Kr5istofer's Thoughts

"Pop music should be a series of meaningless clichés strung together by a pleasing melody, to help pass the time during long commutes or loveless marriages." -Stephen Colbert 06.27.06

I laughed, I cried, It changed my life.

I want to die.

So something that I authorized months ago and was told that I would have to okay it before I would be charged went through.
My work deposit should go through today, but I won't have enough money to survive or work till the end of July.

Paycheck today is $1004
Rent due on Saturday is $600
In the hole to the bank $341
I owe a bill of $240
Gas will be $250 between now and the 15th
Utilities are $100
Therapist is $60 a visit
I don't have any food at home and I don't eat out anymore.

$1500 to pay before the 15th. $1100 due tomorrow.

I don't mean to complain, I'm sorry that is all I have done on my blog that used to be a happy place. "You said that would be a happy house" lol
I can't do it. I can't be a good human being. I deserve this I guess.

I really don't care what anyone thinks anymore. I need to snap... and not be afraid of any of you anymore. I have come to realize that I'm just a phase to some. I don't feel like I really have a place to call home, or secure, or comfortable. I keep thinking I invested my time into the wrong places, and I feel like life is pointing me to places that I don't want to be. I don't want to be with her but if I'm not then will I be alone? What if you already had your chance and you blew it? You couldn't see past the lust, and the truth that everyone was showing you, and you drove her away. Way to go Kris! She isn't coming back, she can't. Why would she? What if everything you hoped for is an empty set of promises handed down to you from the neon life you once chased after? What if it isn't for you because you don't fit it's mold? Where will my expectations and reality reach a plateau? I don't think that what I want is capable of wanting me. Don't deny it. Think for yourself, and stop living in the world of the beautiful. Vanity is a sin, and everyone is guilty, especially the accuser. I just want a fair chance where love and romance is blind, and justice can see the iniquities of my peers and myself. I'm tired of fighting for something that wasn't foreordained for me. I did blow it. My insecurities and my fears took hold of me and allowed me to destroy just about everything that I ever felt so strongly about. I can't start over because it's to late. I have no place with my peers. They're all married, or all glamorous, and youthful, and hip, and something I have always tried to be but never could get it right. Somehow I have arranged it so my happiness comes from the approval of my peers, and it is destroying me that I can't be like them. I can wear all the right clothes, listen to the right songs, know all the inside jokes, but I still can't be in that club. The cool kids club... The paired off club... You know the one with the bouncer outside deciding if you are good enough?

I can't breathe, please don't ignore me this time.

I wanted to post a link to an article written by Orson Scott Card about piracy in the media industry. I am someone as most of you know, who is a huge opponent of tougher copyright laws. I think the laws are too tough as it is, but that isn't the point I plan to argue or present. I believe that all parties involved with making movies, music, literature, or art need to be fairly compensated. I am a musician myself and if I ever get to the point where I can work professionally then my paychecks would come from royalties and would be protected under copyright laws. These laws need to exist, but the meaning of the law keeps changing to the whim of the industry. This needs to stop.

The article by Orson Scott Card brings up some interesting points about what the industry is complaining about. I personally believe that if the music industry wants to fight piracy then they need to find better music to produce, and not lynch the poor kid that downloaded a few crappy songs.

Please read it and tell me what you think.

Click Here

I have been remembering a lot of music that I used to listen to a lot lately. One band that I discovered while working as a DJ for X96 is Catherine Wheel. There was a song from them called Black Metallic that I used to listen to on repeat after hearing it. Not that it was a really powerful song, which is usually the case with songs that I write about, but something just hooked me. If you can find a copy of it, I recommend you take a listen. I had to download a P2P client and risk spyware to get a copy again. I have been looking for the album whenever I'm in a place that sells music, but I haven't found it. Maybe I'll have to go to Independent Records in Colorado Springs again. I found a Vinyl copy of Vheissu from Thrice there, and of course I bought it without a second thought. I also saw Lateralus from Tool, and I plan to go back and get that. But if you have a chance to listen to Black Metallic from Catherine Wheel then let me know what you think.
On Friday I drove to Glenwood Springs again for work. I'm glad I made it in one piece, my tires are starting to show metal instead of tread. I plan on buying new tires when I get paid, but that isn't till Friday. I hope I make it. On the way home I took a different way, which took an hour off the usual trip. I took Independence Pass which is a very high pass. So high that you get above the tree line, I took a picture of a view just before the summit.


