Kr5istofer's Thoughts

So this weekend I went to a cabin for a few days. I'll tell you more about it later, but I had the awesome opportunity to go on a horseback ride. It was awesome, but what better way to find out that I'm allergic to horses. My eyes swelled shut, which was totally wicked. Plus my horse hated me, it had it's ears facing backwards the whole time. Our trail guide informed me that if the ears are like that it means the horse is irritated. His name was Bob, and he kept trying to slam me into trees and wouldn't obey me. He wasn't supposed to stop and eat the grass along the trail cause it was a national forest. Every time I tried to stop him he would get pissed off and look at me with an eye of "if I wouldn't be put down for it I would kill you". It was so much fun all in all.


On Monday we went to a Buddhist shrine in the mountains. It was a Stupa which is a burial shrine to remember and honor teachers in the Buddhist religion. This was the best part of the trip, being able to meditate in a religions place that wasn't my own. It was also cool to see the similarities of the symbols and meanings to my religion. I'll post some pictures of the Stupa later.

I heard this song on the radio today and was totally impressed. It is sort of pop punk, but has some traces of Fall Out Boy and other stuff that I really liked.

Quietdrive - Rise From The Ashes

I felt this way before
I fell right through the floor
And I am certain I've become
Broken, bruised, and numb
Would you restate your opinion
And hold back your investigation
Do you see the sins you're making
Cause I've made them all before

I will now rise from the ashes
Don't call me pretentious
I'm sitting here making my own rules
And if I fall from the ceiling
You'll be down there waiting
And my only hope
Is falling down

And by my own admission
You'll find that my condition
Is worse than you imagined
You're better off if you know
But every time before that I
Tried to measure pain inside
You can't ignore it
Right now I can't ignore it

I will now rise from the ashes
Don't call me pretentious
I'm sitting here making my own rules
And if I fall from the ceiling
You'll be down there waiting
To finish me

Inside of me (x7)
I'll take my heart
And rip my feelings out
Before they make me doubt
And I'll fall down with flames burning
Alive again
As long as you know that

I will now rise from the ashes
Don't call me pretentious
I'm sitting here making my own rules
And if I fall from the ceiling
You'll be down there waiting
To finish me
Finish me


The lyrics seem really depressing but the song is so cool, and no I'm not depressed, so don't worry. I just rarely post and when I do it's usually weird. Sorry!

Why do I keep going back there?


I'm never coming back
I'm never giving in
I'll never be the shine in your spit
I disconnect the act
I disconnect the dots
I disconnect the me in me
And you're mistaken, It's you that's faking
Living and breathing and dying too
This message is for anyoine who dares to hear a fool
You can't bring me back, you can't bring me back
Cause I give it all back to you
Thru sacred alleys, the living wrecks
Wreak their havoc upon this world
The disenchanted, the romantics,
The body and face and soul of you is gone down that deep black hole
Destroy the mind-destroy the body-but you cannot destroy the heart
And you, you make me so I need to disconnect
And you make it so real
I don't need your love to disconnect
To runaround kids in get-go cars
With vaseline afterbirths and neon coughs
Galaxies full of nobodies
Giving us the farewell runarounds
I took a virgin mary axe to his sweet baby jane,
lost my innocence to a no good girl, scratch my
face with anvil hands, and coil my tongue around a bumblebee mouth
And I give it all back to you
No way, I don't need it, I don't need your love to disconnect
And you make it, so real, I don't need your love to disconnect
No way to disconnect
And you make it so real
I don't need your love to disconnect
No way to disconnect

If you know the song without googleing it you are awesome in my book, but I doubt anyone that reads this ever listened to this song or ever cared to.

It should have happened 4 years ago, but I tend to drag my feet. I'm all grown up. I have my own apartment with my name on the lease. I will now have monthly bills that have my name on them. I will now pay for my own internet. 7MBps on an unshared bandwidth!!! It's all exciting, but I don't have anyone to celebrate with, except for my cyber friends. (I can't believe I just said 'cyber friends') I'll post some pictures then maybe it will feel like you have all been here. I tried to win the lottery today, and it didn't work, so I have to continue working for a living. That depresses me. But I do like my job, even though I'm a bit concerned about it. Dentrix is abandoning the IR program and my company now needs to find other sources of income. They told me not to worry, but lame, I do worry. I'll be there in a **week or so. I'll come see you.

