Kr5istofer's Thoughts

Nothing really dramatic to post on... I realized while reading through my old posts that I post a lot of emotional stuff and ignore the small things that I do. I got tickets to see the Steve Miller Band for next weekend. 14th row baby! I'm going to go and get so buzzed from all the second hand pot. I love jam bands like that though, and I have always been curious as to why so many people love them, and would pay 50 dollars to see them. I think it will be fun. It's going to be my first concert of the summer. The weekend after that is Warped Tour... I can't wait to go and chill with some of my favorite bands. Debbie and James scored me a backstage pass to the show. Fun?... Oh yes...

Google released a really cool new program yesterday called Google Earth. You can download it and check it out.
http://earth.google.com
I went and saw my childhood home the other day, and it was freaking sweet! I'm going to try and download the building feature so I can fly through Denver, Salt Lake, and all sorts of cool places. Everyone should play with it. Join the dark side and help Google take over the world.

I had rehearsal last night. It was cool. We were still a little off, but I think if we can rest and get together on Thursday it will be a lot better. I want to book a show soon! I need to call Sam (our bassist) and see if he has any contacts for another band to play that night. It's going to rock! Our new song (which does not have a name yet) is so f***ing good, and has a very good vibe to it. The lyrics are a little creepy, but it all fits together nicely. I can't wait for you all to hear it. I need to play a show soon!!!!

That is all for now. Maybe I'll post some screen shots of the Google thing later.

I heard this song for the first time this weekend. And I totally broke down and cried in the middle of it. This is another song that will be added to my list of life altering songs. If you can find the artist please find this song, and tell me what you think of it here.

***

This Year's Love

This year's love had better last,
heaven knows it's high time,
I've been waiting on my own too long.
And when you hold me like you do
it feels so right
oh now
I start to forget how my heart gets torn
when the hurt gets thrown
feeling like you can't go on

Turning circles and time again
cut like a knife
oh now
if you love me gotta know for sure
'cause it takes something more this time
than sweet sweet lies
oh now
before I open up my arms and fall
losing all control
every dream inside my soul
when you kiss me on that midnight street
sweep me off my feet
singing ain't this life so sweet

This year's love it better last

'Cause who's to worry if our hearts get torn
when that hurt get thrown
don't you know this life goes on
won't you kiss me on that midnight street
sweep me off my feet
singing ain't this life so sweet

This year's love it better last

So at last count my band has 8 songs, and 1 cover.

Here is our current list of songs. Some of you may have heard a few of these. There are some new ones that nobody has heard.

Valence Songs
1. Dedle Dedle
2. Time
3. Unspoken Words
4. Surface
5. Dumbfounded
6. We're Still Free
7. Dark Eyes
8. Song for K
9. Send Me an Angel

I have almost written an album! This is cool to me. We had rehearsal last night, and it was so nice to play with a full compliment. We had an offer to play a show tonight but we were not ready. If they had given us a weeks notice I would be playing tonight. I can't wait to actually play a show. I'm going to organize one hopefully for the second weekend in July. It will be our first headline show. I want to find a band to play with us, but I think it's going to be just us. As far as my music goes everything is coming together nicely. Other parts of my life are still sort of blah, but as long as I have an escape I will be okay. I put up a new song of the day. It's Emo! I love that style of rock. It makes me happy...

I stumbled across this image the other day. I really liked it and I thought I would share.

