Kr5istofer's Thoughts

It's almost May, and it's not supposed to snow. I woke up this morning and had snow on my windshield... again. It was dreary enough at lunch today that I went to Starbucks and bout a Carmel Apple Cider, and ate bagels. I think that is the most metro I have ever been. I even setup my tablet on the Wi-Fi and sipped my "coffee" like a trendy emo kid. All I needed was a multi colored scarf , a retro sweater and thick rimmed glasses. I have the scruff on my face down, and the Gap jeans. My cousin Chris asked me if I was gay because I carry a bag with me that has everything I need everywhere I go. I'm comfortable with my "murse" as my brother called it (Sort of a bastardization of Man-Purse), and nobody can tell me it's stupid. I do however need to get my eyes checked. I'm sure I'll need glasses, maybe then can I finally fit the persona of a trendy coffee drinking metrosexual, with thick rimmed glasses.

This post is mostly to show you where I work and what I work on all day. I really like my job, but I miss working with all the cool people at Dentrix. I don't miss the bullshit the company kept dealing to me though.

So I haven't played Halo 2 online since the beginning of March. Normally I don't have an issue going without halo, but while I was at work yesterday my co-worker Ian was playing online on his plasma screen 60 inch TV. I about died. I need to find a TV and an Internet connection... oh, and 50 buck to pay for another years subscription. I'm gonna snap!!

On Friday I had an appointment in Colorado Springs, one of my favorite offices to go to, Dr. Bennett. I picked up Jenna at the airport and then went down to the office. It was supposed to be a format of the server. I got down there and ran the backups, but something was keeping me uneasy about formatting. They have a dental perio software that they use besides Dentrix which I'm familiar with. I couldn't verify that the software had been backed up properly, so the office manager and I agreed to wait. We did. On Monday I went back down to work on the issue again. The original issue was that the server occasionally gave the BSOD, and Dell won't exchange the new server until the OS had been reinstalled. So I finally got a backup of everything and tried to reinstall Windows. The usual stuff happened but the Windows installation wouldn't recognize the Mirror RAID. I had the drivers on a CD, but windows wasn't looking for a CD, it wanted a Floppy!! Well most computers don't have floppy drives anymore, just like the one I am working on. So off to Comp USA to buy a Floppy drive and some disks, then back to the office. I installed the floppy drive, and then created a driver disk for the RAID. The install was going beautiful, until... BSOD! It happened again. I thought it might have been because I did a quick format instead off a full format. So I did a full format, which took all of 3 seconds, which is way too short, and you guessed it BSOD. Before I had even began the Driver problem I thought that the RAID controller was the problem, and it was. I bypassed the RAID and ran a full format. This one took a while like it should, and Windows installed beautifully. I hate it when I'm right and still have to prove it to myself.

I'm just going to write an update. I'm feeling good, but sedated. I keep thinking I am just working summer job and eventually I will be moving back to Utah, but that's not the truth is it? Well maybe it is, what If I just save as much money as I can then move back to Utah and go to school full time. I really need to do that, school. I don't think I could amount to much without that. I want to be able to provide, and I'm getting a very good picture painted for me about how much it costs to live and provide and own things. I want to buy a car, but that will cost me about 400 dollars a month. I want to have my own place and that will cost about 800 with the utilities and everything. Not to mention maintenance on my car, and keeping money for emergencies. Holy crap it's hard. I have debt right now that I need to pay off, so maybe it's a good thing that I couldn't get tickets for Tool today. I have a lot of things I am trying to improve about myself, I'm trying to figure out what women look for in a guy when they are deciding weather or not I could be a good husband. Jenna talked about communicating yesterday, I think I do that pretty well with a lot of people, except when I get emotional or upset. Then I begin to be irrational and start to whine, or not know how to communicate. Classic example is when I was in Utah two weeks ago, I can't seem to collect my thoughts about a few things right now. So in knowing that I communicate better when things are more stable, what sort of stability do I need, or what am I looking for. What sort of happiness can I get from life, and how should I view things, or approach the situations that may affect my life in order to find my happiness. Truth is I am depressed, and I haven't wanted to admit it. I know all you knew that and it is all over this blog, and all over my face. I haven't ever felt so out of body before, and I don't like it. I don't know what will help me, or what will soothe my heart, but I do know that if I got what I want I won't be happy. I'll just be sort of held off, patched up, but not fixed. I'm really trying to identify what it is though, just pray for me or something.

