house and watched Muppet Treasure Island. Rich and Rochelle came, so did Mike and Darsi, but the coolest thing was my friend Dave was there. He is home on leave from California. It was good to see him, but I think we are having less and less to talk about. After the movie we all raced home and Rich, Mike and I played Halo till 4AM. Good Times.
Sunday - I went to Church for an hour, just for Sacrament Meeting, then Jenna and I ditched and went up the canyon with some food and talked about her date on Saturday. Later we went back home and slept for a few hours. It felt so nice to rest that day. Later we watched Star Wars with her family, then walked around the park for a few hours. I hadn't done something like that for a long time. The stars came out, and all the familiar Summer constellations were there. I saw Sarah's star, and it was cool to be able to look at it and not get all emotional and crappy. Another sign that I'm better off without her. Jenna and I had a long talk about some things that are bothering her, and as a result I think I got a little pissed off. I tend to think and feel to much when it comes to people I care about. I think I closed off.
Monday - I worked on Monday, and my Tax return came. So of course I want to blow it, so I take Jenna to P.F. Chang's for dinner. It was sweet. I was also able to get a lot off my chest about the night before. I went home early and did some laundry, and mostly just rested.
Tuesday - Was work again... Everything was great. Steve and I went to the studio and worked on our music again. It is really coming together. I can't wait for everyone to hear. Brady our "drummer" showed up at about 8:30 and we played till 9:30. Steve and I decided not to use him as a drummer. Some of our songs are getting so complicated that a drummer has to be able to count and change on the fly. He couldn't so we're hoping Adam (Steve's Friend) will play with us for the summer. I somehow ended up back home that night with Jenna and my roommate arguing over some weird things. I just worked on my guitar, cleaning it and all sorts of cool stuff. Then it happened. He asked me again. I thought it was over... I was wrong... So here goes another round of emotions.
So yeah, I don't think I have ever posted anything so detailed, and I don't think I will again, but it was fun. Wasn't it?
P.S. Sorry I haven't changed the song of the day. I will as soon as I find a host.
Friday - Work was good, I got out of there at a decent time. Jenna spoiled me. She took me to dinner and to see Star Wars again. I think she wanted to bribe me into talking again, and it worked. I opened up about my relationship with God. It has been bothering me a lot. I'm not the best kid, but I try, and these road blocks get in my way sometime. At the end of the night there were two things I was sure of. 1) I need to be patient with my repentance, and 2) I have the best friend in the world.
Saturday - I got to play with a BIG ASS sound system. It has been so long. I wish it was for a band I enjoyed, but you can't always win. It felt good to go back to that stuff gain. I miss working sound for the summer theater productions. It was a hot day, and I worked from 9 till 7 on it. Wasn't bad. After that I went up the canyon for some BBQ hamburgers with Adam and Amber. It was so good to see them again, I have missed them so much. I think they are finally out of the Honeymoon phase since they weren't able to have one before he was shipped to Iraq. They are the coolest couple. That night we went to Their house and watched Muppet Treasure Island. Rich and Rochelle came, so did Mike and Darsi, but the coolest thing was my friend Dave was there. He is home on leave from California. It was good to see him, but I think we are having less and less to talk about. After the movie we all raced home and Rich, Mike and I played Halo till 4AM. Good Times.
Sunday - I went to Church for an hour, just for Sacrament Meeting, then Jenna and I ditched and went up the canyon with some food and talked about her date on Saturday. Later we went back home and slept for a few hours. It felt so nice to rest that day. Later we watched Star Wars with her family, then walked around the park for a few hours. I hadn't done something like that for a long time. The stars came out, and all the familiar Summer constellations were there. I saw Sarah's star, and it was cool to be able to look at it and not get all emotional and crappy. Another sign that I'm better off without her. Jenna and I had a long talk about some things that are bothering her, and as a result I think I got a little pissed off. I tend to think and feel to much when it comes to people I care about. I think I closed off.
Monday - I worked on Monday, and my Tax return came. So of course I want to blow it, so I take Jenna to P.F. Chang's for dinner. It was sweet. I was also able to get a lot off my chest about the night before. I went home early and did some laundry, and mostly just rested.