**A week is in Kr5is' made up time frame and has no relevance to the actual time. He will actually be there in 2, but by saying 1 week it's easier for him to feel like something cool will happen between now and then.

So I got a new apartment. I move in tomorrow. I'll post some pictures so you can see it in it's glory, or emptyness or something. I'll throw a BBQ and invite all of you, but only make enough food for me, since nobody would be able to come. LAME!! I want my friends back.

Yes I did crap my pants...

So I was really bored last night and I was trying to find something to do. And I did.

I recorded a song in my bedroom with a pair of Sony studio headphones as a microphone, and a really crappy set of Delta airline headphones as a reference. I don't have a mic anymore. I think it was permanently added to the guitar night collection back in Utah. So here is the song. I did a lot of cool tricks with the software I used to mix it all together. I warn you it is creepy to listen to, and the lyrics aren't about anything in particular. I took something from everything I'm feeling and put it in there. Just tell me what you think.


If you want a second listen please download it first.

Kr5is

Maybe I should have it printed and I'll hang it in my bathroom. That way when people go into my bathroom they will have something to laugh about. Then all my guests will wonder why people are laughing coming out of my bathroom. It will make for interesting moments. I should totally make my house be a WTF house. When people walk in they go, "What the F@*&!?" Then in each room they will get more and more confused then maybe by the time they leave they will be officially crazy. That would be fun.

So I found a place to live. I'll know if my credit was approved sometime today I guess. It's awesome, and I'm excited to have my OWN apartment that I can decorate as I see fit. It's probably going to look a lot like Jenna's bedroom, but it will still be me. Here is a random pic.

Why can't I reach anyone? I have been trying for 4 days to talk with one of my friends from Utah, but I haven't been able to reach anyone for more than 3 minutes. I hate this. I'm just dissappointing everyone, and I'm being dissappointed in the process. I think I'll be moving to Idaho and alienate myself more. But for school at BYU, and being social with people sort of my age and unmarried. I'm not coming back to Utah though, as much as I miss it I can't go back there with my tail between my legs. Nobody that I want to be around would be available anyway. Everyone would be working or too busy to notice that I'm back. I can't believe I talked myself into this. I have ruined more things then I have fixed. Just ignore this, I'm complaining.

***

when deadbolts awake you from deja vu dreams,
at four in the morning you know where I'll be.
out running red lights asleep at the wheel.
the sirens feed my nightmares,

I just close my eyes and I'm already here;
its already too late.
I know its nothing but lies,
but they sound so sincere;
I find them too hard to hate.

and she calls from the doorway "stolen water is sweet,
so let's drink it in the darkness if you know what I mean"
and she calls from the doorway "stolen water is sweet,
so let's drink it in the darkness if you know what I mean"

and I'm almost sure
that I've been here before,
that this is not the first time I've stood in front of this door,
with an overwhelming feeling that I shouldn't go in,
but it seems this is a battle that I never could win.

and you! my true love! you call from the hilltop. you call through the streets, "Darling don't you know, the water is poison." and I say! "Come on and give me my poison."

what have I done? is it too late to save me from this place? from the depths of the grave? we all are those .. who thought we were brave. what have I done?

So I found a way to feel closer to home. I listen to X96 online when I'm at work, now if I could only develop a way to get streaming audio on my stereo in my car I can listen to X96 online all the time! I miss that station, and all it's cool antics. I really miss working there too. I'm sure if I had stayed I would have been let go just like my other friends were. Corporate downsizing is always awesome. I remember when Simmons Media (the owner) bought X96. There were talks of making it a country station, or some other format change. I would have died. Q99 left us and X96 was the only alternative representation in the state. I really like the mix of that station too. Alternative radio stations elsewhere are lame, they play songs that don't fit the format, and they play stuff that is way too old, and I mean 1973 old. X96 occasionally plays some Ramones stuff from back then, but not in regular rotation. While listening today I heard Tool, Smashing Pumpkins, and Our Lady Peace all in the same half hour. I love it. I'll stop crying for Utah now.