I just don't know what to say recently. I have been having an identity crisis of sorts. I have been okay on the most part, but the last 2 weeks have been hard for no apparent reason. I again don't know where I really belong right now. I'm sort of wandering around being a transient between my different circles of friends. I really hate that some of those groups have disappeared. I had my SCERA friends forever pretty much from 98 till 2003. They were my favorite people. The only part that sucks about that is when we started dating inside that circle of friends. Amber dated Joel, Debbie dated Talus, I dated Sarah, and Dave dated Britta. All of these relationships have ended. We are all still friends with the exception of the person that the other person dated. Amber, Debbie, Joel, and Sarah are all married now, which prevents us from always chilling. Dave lives in California and is in the Marines. Britta I think lives in Wyoming being a cowgirl. I haven't seen Ali in a long time. I hope she is well, and over her crush on me. (that was awkward) Michelle lives with her boyfriend in Salt Lake, Krista is around, she works as a dental hygienist. Lee is living in Louisiana, and is in the Air Force. I haven't seen Joel since he got married. He has chosen to leave the group, actually I think his wife chose for him. I miss these People. I want us all to come back and have a sort of reunion party, but I don't think some of us will be ready for that for a few more years. Debbie and her new husband James are freaking sweet and I love hanging out with them. I wish they didn't live an hour away. Maybe I'll move to Salt Lake, or Draper. Amber and Adam are really cool too. Adam is my ex's older brother. He and I are still very close and good friends. He calls me his brother still, and the tells me that he tells Sarah that she made a mistake by letting me go. I don't know how I feel about him saying that. I'm pretty much the only one still where I was. I don't work for SCERA anymore, but that is the only thing that is different. That's gay...

I created another circle around the time the previous one collapsed. I moved in with Rich, Mike and James. They are cool, I then moved in with them and Bryan, Dave, Little Mike, and Miles. That was our family. We always had something to do. We were happy for a while till Mike got Married, then Rich, and we all moved. Dave is now getting married. Little Mike and Miles moved to California. James pissed us all off, and Bryan is getting married too. Again I'm still the same, nothing has changed. That is gay...

So I create circle No. 3. Jenna, Danielle, and sometimes Jeff. This is a hard circle to join, because they have all been friends for a long time, and I'm the new one. They welcome me warmer than I have ever been welcomed before. But as time goes I can see this group disappearing as far as I am concerned. Other interests and other goals in life tend to take people in different directions. My goal is to go to school, and get married. That is all. I do want to move to Denver eventually, but that comes after school and a wife. So I am stuck here in this state with noting to show for my life's events for the last five years. I need to fix that... So I want to go to school. I will register with them in the next few weeks, and I will most likely take night courses. I hope this works out, and I don't get totally burned out. However I still need people around that I can relate with or feel needed to some extent. I hope to find another group as easily as I have found the last few.

"Drowned World / Substitute For Love"

I traded fame for love
Without a second thought
It all became a silly a game
Some things cannot be bought

I got exactly what I asked for
Wanted it so badly
Running, rushing back for more
I suffered fools so gladly

And now I find
I've changed my mind

The face of you
My substitute for love
My substitute for love
Should I wait for you
My substitute for love
My substitute for love

I traveled round the world
Looking for a home
I found myself in crowded rooms
Feeling so alone

I had so many lovers
Who settled for the thrill
Of basking in my spotlight
I never felt so happy

Mmmmm, ooohhh, mmmmm
Famous faces, far off places
Trinkets I can buy
No handsome stranger, heady danger
Drug that I can try
No ferris wheel, no heart to steal
No laughter in the dark
No one-night stand, no far-off land
No fire that I can spark
Mmmmm, mmmmm

Now I find I've changed my mind
This is my religion

***

Sarah showed me this song a few years ago. I have relied on it before, but I think it has more meaning to me right now. It has started to hurt more now that I have seen her. I hope she has found what she is looking for. I am happy to have had the oppertunity to learn from her. I am glad to know that someone could love me.

threw you the obvious and you flew
with it on your back, a name in your recollection,
thrown down among a million same.

difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed
and passed over when i've looked right through
to see you naked and oblivious and you don't see me.

but i threw you the obvious
just to see if there's more behind the eyes
of a fallen angel, the eyes of a tragedy.
here i am expecting just a little bit
too much from the wounded.
but i see through it all and see you.

so i threw you the obvious
to see what occurs behind the eyes
of a fallen angel, eyes of a tragedy.
oh well. apparently nothing.
you don't see me.
you don't see me at all.