Tuesday - Was work again... Everything was great. Steve and I went to the studio and worked on our music again. It is really coming together. I can't wait for everyone to hear. Brady our "drummer" showed up at about 8:30 and we played till 9:30. Steve and I decided not to use him as a drummer. Some of our songs are getting so complicated that a drummer has to be able to count and change on the fly. He couldn't so we're hoping Adam (Steve's Friend) will play with us for the summer. I somehow ended up back home that night with Jenna and my roommate arguing over some weird things. I just worked on my guitar, cleaning it and all sorts of cool stuff. Then it happened. He asked me again. I thought it was over... I was wrong... So here goes another round of emotions.
So yeah, I don't think I have ever posted anything so detailed, and I don't think I will again, but it was fun. Wasn't it?
P.S. Sorry I haven't changed the song of the day. I will as soon as I find a host.
"If you let me have my way I swear I'll tear you apart"
So am I self destructive? I haven't eaten since I had a granola bar yesterday at work. I'm hungry, but I don't feel like eating. Maybe I'm sick...
I'm going recording with my band tomorrow night. We're just going to lay down some new songs we're working on. There are a few new songs that totally kick ass, and need to be worked on. I have began screaming again... in my music. It feels so good, and I think with the direction that my music is heading it will totally work. I though it sounded very good the other night when we were messing around with our songs. We are sort of "emo-ing" up our songs too. More punk roots to them, with a lot of feeling and emotion in the lyrics. I think we will have something really cool. A lot of people in the local scene are wondering when we are going to play again. I will put my songs up here as songs of the day soon so anyone wondering what I sound like can hear. I just have to find a host that will allow that kind of bandwidth.
I keep having dreams that scare me, nothing like a bad dream, but stuff like worst fears coming true in my dreams. Sometimes my dreams seem so real that I don't know the difference. Things are happening... I don't know how to talk about it. This is my personal journal so sorry if you are getting to know more about me than you ever wanted. I'm even more sorry that I can't be more descriptive of what is happening to me or why I'm so weird. I think I'll figure it out soon.
So am I self destructive? I haven't eaten since I had a granola bar yesterday at work. I'm hungry, but I don't feel like eating. Maybe I'm sick...
I'm going recording with my band tomorrow night. We're just going to lay down some new songs we're working on. There are a few new songs that totally kick ass, and need to be worked on. I have began screaming again... in my music. It feels so good, and I think with the direction that my music is heading it will totally work. I though it sounded very good the other night when we were messing around with our songs. We are sort of "emo-ing" up our songs too. More punk roots to them, with a lot of feeling and emotion in the lyrics. I think we will have something really cool. A lot of people in the local scene are wondering when we are going to play again. I will put my songs up here as songs of the day soon so anyone wondering what I sound like can hear. I just have to find a host that will allow that kind of bandwidth.
I keep having dreams that scare me, nothing like a bad dream, but stuff like worst fears coming true in my dreams. Sometimes my dreams seem so real that I don't know the difference. Things are happening... I don't know how to talk about it. This is my personal journal so sorry if you are getting to know more about me than you ever wanted. I'm even more sorry that I can't be more descriptive of what is happening to me or why I'm so weird. I think I'll figure it out soon.
So Vegas was cool. I didn't loose more than 4 dollars cause I only played with 4 dollars. It wasn't bad at all. I got a lot of thinking done while driving home. I drove most the trip home since Luke had to teach in the morning. It was nice. I love listening to my music and thinking... Being me. I listened to a CD I bought last summer from a band called Brand New. I didn't appreciate it much then, but on this trip it hit me so hard. I don't think I was ready for that music than. The last post I put on here was a song from them. I found that my suspicions were right about a few things. The moment I heard it my walls went up. They aren't coming down like they usually do either. I hate protecting myself. I wish I could trust everyone.
Why do I get different answers from you? You of all I should trust most. I know I'm supposed to learn, I know I haven't been that faithful, but why have the answers in my heart been different from what you really have in mind? I will do whatever it takes, but I need to have some sort of stability in that area. I know I could have been wrong, but so many times? I trust the feeling in my heart, and I want to trust you. I know I need to trust you more, but it is hard when I feel misguided, or misled. I love you more and more each day, and I am grateful for your help, sacrifices, angels, and love. I will keep trying, but I don't know how much more faith I can have...