Now I haven't read the story, but the thought just made me laugh.

I keep trying to incorporate images into my blog, it will make it more interesting in my opinion. If you would like to send me a pic to have me post it, just do it.

spaceboyx96@gmail.com

Here we go!

Would any of you mind if I put a link to your blogs on mine? I had someone ask me at one time to remove their links, but I don't think it would be a problem now. If you don't want me to put it up there tell me, otherwise it will be there tomorrow.

Have you ever looked at someone and thought, "wow I feel sorry for that guy", or "I'll never be like that guy"? Well if you have then I'm going to ask you to stop, cause I'm that guy now. It has been my biggest fear to become the person who goes to movies alone, and eats at restaurants alone. Someone you look at and know that they are unhappy and that they will continue to be alone for quite sometime. I went to see a movie last night, all by myself, I was bored, and I felt stared at by everyone there. I imagined them all thinking "Look at the fat kid all by himself!" I try to look like I have friends or something, but it probably looks like I got stood up, or I'm a loser. I know I have friends, just not here. I need to go see a therapist or something, I'm having weird thoughts, like I have never had before. I can't afford it for 2 more months though, I won't have insurance till June or July. I should have researched this decision better, not that I think I wouldn't have made the same choice, but I think my expectations would have been different and I wouldn't feel so disappointed right now. I still feel like I walked away from something good, and I wont make you all hear it again, but I'm constantly missing out on things that always mattered to me back home. Funny how I remember when I first moved from Colorado to Utah I wouldn't call Utah home. I hated it there, my friends here seemed so much better than the new ones I made in Utah. I was wrong about that, but I knew I was wrong when I felt like that. So I try and think about what I know now. My friends in Colorado all turned out to be losers, or not real friends at all. The people I miss in Utah are real, and I don't want to trade them in for new ones, but I don't have a choice. I will always be friends with them, but on a level that is so different from what it should be. Rich and I have always said that we wanted to live in the same neighborhood and have our kids play together, Mike Pound was added to that list a while ago, when he said he would come back from California with his family so we can all be close. Then I left, and went the other direction, off where I always said I wanted to go back to, but as the years went by I felt that desire less and less. I am glad however to have a job change, Dentrix was killing me, and I was being limited which I needed an escape from. The job I have now is great and exactly what I need, but at what cost? The cost of the small amount of happiness I had, the cost of all my loved ones... the cost of my life? Believe me I am trying to be positive, but this is all you read or have to know how I am doing. If I had cool things to post about I would, but I don't. So right now it's just my emotions and thoughts, and you are all subject to the thrill ride that is my emotional life. Believe me I have wanted to get off for a long time.

Okay so, maybe I was just really depressed the last time I posted. I didn't mean for all of you to be offended or think that I was scolding you, I just don't have the ability to fight for what I want right now. I'm broken, and everyone can see it on my face, or they read my blog. All I have is my temp family right now, and I have always hated hanging out with family. Not that I don't love my family, but my friends were always the people I would die for first. I want to be with all of my friends. Some of them are planning on moving here eventually, I don't know if it will really happen, but we'll see. By that time though I wonder if they will remember me, or actually have time to be friends with a crying emo kid that judges his worth by his social accomplishments. Is that wrong or is it a sin to want to be loved by people. I don't get satisfaction from having friends either, I get the satisfaction when I can change the people I meet or have them think I'm cool enough to take on a few things that I like. I do that with everyone I meet at least I think I do. All of who I am is a series of stolen characteristics of one friend or another. I don't know what part of me is real. I hide my feeling to make it easier for my friends to feel comfortable, and when I do finally say what I want it usually back fires on me. I just want it to be easy, and I know it never will for me. Rich and Bryan my best friends since 6th grade have always had everything given to them or it fell in their laps. I had to work to have a girlfriend, or go the extra mile to have someone notice me. Why??? Am I that ugly or uninteresting? I have 10 times the talent and knowledge than both of them together yet I'm still the one that always has to work for it. I don't want to make friends in the ward here because that is church. I don't like having friends where the only thing in common is your religion. I'm an emotional 24 year old, music obsessed, transient. I have no place to call home, and nobody to cry with. Nobody to show new songs to, and nobody that won't think I'm strange when I start flailing my fingers around during my favorite parts of some songs. Nobody to drive around with and sing songs with. Nobody to call to come over for a Halo party, and nobody at work to have a 'took it too far contest' with. I miss you all, and I want you to know that. From right here this decision looks like the biggest mistake of my life, but I'm not giving up! I'm going to be stubborn and make it a good decision. I'm just going to have to work for it.