So I don't want to move home. I love my family and all, but there are some things that I don't think I can deal with. My parents are cool, and I don't have a problem there. My sister and brother Aubrey and Zack are cool too, but I don't think I can handle Tyler and Danielle. While Zack has matured a lot in the last two years Tyler (please do not repeat anything you read here) is still unwilling to help mom. He makes more messes than he cleans, and would rather live in the mess than clean it up. Danielle is a little brat, and makes my mom's live very frustrating. While I love her and Tyler both a lot, I am fine not living with them.

I also don't want to put any strain on my mom. She does not have the energy to put up with me, and I don't have the time to do what my little bro and sis don't do. I know that if I see something like that I will try and take care of it. I have changed a lot since I moved out. I don't know how to do this and be happy.

I had a very good weekend overall though. I was pretty much ditched on Friday by everyone accept Lee. (It is hard to be his friend) I did see Sarah on Friday at Bryan's wedding, that was actually one of the high points of the weekend. She looked good and happy, and we talked without any weirdness. I just went to bed at about Midnight. On Saturday we played halo and then I went laser tagging with James and Debbie for James' birthday. Then we watched Dodgeball. That was a cool movie. James loaned me some really cool music. I have to return it this weekend, so it means that I get to see him again. On Sunday I was able to talk with my bishop and get back on track again, and I finally cried. I have been trying to for so long, but I have been unable to. This was a real cry, on that makes you feel better. The bishop was so nice and genuinely interested in my life and what is going on. I told him everything. He told me that he was so glad to know me and that I am one of the sheep in his fold. He loves my ward so much and he is so willing to help me. He thanked me for helping him end his day on a very happy and spiritual note. He hugged me and then told me to come and see him every week. He also gave me a book to read about forgiveness and repentance. It is really cool. I tried reading the first chapter last night, but I was very tired. I will have to re-read it. Things are looking up in my relationship with God. The bishop also said the he was impressed to tell me that my wife is waiting for me to become worthy and when I am right again God has her in mind. This helped a lot. I know that my beliefs are true, and that Christ did die for me in order to give the ability to repent. Wow this got church related very fast and hardcore, but that is what I am becoming again!

Anyway. Please take care.

Have you ever had an experience where you are fine, then something happens. Your vision goes into tunnel vision, and you can feel your heart in your throat and hear it in your ears? I expect that to happen to me tonight, and I can see it from a million miles away. Sarah is going to be at the same place that I am. While I don't want to see her, I do at the same time. I miss that girl, but for reasons that are not even a reason anymore. She was genuine for a very long time, until I messed up, and started being someone I'm not. She had to get out, and I don't blame her. But my heart still skips a beat every time I see her.

So since the last thing I posted things have calmed down. I got a blessing from my dad the other night. I still didn't feel the spirit, but I know it helped. He told me that god wants me to trust him, and that I need to put my life in his hands. So I am trying... I have been real cranky for the last few days, and it really bothers me. I see all my friendships ending. Not because we are angry or don't get a long, just because everyone is doing something that I'm not. Nobody really has time to just chill anymore. All my friends are married, or have girlfriends, or would rather be around someone other than me. I feel like I'm not good enough and disappearing. Nobody thinks highly of me anymore. Have I become so routine that I'm a sure thing? I saw Krista last night, and that conversation felt so genuine and heartfelt. I felt listened to, and really cared about. I miss that from my friends. If I need to talk they let me, but then they try and change the topic, like they lose interest. I really need help, and I'm not sure how to help myself anymore, or how to ask. I fell like a drain on everyone, like my opinions don't fit, or I'm the outsider. Mostly because of this attitude I have, but I want to fit again. I want to go where everyone else is, except when I get there I'm to late or don't belong there. The ward is fake, my family is there, but not the way I need, and my friends are keeping acquaintances because the feel obligated, or need something. Why am I so bitter or angry. Nobody has done anything intentionally to hurt me, it's all just building up. I need to be loved. Not romantically, but emotionally. I tell my friends I love them all the time, but they never tell me back. That hurts most of all. I think I hit a phase of co-dependency. That was not supposed to happen. I was doing very well being independent. What happened? What changed? What did I do? Why does everyone use me. I'm a crutch to the world.