So yeah, that was a lot for me, I hope YOU, the reader, will understand. I don't feel like explaining. Sometimes I wish I was oblivious to my world, but I can't be.
Why do I get different answers from you? You of all I should trust most. I know I'm supposed to learn, I know I haven't been that faithful, but why have the answers in my heart been different from what you really have in mind? I will do whatever it takes, but I need to have some sort of stability in that area. I know I could have been wrong, but so many times? I trust the feeling in my heart, and I want to trust you. I know I need to trust you more, but it is hard when I feel misguided, or misled. I love you more and more each day, and I am grateful for your help, sacrifices, angels, and love. I will keep trying, but I don't know how much more faith I can have...
So yeah, that was a lot for me, I hope YOU, the reader, will understand. I don't feel like explaining. Sometimes I wish I was oblivious to my world, but I can't be.
Ask me what it's like to have myself so figured out...
0 Comments Published by Kr5is on Monday, May 16, 2005 at 4:47 PM.
i am heaven sent,
don't you dare forget.
i am all you've ever wanted,
what all the other boys all promised.
sorry i told. i just needed you to know.
i think in decimals and dollars.
i am the cause to all your problems,
shelter from cold. we are never alone.
coordinate brain and mouth.
then ask me whats it like to have
myself so figured out.
i wish i knew..
i hope this song starts a craze.
the kind of song that ignites the airwaves.
the kind of song that makes people glad
to be where they are,
with whoever they're there with.
this is war.
every line is about,
who i don't wanna write about anymore.
hope you come down with something
they can't diagnose, don't have the cure for.
holding on to your grudge.
oh its so hard to have someone to love.
and keeping quiet is hard.
cuz you cant keep a secret
if it never was a secret to start.
at least pretend you didn't wanna get caught..
we're concentrating on falling apart.
we were contenders, we're throwing the fight
but i just wanna believe, i just wanna believe,
i just wanna believe, in us.
Oh, we're so c-c-c-c-c-controversial.
we are entirely smooth.
we admit to the truth,
we are the best at what we do.
and these are the words you wish you wrote down.
this is the way you wish your voice sounds,
handsome and smart.
oh my tongue's the only muscle on my body
that works harder than my heart.
and its all from watching tv,
and from speeding up my breathing.
wouldnt stop if i could.
oh it hurts to be this good.
you're holding on to your grudge.
oh it hurts to always have to be honest
with the one that you love.
oh, so let it go..
we're concentrating on falling apart.
we were contenders, we're throwing the fight
but i just wanna believe, i just wanna believe,
i just wanna believe.
we're concentrating on falling apart.
we were contenders, we're throwing the fight
but i just wanna believe, i just wanna believe,
i just wanna believe, in us.
this is the grace that only we can bestow.
this is the price you pay for loss of control.
this is the break in the bend,
this is the closest of calls.
this is the reason your alone,
this is the rise and the fall.
we're concentrating on falling apart.
we were contenders, we're throwing the fight
but i just wanna believe, i just wanna believe,
i just wanna believe.
we're concentrating on falling apart.
we were contenders, we're throwing the fight
but i just wanna believe, i just wanna believe,
i just wanna believe, in us.
don't you dare forget.
i am all you've ever wanted,
what all the other boys all promised.
sorry i told. i just needed you to know.
i think in decimals and dollars.
i am the cause to all your problems,
shelter from cold. we are never alone.
coordinate brain and mouth.
then ask me whats it like to have
myself so figured out.
i wish i knew..
i hope this song starts a craze.
the kind of song that ignites the airwaves.
the kind of song that makes people glad
to be where they are,
with whoever they're there with.
this is war.
every line is about,
who i don't wanna write about anymore.
hope you come down with something
they can't diagnose, don't have the cure for.
holding on to your grudge.
oh its so hard to have someone to love.
and keeping quiet is hard.
cuz you cant keep a secret
if it never was a secret to start.
at least pretend you didn't wanna get caught..
we're concentrating on falling apart.
we were contenders, we're throwing the fight
but i just wanna believe, i just wanna believe,
i just wanna believe, in us.