I'm 99% done with this blog. I don't know why I keep trying to live in Utah and work in Colorado, and I refuse to do it anymore. I know you read it and you care, but what for? As much as I hate it I will probably never see most of you again. The rest of you will just fade away, which was clearly and decisively said to me this weekend. If I knew I was going to loose everyone this way I would never had made this move. I always said that I would move here after I got married and I'm sure I should have, but I jumped the gun like I always do. Now I'm left with the knowledge that my decisions again have led me to my demise. I shouldn't have to start over again, I have earned all my friends for 12 years, and now none of them are with me. I said it this weekend and I'll repeat it here, I can't fake it anymore, there are things I want and need. I can't go on without these things, so if my hopes and dreams will never be a reality then I will stop trying to wait for them or make them one. I will tell you my plan before I finish though. I am going to church actively, and hopefully soon I will be done with my probation that I was put on 4 years ago. I hope to get the priesthood soon and maybe one day finally convince someone I'm worth it.

It's going to be another hard day... I don't want to go home yet. I know my friends work tomorrow, but I don't want to leave anyway. I don't have anyone of real worth in Colorado yet, and there is something wrong here and I can't put my finger on it. Something isn't the same. I'm having lunch with Christena today but I don't want to. I'm obligated to, I really just want to hang out with Jenna all day and all night then fly home tomorrow, but that can't happen. Next time I come out which will be for her birthday I'll take more time. It has been an awesome weekend though. Applebea's finally the other night, The Melting Pot last night, and I got to see the people I love. I don't know what else to say right now, so I'll stop before I make up some stuff that I don't really feel.

So my flight is tomorrow and I'm nervous. I have always had a fear of heights, and flying. I like flying though. I went to Virginia 4 years ago and it was awesome. I had a blast but I was nervous. I requested the window seat too because I feel like I am in control when I can see where I am. If anyone has any advice to handle this phobia that I have, of if you want to make fun of me just comment on the blog, cause I judge my worth in life based on the number of comments I get. ;-)

So I am flying back to Utah on Friday. I'm not sure really what awaits me there, except I get to hang out with Jenna. I'm sorry friend for what I am going to say, I hope I don't embarrass you. I miss her more and more every day. I thought that would sort of fade when I moved to Colorado, not the friendship, but the feelings, and the regrets, and the need to have my best friend around. While she really has been the best friend I ever had, it hasn't been easy pretending to be okay with our status. There is so much that has been said, and beat to death as far as that goes, but it still follows me around, laughing at all my hopes and dreams to be with anyone, not just her. God wont let me sit still about this, at least that is the impression I get, I can't be too sure if I am getting an answer or if my own mind is interfering with answers to my prayers. I have had God tell me one thing and another person something completely different, who is right? Am I so unrighteous that I'm leading myself away from my answers, or am I getting them clear as a bell. Either way I'm stuck holding my heart because nobody wants to keep it, and I keep giving it to the wrong person. I know it will turn around eventually, and I'm not complaining because that would be stupid. I live in Colorado now, and every emotional investment I have with Jenna or anyone else is 600 miles away. Which is an impassable wall when it comes to that sort of thing, and why am I always wishing or hoping?