I haven't had a nicer drive through the mountains ever. It was quiet, and I had the opportunity to listened to some music that Jenna suggested I listen to. Of course is was life altering, just like usual when Jenna introduces me to music. I highly recommend the album Plans from Death Cab for Cutie, pretty much the whole album is so cool, with the exceptions of Soul Meets Body, and Crooked Teeth. Both just happen to be the singles played on the radio, and both are complete crap when compared to songs like Brothers In A Hotel Bed, What Sarah Said, and I Will Follow You Into the Dark. Anyway this is turning into a review. Just listen to it.

This is what I would look like if I was a charicter on South Park.


You can create your own too. Click here and have at it!

I chilled with my cousins all day on Saturday. Actually we just drove around and went to a tanning place. We then watched America play Italy in the World Cup game. Dave called and wanted to know when I would be back in Parker, cause there was talk of going to Miranda's and go swimming and chilling in hot tub. I was so down with this idea, it has been years since I was willing to go do this with friends. It was fun cause I got to bring my diving mask and flippers to the pool. Dave and I took turns swimming around looking like geeks. At one point I was swimming on the surface using a snorkel, the I tried to go under, but I hit my face on the bottom of the pool. I guess I found out the hard way that I was in the shallow end of the pool. It was fun all the same, I can't wait till I get my key card for my pool, so I can go swimming a lot. Unfortunately the hot tub was closed for repair or something, so I didn't get to relax like that. Afterwards we went and got some JBC's, I forgot how good they taste. I don't really eat out anymore, maybe a sub sandwich for lunch, but I usually can make it home for lunch now. We wanted to rent a movie, so we went to Blockbuster. We decided to have a tailgate party in the blockbuster parking lot. Dave asked someone to take a picture of us chilling in the parking lot.



I had a blast. It reminded me of chilling in the Wal-Mart parking lot in Orem with everyone drinking a lot of cream soda getting ready to go to the hole. I need to do that the next time I go to Utah. Maybe I'll take a small group of my close friends, it would be worth the trespassing ticket. I'll just miss my court date and have a warrant for my arrest in Utah.

I got a copy of the new Dashboard Confessional album that day too, it will be available for purchase at the end of June. I will put a review for that and the new Muse album up on NotEmoEnough.com soon. I have to write one for Thursday too, but I have a hard time writing about albums I don't like. On Sunday I went to church and that fun stuff. I set an appointment with my bishop for Wednesday. I have lived here for 4 months and I still haven't met with him, but not by my fault at all. I have had 3 appointments canceled for one reason or another. I spent the evening with my uncle and aunt, I called my dad, but then I got a surprise call from someone I haven't talked to in nearly 13 years. My old bishop Ken Thiess called and told me that he was thinking about me and wanted to have lunch with me on Friday. Then on today I got a call from my therapist, she wanted to meet with me tomorrow. It looks like it will be a busy week for me, I just have to get through it. I'm ready to have an aneurysm or something, I need a real vacation, not one where I feel like shit when I go home.

Okay, so this is one of my favorite episodes of South Park. Every home nees to have an A.W.E.S.O.M.O. in their home. If you can't see the video clip then you need to have Quicktime installed and have it setup to play the audio for the browsers. Firefox should have no problem. Click here for help.

UPDATE 6-19-06 11:00 PM: I stopped the autoplay on the video. It got annoying fast. Could anyone see it?

So I have been thinking of changing my blog template for quite a while now. My MySpace.com template is still my old one, but I needed a change. After seeing how cool Jenn7a's blog looked, I decided to get of my A! and make the change. I got it from a web page called GeckoandFly. They have some cool template designs so it won't look like a typical blogger blog. I added a few things of my own and shazam! Here is my new blog. Tell me what I should change. I'm thinking of moving the comments to the bottom, but maybe not.

Kr5is

So I am going to a concert tonight. I'll be seeing a band called The Photo Atlas. Here is a link to their myspace if you want to hear what they sound like.

http://www.myspace.com/danceatlasdance

Sort of At the Drive In meets Thursday, meets The Strokes. I'm stoked, I'll take some pictures and post them for you to see. I need this, that's for sure, I haven't been to a concert or a musical event in almost 3 months. I'm about to go crazy, I have the shakes and everything.

Thanks man, you know who you are.

I really shouldn't be writing right now. I'm sad. I don't know why, but I am. I think I'll try and find a therapist today. I hate this cycle that I go through. You know that emotional roller coaster that everyone relates to? What they don't tell you is that the roller coaster is never as high as it first was. You have to get off the ride and pay another admission fee before you can be towed to the top again. But you're only going to go lower and lower again and again. I hope my ride is almost over. Maybe I'll go shopping and buy some meaningless shit that I don't need.

I heard the new song today.