Oh, we're so c-c-c-c-c-controversial.
we are entirely smooth.
we admit to the truth,
we are the best at what we do.
and these are the words you wish you wrote down.
this is the way you wish your voice sounds,
handsome and smart.
oh my tongue's the only muscle on my body
that works harder than my heart.
and its all from watching tv,
and from speeding up my breathing.
wouldnt stop if i could.
oh it hurts to be this good.
you're holding on to your grudge.
oh it hurts to always have to be honest
with the one that you love.
oh, so let it go..
we're concentrating on falling apart.
we were contenders, we're throwing the fight
but i just wanna believe, i just wanna believe,
i just wanna believe.
we're concentrating on falling apart.
we were contenders, we're throwing the fight
but i just wanna believe, i just wanna believe,
i just wanna believe, in us.
this is the grace that only we can bestow.
this is the price you pay for loss of control.
this is the break in the bend,
this is the closest of calls.
this is the reason your alone,
this is the rise and the fall.
we're concentrating on falling apart.
we were contenders, we're throwing the fight
but i just wanna believe, i just wanna believe,
i just wanna believe.
we're concentrating on falling apart.
we were contenders, we're throwing the fight
but i just wanna believe, i just wanna believe,
i just wanna believe, in us.
I'm working right now, I'm sort of in a blank place... Comfortable... mmmm... So I'm not sure how any of my plans this month are going to turn out. I want to go to Vegas this weekend, but I'm not sure how it's going to go. I want more people to go, or nobody else to go. I'm going to feel like a third this weekend. He has a way of making me feel like that, and I'm not sure how or why. I want someone else to be there so I don't feel uncomfortable at times. I feel like an outsider, but I think I did that. How did I do that? Why did I do that? Wow, I have a lot of questions... Steve will be back from Europe next weekend, I hope he is as excited as I am to start playing again. I need something like that again, something unique that I have, something that makes me special. I think I prematurely got my hopes up about going to Colorado, I thought it was a more solid plan when it was brought up, but I think I was wrong. Whatever, life is full of these roller-coaster type ups and downs. I really don't know where I am right now. I have been sick for about 3 days, and I haven't felt very good about anything. I finally feel a little bit better today, but I'm not back to full capacity. I think I'm developing an eating disorder though, I didn't eat anything for 24 hours. I forced myself to eat something for lunch today, and it made me sick. I feel stuffed and gross. There are so many things that I am thinking and feeling that I don't know how to put it down. I'm about ready to pop with all this stuff all on the surface.
"Time and time again I find the surface in my head" - Valence ;-)
When I feel like I can breath another wave comes and pushes me under. This post is becoming too scattered for it to make since. I'll be done for now....
"Time and time again I find the surface in my head" - Valence ;-)
When I feel like I can breath another wave comes and pushes me under. This post is becoming too scattered for it to make since. I'll be done for now....
So a new update. I added the song of the day section to the blog. I'm going to try and update it once a day, but I don't think I will. I need to find a host that will allow me to use 20GB of File transfers each month. I'm looking for one now. I am also going to register my domain name. www.kristoferharrison.com That would be sweet! I'm going to use it to host MP3's for my band, and this blog. YAY! I can't wait to get back into web page publishing again.
So Karissa is gone from my life, she said goodbye to me on Saturday. She suggested that we "hook up" when she comes back to visit. I said that sounds like fun, but I didn't mean it. I think I'm going to just let it go. She is figuring out who she is and messed me up in the process. (she is not the only one to blame) I had a hard time being at Rich's open house for the wedding. I didn't belong there. Everyone my friends were associating with were not people I know, and I didn't feel so good on top of that. So I went into the chapel and rested. I prayed a lot too. I'm not sure what for, but it was a prayer no less. I really want to strike up that conversation again. I have realized that who I am is not somebody that people want, so I am changing. I hope people notice, I hope as a result I will feel better about the reason that I am here. Sometimes the only reason I think that I'm here is because I need to help my friends find happiness. Nobody ever looks twice at me, why do I care? Why does this bother me? Why do I have an inferiority complex? Why have all my good decisions been disastrous? Why am I afraid of growing up? These are all questions that go through my head every day. Why am I not good enough for you? That question will always be in my mind, there is no avoiding it. Is it possible for someone to love me? To look past my ugly face, and horrible appearance? That is why I wish I was someone else. Nobody sees me involved in their life further than a year.