Well I don't care anymore. I'm not coming down.
There is nothing you can say to turn this frown.
Everything is stained, or broken in this town.
And you can't convince me to come back around.

***For those of you that don't necessarily believe in my religion (Mormonism), I'm warning you now. The following events are true, and very hard to believe for someone that does not keep the same faith that I do.***

I really don't know where to begin. In the recent months I have been trying to find my place in the grand scheme that God has put in place. I fully believe in a life after this one, and I fully believe that based on my actions I will be able to live with my (future) wife forever. I know that I have jeopardized that in the last few years. I have been struggling with my relationship with God. I know that the advisary has been working hard on me, and last night proved it to me. I have been told in blessings my whole life that he was going to be working extra hard on me, and that I am specifically someone that he does not want to succeed. I felt his presence close to me many times and I have seen his followers. I know that it is not something to mess around with. In my path to repentance I have become numb to feeling God's love, and I have had no desire to do what I have been asked. At church yesterday we had a Fast and Testimony meeting, those are always nice. This one was very powerful, the members of my ward are so touched by God's love, and I am so glad that they share it. I want to feel that again. I decided to force myself, and just do what I am asked even if I don't feel like it. After all I am an adult, aren't I? At about 12:30 I decided to begin reading the Book of Mormon. I started off with a prayer, the kind I haven't said in a long time. I asked for the spirit and knowledge that the Book of Mormon was true. I opened to First Nephi and was about to begin reading when I was prompted to read the Testimony of the Three Witnesses. So I did, and was surprised to read what I found. These are people that had actually seen the gold plates, and the inscriptions on them. All logic tells me that Joseph Smith could not have written this, or conjured it up. He did find this record. I felt the warmth again, and proceeded to read Joseph Smith's Testimony. I have to be honest and tell you that I got bored of that, and I am also scared of it too. The events that happened in the Sacred Grove are very real to me. I know there were 4 present that day, Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, Joseph Smith, and Satan. Knowing Satan is there, or involved in my life scares me to death. He was there last night too. I began reading First Nephi again, searching for the truth in every verse. I was about 4 passages into it when my vision started to blur, and I could not concentrate. I could feel someone else in the room with me, and it was not a good feeling. I couldn't move, and I was unable to think through my fear. I know that Satan and his followers did not like what I was doing, and they were trying to make their presence known. I found that the few fleeting thoughts I could collect were that of when my father had this happen to him. I wanted to pray, but I couldn't speak, and felt helpless to defend myself against the oppression that I was feeling. I finally managed to force my consciousness forward and gain enough control to utter a prayer stating my name and Christ's name. The feeling was not as strong anymore, but I knew 'they' were still there. I finally was able to turn around from my desk, and face the now empty room. My fear controlled me though, and Satan had done his part. I was to afraid to continue reading. I closed my Scriptures, and quietly prepared for bed, not knowing if it would return or not. I turned my light off, and curled up in my bed for a restless night where the advisary could pollute my dreams as well. I know this will happen again when I try and read for the truth. I am paralyzed by this fear. I need a blessing, maybe my dad can help me with that. I needed to externalize this, and I'm sure some who read this will think I'm crazy, or a religious nut job, but I know otherwise, and I am secure enough with myself to tell this story.



I want to return there someday, and this road is not going to be easy.

How weird is this? I know I probably shouldn't post on someone else's blog, but Kris, you asked for it. ;) I just wanted to put a little note in here cause I was curious to see how it works. This is like in high school when someone else would write in your yearbook that you paid a fortune for...

Hey Kris.. I'm writing in your crack! Does it tickle??? :-D