***

The sky glows.
I see it shining with my eyes closed.
I hear your warnings when we both know,
I'm guna love you yet again.

Don't wait,
don't wait,
the road ends now,
in suddency, and suddenly,
you're deep enough to let your armor down,
to let your armor down,
to let your armor down.

You get one look.
I'll show you something that the knife took,
A bit too early for my own good.
Now lets not speak of it again.

Don't wait,
don't wait,
your road ends now,
in suddency, and suddenly,
you're deep enough to let your armor down

Don't wait,
don't wait.
Your life will flash, and fade away.
Your days will pass you by,
don't wait...and let your armor down,
to let your armor down,

So The Real World is filming here in Denver.

http://realworlddenver.blogspot.com/

Maybe I should go hang out in bars downtown and try and get on TV, or get on something.... I mean....

I have been working a lot this week, which is good especially since I have to pay rent with my next paycheck. I have been driving a lot, but that's what happens when you visit other peoples businesses as your profession. Today I went downtown to setup a remote service for one of our clients. Little did I know that I was going to meet a new girl. Her name is Allison, and she is the office manager for the office I visited today. I got her number and I plan on calling this one, she seems like a lot of fun, and hope maybe a date or two will come out of it. I don't think anything else will happen, but it will be a girl to chill with. I don't want to be set up on a date, and I don't want to date girls from church. I'm not sure why, but I don't. Anyway that was a small part of what has been happening lately. Dave and Joseph are leaving town. Joseph is going to China for 4 weeks and Dave is going to Germany for 3 months. In the mean time I plan to go to Utah again, or maybe San Diego. 311 is playin at Red Rocks at the end of July and my friend Arielle is most likely flying out to go to the show with me. I wonder what my friends think of me with all these girls coming out to see me. Since I have been in high school I have been better friends with girls than guys. But the guys I'm friends with I feel a real friendship. Lets go over the list. When I first moved here Krista came to see me and Thrice, and I had a blast. Jenna came out to help her sister move, and I got to see her then. Christena came out to go to the cabin with me. Tera wants to come out and visit. Rachel will be coming sometime this summer. Arielle at the end of July. My sister and brother will be here in July too. Man I feel appreciated, and like a complainer. None of these visits are romantic in the least bit, but I have a hard time convincing my friends that I'm not a player, or a lip slut. What a plague! As fun as it is for everyone to come see me or to go visit, it gets tiring. I have now found that when I eventually move back to Utah next summer I'll have to fly back to Denver quite a bit to visit the people I made a connection with or renewed connections with. This weekend (which seems to be all I live for... the weekends) I am going to a concert with my cousin Grant, who is just awesome. I can't wait to chill with him. I need someone to go to concerts with. I know that I have friends here, but it's hard when I worry if they are having fun the whole time. Case in point, I took Christena to a concert once, and she hated it. Plus she then began to question why I like it. I believe she said that the people looked like zombies in the audience. Now anyone that has been to a concert with me knows that I disappear into the music and atmosphere. According to a few people I tend to have a pissed off look on my face, so I know how it is to be a 'zombie'. Just a quick list of the best concerts I have ever been to:

Sigur Ros - October 2005 in Vegas with Spin. Best show I have ever been to.
Smashing Pumpkins - May 2000, Andy Danelle, and Mark went to this one.
Deftones - Sometime in 2000 - Steve and I got meet a few of the band members.
311 - 2001 - I was with Krista, and caught a drum stick.
Our Lady Peace - 1999 - An all acoustic show at DV8, which was totally wicked. Bryan came to that one.
Our Lady Peace - 2002 - DV8, with Amber and Heather. Man that was awesome.
Thrice - 2006 in Denver with Krista
30 Seconds to Mars - 2005 Lo-fi with Jenna

Anyway, I don't know why I felt like I should post this, I'm wanting to go see AFI here in Denver and Damien Rice in a few weeks here too. However I don't know anyone here that would really appreciate it. Tool will be here again in August and I want to go, but I can't stand going alone. I need to find a totally wicked emo girl that has an appreciation for what I like. Whatever this random rant is near over. Things are good, and I am having a good time. I hope to see you all soon.