I hate this. You don't know what you people do to me. It's tearing me up. You make this world miserable for anyone that is not as fickle and vain as you. Am I supposed to be ashamed of who I am or where I come from? Fuck you and Fuck that! Nobody is better than anybody, and the quicker you realize that the better off everyone will be. This has really been eating at me lately. I don't know how to put it without griping or being upset, so I haven't been talking a lot to my friends. Jenna you were right, something has been bothering me, but I hope you know why I didn't want to talk about it. I shouldn't feel this way, but I do. Maybe I need therapy or something. Maybe I shouldn't let things get to me like they do. I am after all only human.
So Karissa is gone from my life, she said goodbye to me on Saturday. She suggested that we "hook up" when she comes back to visit. I said that sounds like fun, but I didn't mean it. I think I'm going to just let it go. She is figuring out who she is and messed me up in the process. (she is not the only one to blame) I had a hard time being at Rich's open house for the wedding. I didn't belong there. Everyone my friends were associating with were not people I know, and I didn't feel so good on top of that. So I went into the chapel and rested. I prayed a lot too. I'm not sure what for, but it was a prayer no less. I really want to strike up that conversation again. I have realized that who I am is not somebody that people want, so I am changing. I hope people notice, I hope as a result I will feel better about the reason that I am here. Sometimes the only reason I think that I'm here is because I need to help my friends find happiness. Nobody ever looks twice at me, why do I care? Why does this bother me? Why do I have an inferiority complex? Why have all my good decisions been disastrous? Why am I afraid of growing up? These are all questions that go through my head every day. Why am I not good enough for you? That question will always be in my mind, there is no avoiding it. Is it possible for someone to love me? To look past my ugly face, and horrible appearance? That is why I wish I was someone else. Nobody sees me involved in their life further than a year.
I hate this. You don't know what you people do to me. It's tearing me up. You make this world miserable for anyone that is not as fickle and vain as you. Am I supposed to be ashamed of who I am or where I come from? Fuck you and Fuck that! Nobody is better than anybody, and the quicker you realize that the better off everyone will be. This has really been eating at me lately. I don't know how to put it without griping or being upset, so I haven't been talking a lot to my friends. Jenna you were right, something has been bothering me, but I hope you know why I didn't want to talk about it. I shouldn't feel this way, but I do. Maybe I need therapy or something. Maybe I shouldn't let things get to me like they do. I am after all only human.
I'm to nice to people that treat me like crap...
0 Comments Published by Kr5is on Thursday, May 05, 2005 at 1:07 PM.
I don't want to go to her party, but I feel obligated. I know that Saturday will be the last day that I ever see her again, but I don't want that to be awkward. So I have to go to her part tonight. I have this song lyric in my head that is perfect for the situation.
Taken from "Cold contagious - Bush"
You have no right to call me now, you were never that around.
I love that song. Why do I feel obligated to go, why do I try and be friends with people that don't really care?
This is sort of short, I will post something else before the day is through.
Taken from "Cold contagious - Bush"
You have no right to call me now, you were never that around.
I love that song. Why do I feel obligated to go, why do I try and be friends with people that don't really care?
This is sort of short, I will post something else before the day is through.
The following paragraph is not about anyone that reads this blog. I stole the writing style from Jenna (Thanks Friend!).
Why? Why does this happen to me? Of course it's not okay! Did you have to ask? You know I lied to you too. If that happens I'm done, I'll move on somewhere else. I can't watch that, it would kill me, I'm not that strong. I know I'm not good enough for what you inquired about, but that doesn't mean I'm going to give up. I'm trying to better myself, be someone that somebody would like to have as a husband some day, somebody that people see and want to get to know. If I can do this I know it will be different. This is going to ruin it for me and you. You do realize that don't you? Could you see it in my face when you asked me? I don't hide things very well. But then again you don't know me very well. I know I'm the last choice, but it doesn't mean that you have to jump on that opportunity. It hurts to be the person that is always the last choice.
***
Whew... That is a lot of my chest. Something happened last night, and when I feel like talking about it I will. Things are very well though. I'm stressed about a few things, but nothing so big that I can't see the clear path through it. I'm well on my way to being where I "need" to be. I know that I will be a worthy Priesthood holder soon. I know that I can spiritually provide for my future family. I know that my family and I will benefit form the blessings of me being a worthy member of God's plan. I know that when I start school this fall it will be a landslide of great opportunities to better myself and help me be ready to provide. These are a few of the things I think about every day. Every morning I wake up I think about the timeline of my life from here to eternity. I will not offer my testimony here, it is too precious to open it to slander on the internet. I will happily share it with anyone that asks though. Aside from the previous paragraph things are easy to deal with. I think I'm going to move home in July. I hope to be ready for school in August. I am going to visit some grant websites today. Oh! SO COOL! Jenna and I ARE going to Denver for her Birthday!!!! I can't wait. I love that place with all my heart. I want to go so bad. Her family invited me to go, that is so cool to me. I'm happy that they like me enough to invite me on a trip with their family. They treat me like a son of sorts, I'm always welcome for dinner and they are more interested in what is going on in my life than my own family. They are cool... Anyway. This has sort of become a random rant of sorts. I'm not going to see Jimmy Eat World tonight, I really wanted to see them. I really want to see Taking Back Sunday too, but something told me that I shouldn't. Somebody is going to need me... I'm not sure why I got this feeling, and it may be something that will end up not being necessary, but I can't go against my instincts on something like this. Is this the promptings of the spirit coming back? I hope so. The momentum of life is catching up to me. I have a desire and an ambition to be better. I know I can do this. I will too...
Why? Why does this happen to me? Of course it's not okay! Did you have to ask? You know I lied to you too. If that happens I'm done, I'll move on somewhere else. I can't watch that, it would kill me, I'm not that strong. I know I'm not good enough for what you inquired about, but that doesn't mean I'm going to give up. I'm trying to better myself, be someone that somebody would like to have as a husband some day, somebody that people see and want to get to know. If I can do this I know it will be different. This is going to ruin it for me and you. You do realize that don't you? Could you see it in my face when you asked me? I don't hide things very well. But then again you don't know me very well. I know I'm the last choice, but it doesn't mean that you have to jump on that opportunity. It hurts to be the person that is always the last choice.
***
Whew... That is a lot of my chest. Something happened last night, and when I feel like talking about it I will. Things are very well though. I'm stressed about a few things, but nothing so big that I can't see the clear path through it. I'm well on my way to being where I "need" to be. I know that I will be a worthy Priesthood holder soon. I know that I can spiritually provide for my future family. I know that my family and I will benefit form the blessings of me being a worthy member of God's plan. I know that when I start school this fall it will be a landslide of great opportunities to better myself and help me be ready to provide. These are a few of the things I think about every day. Every morning I wake up I think about the timeline of my life from here to eternity. I will not offer my testimony here, it is too precious to open it to slander on the internet. I will happily share it with anyone that asks though. Aside from the previous paragraph things are easy to deal with. I think I'm going to move home in July. I hope to be ready for school in August. I am going to visit some grant websites today. Oh! SO COOL! Jenna and I ARE going to Denver for her Birthday!!!! I can't wait. I love that place with all my heart. I want to go so bad. Her family invited me to go, that is so cool to me. I'm happy that they like me enough to invite me on a trip with their family. They treat me like a son of sorts, I'm always welcome for dinner and they are more interested in what is going on in my life than my own family. They are cool... Anyway. This has sort of become a random rant of sorts. I'm not going to see Jimmy Eat World tonight, I really wanted to see them. I really want to see Taking Back Sunday too, but something told me that I shouldn't. Somebody is going to need me... I'm not sure why I got this feeling, and it may be something that will end up not being necessary, but I can't go against my instincts on something like this. Is this the promptings of the spirit coming back? I hope so. The momentum of life is catching up to me. I have a desire and an ambition to be better. I know I can do this. I will too...