So today was a long day. I had 5 appointments and a lot to do at each of them, the usual stuff though, nothing big. I got home from work and played Halo for a while, but quickly got bored. I managed to download a copy of Windows Vista Beta 2 and began transferring it to a DVD. Dave called and wanted to come over so he did. I played Halo again for a while till he came over. He wanted to install Vista on his laptop so we started. Right now we're waiting for it finish. I'll let you know how it goes. I plan to install it on a different hard drive. I'll pick one up from work tomorrow and experiment. I'm so tired and I feel like I'm rambling and not posting anything of any worth here, but I am a little distracted. I put a movie in to pass the time while Windows was installing. The movie is Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind, which is one of my favorite movies. However whenever I watch it, I evaluate my life and situations and wonder if I would do the same. The movie is about a guy that erases a girl from his memory, after she erased him. While the company erasing his memory is performing the procedure, he tries to keep some memories of her by hiding her in other places in his mind. Would I erase someone? Surprisingly I came to the conclusion that I would. When I asked this question to my friends a year or so ago my answer was different, but now I think that I would. Not necessarily relationships, I value all that I have learned from every relationship, but there are a few friendships that I have where I would erase a few memories. There are a few former friends that I would erase all together. I don't know where I'm going with this, but it is a question that I would like my readers to answer. Would you erase someone or some things from your memory? Is ignorance better? Please respond, that is if blogger ever fixes the comment section. I wrote a new song yesterday, now I'm working on the lyrics, we'll see how I do, I'm thinking I'll include something similar to the title of the movie in it. Wish me luck.

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd

Thank you Steve for telling me to listen to this album. The new AFI album is so wicked that it almost makes me sick. I wrote a review on the album and put it on my web page that I'm working on. You can see it if you like.

notemoenough.com

My favorite song on the album is Endlessly, She Said. Check it out if you have a chance.

Endlessly, She Said

Walked into our world and made
Horrible sounds.
I can still hear them today
[Bleakly they sing]
Beautiful now,
For they all passed my love.

Still each time I always meant,
Every word,
Every one.
Though in time they finally bent,
Every word,
Every one.

Every word.

"I will wait for you." She said,
Endlessly.
"I will wait for you." So spoke,
Misery.

I returned to you but found,
My empty home.
The radio told me to stay.
I sang alone.
Here will I pass, my love.

Still each time I always meant,
Every word,
Every one.
Though in time they finally bent,
Every word,
Every one.

Every word.

"I will wait for you." She said,
Endlessly.
"I will wait for you." So spoke,
Misery.

Oh.

I have been waiting for you,
Biting as you talk me through.
I have come to relieve you,
Of life and love.

I will wait for you.
I will wait for you.
I will wait for you.

I will wait.

I will wait.

"I will wait for you." She said,
Endlessly.
"I will wait for you." So spoke,
Misery.

"I will wait for you"
Wait for you,
Endlessly.

"I will wait for you."
So spoke.

So spoke,
Misery.

I will wait straight through.
As I wait for you
Dear,
Endlessly.

PS: Whoever wrote that shit about posting lyrics can lick me. I express myself way too much as it is, and these lyrics are to show you what I am listening to, not what I'm feeling. Ass!

If my company can't afford me, then maybe I'll apply here.

Click Me

I think it would be fun to do this again.

So I have been thinking a lot the last few weeks about what to do with my life and I have decided that I need to move back to Utah. Tonight only confirmed it. I just signed a lease for an apartment and it will be until May next year. Just the perfect amount of time to get things in order and search for what I'm looking for. I came to the conclusion that I would move back and go to school full time, plus I will be able to see the people I love. But that's not the only thing... I have taken a step outside my bubble and looked at it from another light. Yes Utah is still Utah, but man I forgot how beautiful it is. Especially on warm summer nights like tonight. I could feel the air, and felt comfortable. In Colorado the air is the same, but the feeling isn't right. I got to see quite a few people that I haven't seen in a while, and it only made my connection more powerful. I miss the humid summer nights where I would roll the windows down and listen to music talking with a friend, I miss the feeling of having a crush on someone, or sharing something completely spiritual in a moment of silence with someone. The electricity of youth is in the air here, and I need to be a part of it. I have 365 days of vacation left. My lease is over one year from today, well, yesterday. I will have a lot of experience to go off of, and I will be ready for what ever God has in store for me. Some things just gel, and fit you. The youthful energy that is all over this place is for me. I want to be a part of it, and I want to affect it. As much as I like the big city of Denver it will just be a vacation place for me for the rest of my life. Maybe when I'm a rock star I'll buy a second home there, but I would rather have my home here. If I'm going to be independent, alone, or self sufficient then the UC is the place. I donno, maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and this feeling will be gone. I remember having cursed the hot summer days years ago, and how bland it all looks in the light of day, but at night this place becomes something else. That is why I always preferred sharing time with friends at night, and never much liked the daytime. Perhaps I see too much of it now that drive for work, and I'm not chained to a desk by a phone cable. I don't think I can explain to you what I feel and have any of you understand. But then again you really don't care, and will probably call me crazy or emotionally delusional. All I know is that for this moment I'm home.